critique Need critique on my short script

[Inarius]

This is a revised script of a previous version. I need critique, mostly regarding characters, dialogue, and suggestions regarding the story.

It's about a soldier delivering a coffin with a fallen army officer, who finds out that instead of a dead body, the coffin contains a suitcase with Heroin, a loaded gun, and a note which says ''Get rid of the courier''

Courier Draft 4

 

[FantasySciFi]

Overall, I enjoyed it but it has some plot, character and dialogue issues.

PLOT: It didn't make sense why Alon would stop the van. 1. If he's not a part, why choose today to stop a routine military van? Why bring the note in after the fact, when he saw it? 2. If he worked for the dealer Barukh, again why stop the van and compromise the delivery? 3. If he worked for Sami, why not simply kill Shahar and take the heroin himself?

Next, Barukh didn't kill his mom immediately when he sold the heroin? Why not just trigger the bomb? He also killed Alon because he wanted no witnesses, so Shahar expects his mom to live? Why was Sami expecting Shahar?

Finally, the ending with Ilana felt contrived. He expects to kill Avi. He doesn't really have time to swap out the note "Bon apetit". It would have felt more authentic if Ilana had grabbed the case with the bomb which Barukh then detonates.

The scenes felt more staged than organic. "This happens, then this happens" rather than "This happens and Shahar must decide whether to do X or Y. He chooses X and as a result must now deal with ...." The story idea is good but feels very patterned and predictable.

CHARACTERS: They were all very stereotypical and flat. I didn't really have an interest in Shahar who felt very emotionless and simply moving through actions like a puppet. Ilana, Barukh, Sami and Avi were all pretty flat. The dialogue was a bit chatty, so it made the scenes drag. I don't think the long exchange on p.2 between Shahar and Yael is needed. It doesn't enhance is character much. I understand English is not your first language. There are some errors in expressions that need to be fixed. But these characters are not very believable or ones that are interesting.

Especially after the reveal that Alon works for Barukh, the story up to that point suddenly makes no sense. The part about Alon's daughter needing a heart operation was too much and unneeded. If that were the case, Alon could have shot Shahar in the beginning, took the heroin and sold it to Sami and staged it to look like Shahar's van was blown up in a rebel attack so he could work both sides. The plot elements seem to force the characters to act in ways that are not what they would normally do. Shahar is a 17 y.o. reservist, not a field experienced, 32 y.o. special ops agent.

DIALOGUE: As noted before, it has issues of being too chatty. It tends to be on the nose. I didn't really believe the interrogation. It was even unclear why this was happening. I'm not sure the flashback was helpful or necessary. The dialogue did nothing to really distinguish the characters. They all felt rather stereotypical, hitting common notes you'd expect.

My recommendation would be to rework the plot's beginning. Why is Alon stopping this van? What is motivating Alon to help Shahar? Give the characters more depth. Decide on what you want Shahar to be like and stay true. The parts with Yael don't feel real but simply tossed in to make the story work. That's bad. Make it more relevant.

Why was Shahar chosen? How do they know where he lives so they can get to his mother? Why save him rather than pin it on him? Why would Alon let the heroin get picked up by the police? If half the police are on Barukh's payroll, why is this a problem? When a story has this many open questions, there are serious plot issues that need to be addressed. Good luck.

 

[Inarius]

Thank you for the notes.

Alon had always worked for the police, and only for them, until he stopped the van. Only then he was contacted by Barukh and offered a large sum of money. I should have mentioned it in the script. Shahar's van is civilian, not military, which I forgot to mention as well. The army doesn't give military vehicles to soldiers for weekends

Sami isn't a character Just a name mentioned by Barukh. Well, I'll remove that name to not to confuse the reader next time.

I think you just gave me an idea. I'll rewrite the script, having Ilana working for Barukh, and Alon being the "untouchable" cop that dies at the hand of Barukh. This will save me a few locations and 1-2 actors.

Can you help me with the expressions in \shahar's and Yael's dialogue, or give me an example how would you write that dialogue? Thank you once again.

 

[FantasySciFi]

Thank you for the notes.

Alon had always worked for the police, and only for them, until he stopped the van. Only then he was contacted by Barukh and offered a large sum of money. I should have mentioned it in the script. Shahar's van is civilian, not military, which I forgot to mention as well. The army doesn't give military vehicles to soldiers for weekends

I appreciate that but that never comes out in the script. One thing that's important as a writer is being careful that the information is there so the viewer/reader isn't left in the dark. Perhaps the military doesn't, but do soldiers drive dead bodies from a war zone with their military ID on their own time in their own vehicles? Does that really make sense? Put another way, would you drive a corpse in your car from a war zone using your military tags on your weekend?

Why would Alon stop a van? Barukh just coincidentally puts him on the payroll that very day? On the eve of his daughter's heart surgery? You're asking the audience accept a lot of coincidence. Do you really believe that happens? How does Barukh know the van is stopped? If he has all these people on the payroll, why not simply arrange for Shahar to die at the station? Why release him? And if released, why have him involved with the delivery? It would be better to kill him since he knows the address. Choices ripple outward, both forward and backward in a script.

For me, that is the acid test of screenwriting. Could this really happen? Is it believable? Situations can slowly spin out of control, but they need to start off normally. Maybe Shahar isn't a reservist, just works as a driver for the mortuary or morgue. Something needs to happen to cause Alon to stop him in the first place. If Shahar does this routinely, why now?

Sami isn't a character Just a name mentioned by Barukh. Well, I'll remove that name to not to confuse the reader next time. Whoever the opposition mafia leader is he needs to meet.

I think you just gave me an idea. I'll rewrite the script, having Ilana working for Barukh, and Alon being the "untouchable" cop that dies at the hand of Barukh. This will save me a few locations and 1-2 actors.

Can you help me with the expressions in \shahar's and Yael's dialogue, or give me an example how would you write that dialogue? Thank you once again.

I would have kept it very simple. It doesn't make sense to me that he's on active duty and going home to eat dinner at his mom's. If he's not military, it would be more reasonable.

INT. VAN - DAY

Shahar drives along when his phone rings.  He answers and holds
it to his ear.

                            SHAHAR
                     (on phone)
              Look, mom, I can't talk now.  I'm
              dropping off a body. ... No, I don't
              know when I'll be home.  It's six
              now.  Maybe seven or seven thirty.
                     (sighs)
              Why's it always need to be a girl,
              ma?  After I drop off this stiff, I'll
              be home.  I promise.

He hangs up, shakes his head and drives along.  He sees a
blockade up ahead.

                             SHAHAR
                      (to himself)
               Damn!  Another sweep for terrorists.

He parks and waits.  His hands sort through the papers on
the passenger seat for the transport manifest.  His eyes 
close and he heaves a deep sigh as thoughts flicker back.

EXT. MORTUARY - DAY (FLASHBACK)

His boss, SHIMON (50s), walks about waving his hands.

                              SHIMON
                Where the hell is Avi?  I need this
                corpse delivered for observance.  He
                was supposed to be back.

Shahar prepares to leave and turns.

                              SHAHAR
                 I was heading out but -

                              SHIMON
                 Take the van.  In fact, keep it and
                 just bring it back tomorrow.
               
In relief, Shimon tosses him the keys.  They slide the casket 
into the back of the van.  Shahar smiles and 

runs around to the driver side.  He pulls out.

Shimon shakes his head with a smile, turns and notices the
papers on the counter.  He grabs them but the van is gone.

EXT. VAN - DAY

The van pulls up at the checkpoint.  ALON approaches him and
Shahar lowers his his window.

                             ALON
             Manifest?

                             SHAHAR
             I'm with Yerev and Sons Mortuary.  I'm
             transporting a corpse.  I left the papers
             back at the mortuary.

                             ALON
             I'll need to see your ID and look in the
             van.  It's routine.

Shahar nods.  As he retrieves items, another officer joins Alon
and opens the back.  

There's some commotion and Alon reappears with his gun now
trained on Shahar.

                               ALON
             You need to get out of the car and keep
             your hands where I can see them.

Shahar's face is a mix of disbelief and frustration.  He slowly
opens the door and scoots out with his hands raised.

                              SHAHAR
                      (rather dismissive)
              It's jus-

Alon slams him to face the side of the van and cuffs him.

                               ALON
              Running drugs and arms for the black
              market?  

                               SHAHAR
              Are you out of your mind?

                               ALON
                      (to the officer)
             Take him to the station for questioning.

The officer grabs Shahar and leads him away with Shahar
screaming after him.

Alon goes behind the van and looks at the open coffin filled with
bags of heroin and guns.  As he picks up a gun a note falls down

It reads:  "Kill the courier".

A worried look forms and Alon comes back around to see the
police car pull off with Shahar.

There's no reason we even need to hear Yael at this juncture. Keep it simple. Always put yourself in the head of your characters--"Why would I do this?" This simple expedient explains the lack of papers, the reason for the stop and move along the story. Now it makes more sense why Alon may come in with the note.

Your idea isn't bad it just needs to be developed so the events develop from actions in a natural rather than forced way. Now you can move into the Interrogation room. Hope the helps.

 

[Inarius]

I like the idea having him forgot the papers. But I prefer to explain it without doing the flashback, if possible. I intend to film this, so I don't want to add an extra location (Morgue) and an actor (Shimon).

If I make Shahar a mortuary driver, I can make him older. There is no reason for a 20 year old guy to work in such a job. And if so, I can change his Mom (Yael) to be his wife. Indeed, it's much more simple. Thanks a lot!

I think I have an idea how to make the protagonist be less puppy and take more actions. I'll rewrite it and upload within a few day.

 

[Adversary2015]

I know I'm an amateur, but I'm going to read over your script and give it a critique.

 

[Inarius]

I know I'm an amateur, but I'm going to read over your script and give it a critique.

You welcome

 

[Inarius]

Hey everybody

I've rewritten the script. I wrote a different story, developed the characters. I only kept the idea of the coffin filled with heroin, a gun and the note which says "Kill the Courier".

Here is the premise:
Delivering a coffin, a mortuary driver with a criminal past, finds out that instead of a corpse, the coffin contains a suitcase with heroin, a loaded gun and a note which says "Kill the courier". When he finds out that the client who had to kill him is his brother, he learns that the heroin needs to be sold to get money for an urgent surgery for his nephew with a deadly desease. Will the driver help the police to arrest his brother, or return to his criminal past to save his nephew?

Critique and suggestions are welcomed.

Courier Draft 5

 

[Inarius]

I need to shorten the story to 10 pages. Any suggestions of how it can be done with the current script (if possible)? What do you think is necessary in the story, and what can be thrown out? Critique please

 

[FantasySciFi]

On p. 8, if her hands are cuffed around the cupboard, how does she pull a keychain from her back pocket?

Overall, I really like it. It is much improved. I do question making Barukh his brother. It seems he would know his brother's wife. Maybe a former military mate or jail mate.

A few rough edges, but it should make a good short.

 

[Inarius]

On p. 8, if her hands are cuffed around the cupboard, how does she pull a keychain from her back pocket?

Overall, I really like it. It is much improved. I do question making Barukh his brother. It seems he would know his brother's wife. Maybe a former military mate or jail mate.

A few rough edges, but it should make a good short.

Thank you for the review

I don't know how to say around what her hands are cuffed, in any language What I meant is one of the 4 pieces of wood (legs?) which the cupboard stands on.

About Barukh, yeah, a good point, although the brothers haven't met for 9 years.

What do you mean by rough edges?

 

[FantasySciFi]

Thank you for the review

You're welcome.

I don't know how to say around what her hands are cuffed, in any language What I meant is one of the 4 pieces of wood (legs?) which the cupboard stands on.

Visually, I can't picture this. There is a 'pole' separating her joined hands from her back. Given the short link on most handcuffs, I can't see her managing to twist about enough to reach into her back pocket. This is a situation that sounds good on paper but I don't think would work in reality. Seated, she would be low to the ground so she should be easily able to pick the keys back up if they fell. Also this has to be a massive cupboard or she's going to pull it down on herself. If you have a pair of kid's handcuffs and a cupboard, try it. Just don't rattle the cupboard. We don't need to lose a screenwriter doing research. [NB: kid's handcuffs don't require a key to release them. ]

I think it might work better to have Barukh take the keys from her. After she's handcuffed to the foot of the cupboard, slap it on the tabletop in front of her. After they leave, she manages to bump them to the floor and try to slide the towards her. At the last moment it gets bumped out of reach.

About Barukh, yeah, a good point, although the brothers haven't met for 9 years.

Still, families talk. It's hard to imagine no one would mention her, a nephew or a divorce. Especially if it was a kidnapping. It's possible, it just felt a little difficult to believe given the twists and turns.

What do you mean by rough edges?

The characters still don't act naturally. They feel rather forced in their actions. Why would a Ilana throw away the picture of her and her son? Why would a "sexy 35 y.o." fall for a "40 y.o. with a belly" whom she fully believes is a criminal? Does it make sense to drive back in a van knowing it has a bomb that could go off? Barukh is going to hold his own son at gunpoint? Ilana's scene with Sami and Shahar at the school feels off given their relationships. Barukh is at home and doesn't notice that Ilana is gone (she ends up at the school)? These inconsistencies just make the story feel unbelievable. Little things that build one upon another.

Perhaps you should introduce a different cop at the school. Maybe the first one who stopped him to re-use an actor. While he handcuffs Sami, Shahar knocks him out. Have Shahar take Sami and the two suitcases to the van. By making Shahar shift from passive to a more assertive role, he becomes a more interesting character. If you want to keep Ilana in that dominant role, you need to work out better how she interacts with her lover/boyfriend Sami. Since this is a short, I'd take the easier way and stick with Shahar. It's perhaps sexist and expected but expedient.

Have Shahar confront his brother and learn about Avi at that point. Then the freed Ilana appears packing and ready. Barukh grabs Avi who bites him after getting Ilana to lower her gun. Then when Avi makes his escape, Barukh goes to shoot Ilana when Shahar acts heroic and takes the bullet. Barukh slips out the door. The cop arrives and finds Ilana tending to Shahar. She directs the cop after the van. You can do a cut away to the detonation scene.

Personally, I'd put Sami in the coffin with the tape gag. What draws Barukh attention while racing off is the tapping in the coffin. When he reaches back to open it, he finds a panicked Sami and sees the bomb. Maybe a note, "Kill the courier" taped inside as a nice final touch. Before the cop leaves the house, we hear the explosion.

The story is good but has rough points that stretch believability. I think with a little work you can polish it up.

 

[Inarius]

You're welcome.

Visually, I can't picture this. There is a 'pole' separating her joined hands from her back. Given the short link on most handcuffs, I can't see her managing to twist about enough to reach into her back pocket. This is a situation that sounds good on paper but I don't think would work in reality. Seated, she would be low to the ground so she should be easily able to pick the keys back up if they fell. Also this has to be a massive cupboard or she's going to pull it down on herself. If you have a pair of kid's handcuffs and a cupboard, try it. Just don't rattle the cupboard. We don't need to lose a screenwriter doing research. [NB: kid's handcuffs don't require a key to release them. ]

She's cuffed with her hands behind her back. So her hands must be very close to her back pocket. She is seated, so her hands are even closer. So she pulls it out, unbends it into a pin, and tries to open the lock with it. I have a friend who works as a cop, and he told me once they were trained how to open locks. I'm not sure he also meant handcuffs, but I can ask him

The characters still don't act naturally. They feel rather forced in their actions. Why would a Ilana throw away the picture of her and her son? Why would a "sexy 35 y.o." fall for a "40 y.o. with a belly" whom she fully believes is a criminal? Does it make sense to drive back in a van knowing it has a bomb that could go off? Barukh is going to hold his own son at gunpoint? Ilana's scene with Sami and Shahar at the school feels off given their relationships. Barukh is at home and doesn't notice that Ilana is gone (she ends up at the school)? These inconsistencies just make the story feel unbelievable. Little things that build one upon another.

Perhaps you should introduce a different cop at the school. Maybe the first one who stopped him to re-use an actor. While he handcuffs Sami, Shahar knocks him out. Have Shahar take Sami and the two suitcases to the van. By making Shahar shift from passive to a more assertive role, he becomes a more interesting character. If you want to keep Ilana in that dominant role, you need to work out better how she interacts with her lover/boyfriend Sami. Since this is a short, I'd take the easier way and stick with Shahar. It's perhaps sexist and expected but expedient.

Have Shahar confront his brother and learn about Avi at that point. Then the freed Ilana appears packing and ready. Barukh grabs Avi who bites him after getting Ilana to lower her gun. Then when Avi makes his escape, Barukh goes to shoot Ilana when Shahar acts heroic and takes the bullet. Barukh slips out the door. The cop arrives and finds Ilana tending to Shahar. She directs the cop after the van. You can do a cut away to the detonation scene.

Personally, I'd put Sami in the coffin with the tape gag. What draws Barukh attention while racing off is the tapping in the coffin. When he reaches back to open it, he finds a panicked Sami and sees the bomb. Maybe a note, "Kill the courier" taped inside as a nice final touch. Before the cop leaves the house, we hear the explosion.

The story is good but has rough points that stretch believability. I think with a little work you can polish it up.

Yes I will polish the script and probably drop a few things. My filming school tells everything at the last moment, and 2 days ago I was told that the running time is limited to 10 min, if I want the school to help me with connecting me to acting schools, editors, camera operators and soundmen. I need that help, so I have to shorten my script by 1/3 of it. Well, 11 mins might be ok, but no more.

 

[FantasySciFi]

She's cuffed with her hands behind her back. So her hands must be very close to her back pocket. She is seated, so her hands are even closer. So she pulls it out, unbends it into a pin, and tries to open the lock with it. I have a friend who works as a cop, and he told me once they were trained how to open locks. I'm not sure he also meant handcuffs, but I can ask him

Again, I understand the principle. What I'm saying is that won't happen in practice. If you go to do this on set, I don't feel it will be physically possible for your actress to contort. That pole/cupboard edge against her back and her body weight on her back pockets will limit the range of motion. I strongly suggest you actually try this at home. While it sounds good on paper, you may have difficulty making this work.

Having played a spy character who gets bound and needs to escape, I can tell you that it's not as easy as it looks. Use the child handcuffs that you can buy in the store and try it. Put a key or paperclip in your back pocket, sit on the floor, and handcuff yourself at the base of a table with a thick leg. Most people do not keep paperclips in their back pocket.

I worked with a guy who sent me a script. It required his sexy actress with a briefcase chained to her wrist to jump through a car window in a Dukes of Hazzard style. She had to have this case chained to her wrist through the first three episodes--climbing, running, jumping, etc. Cool concept, but not going to happen in reality. First, anything dangling will throw you off when doing stunts. Second, this is going to seriously cut into her wrist after several hours of filming. Because of other details, my suggestion was to change it into a bracelet instead since he wanted to film this himself on no/lo budget.

Yes, you can be pie-in-the-sky when writing spec. When you are writing to shoot, you need to think very practically. Picking a lock is not the issue. The physical portrayal on screen is what makes this scene less likely to work. I think you'll have difficulty even if you try to 'cheat it'. Having her kick a table leg to jostle keys to the ground would be easier. Just my suggestion.

Yes I will polish the script and probably drop a few things. My filming school tells everything at the last moment, and 2 days ago I was told that the running time is limited to 10 min, if I want the school to help me with connecting me to acting schools, editors, camera operators and soundmen. I need that help, so I have to shorten my script by 1/3 of it. Well, 11 mins might be ok, but no more.

While the 1 page = 1 minute is statistically true for feature scripts, it's not so true for shorter scripts. Once you get past 20 pages, the 1p=1m rule tends to become more accurate. In general, 12-14 pages will often shorten to 10-11 minutes of screen time. Before you cut anything, I'd have a group of friends to a timed script read. This isn't strictly a script issue in itself. Direction, cinematography and editing play important roles. It's better to shoot the scenes and then edit for time. A good editor can help you with that. At the moment, a 15 page script is in a good range for a 10 minute short.

 

[Inarius]

Having her kick a table leg to jostle keys to the ground would be easier. Just my suggestion.

I understand, but isn't it strange to leave the keys on the table, so close to Ilana? And why put the keys somewhere Ilana can see them?

While the 1 page = 1 minute is statistically true for feature scripts, it's not so true for shorter scripts. Once you get past 20 pages, the 1p=1m rule tends to become more accurate. In general, 12-14 pages will often shorten to 10-11 minutes of screen time. Before you cut anything, I'd have a group of friends to a timed script read. This isn't strictly a script issue in itself. Direction, cinematography and editing play important roles. It's better to shoot the scenes and then edit for time. A good editor can help you with that. At the moment, a 15 page script is in a good range for a 10 minute short.

Do you think this script can fit into 10-11 minutes short?
My filming school say "10-11 pages script". I need a good argument to convince them, that my 15 pages can fit 10 min.

 

[FantasySciFi]

I understand, but isn't it strange to leave the keys on the table, so close to Ilana? And why put the keys somewhere Ilana can see them?

It's a taunt. She's only a woman. He's dismissive. In the end, he's right and she fails. It's Avi who comes to the rescue.

Do you think this script can fit into 10-11 minutes short?
My filming school say "10-11 pages script". I need a good argument to convince them, that my 15 pages can fit 10 min.

You can always edit out elements in telling the visual story. You need to discuss with the instructor which is the principle constraint--page length or film length. Your best argument would be to do a couple timed readings with your friends. If the clocked time is under ten minutes, that will give a good measure of the film length.

If you want to reduce your page count take out the scene with Ilana at the house. Maybe remove Avi from the script. Have Barukh sent Shahar off. Ilana can be following the van. Ilana can be at the scene with Sami and be knocked out. Shahar can still go back to with Sami to confront his brother. Now it's just Shahar tussling with Barukh. Shahar is shot and Barukh escapes. Ilana arrives to find Shahar. He explains what happened and gives her the suitcase with the drugs and money. They hear the explosion.

That should bring it down to 12-13 pages which should be within the 10-11 minute window. But honestly, editing for time is more a post issue. The script length is only a rough estimate. A 10 page script will usually run about 7-8 minutes. Being a class, though, you need to go with what the instructor wants.

 

[Inarius]

I'll try to write another draft, but not cancel the current version.

I'll replace Barukh with Shahar's ex-wife, a criminal. I'll remove the bomb. I keep idea with selling drugs to save Avi, the boy who Shahar thought to be his wife's son from another man, but turns out to be Ilana's son, who ran away from Ilana because she mistreated him really bad. Shahar learns that Avi isn't sick, and that his ex-wife wanted the money to escape the country with Avi, not for the surgery as she claimed.

So towards the end Shahar will have to make a choice - whether to let Ilana get back Avi, arrest Shahar's ex-wife and be a free man, but neglect Avi's wishes, or let his ex-wife escape the country with Avi, which is what Avi wants, but it can result Shahar in getting arrested. And I'll make Shahar a selfish person, to increase the drama effect when he makes an altruistic choice - gets arrested but lets his ex-wife escape.

 

[FantasySciFi]

It sounds like a plan. There is no right solution. It is your story. The critical questions I always ask myself when deciding what to cut are: What story elements are mostly standalone and can be cut without impacting other scenes? and Can locations and/or characters be combined or removed? Practically, the fewer locations, actors and scenes, the shorter the script. My goal is often to re-purpose an existing structure rather than re-work an entire story.

Your scripts have shown improvement so I look forward to seeing what you come up with. Good luck.

 

[Inarius]

Thanks. I'll upload it when it's ready.

 

[Inarius]

Hey, I've rewritten the script

The new premise is:
A divorced mortuary driver framed and arrested for delivering drugs in a coffin, finds out his son is mortally ill. He confronts a choice, whether to earn freedom by letting his ex-wife, who framed him, get arrested, or go on a drug deal to earn money for a surgery to save his son.

Courier - Draft 7