story Need Advice/Opinions On My Story Concept

[Joshua Strong]

Hi everyone,

I am in the midst of putting a story together based on a concept that I have always had. The story is called INTERNAL AFFAIRS and without giving too much away it is about an inmate who operates as a mole for the police. I want it to be a tense thriller told on a big scale, yet I still want to give it a intimate center as the story is about a man who is given the opportunity to start over in life. Mood wise the story is very dark and I want to have political undertones if it fits the story.

How should I go about writing the scenes that take place in the prison and what could I do to add an epic sense of scale to the story? And what are your thoughts on the story? How could I improve it?

(This is also my first post, so...)

 

[Lucky Hardwood]

Epic doesn't fit your story. You said it's an intimate story, keep it that way. Write the scenes in the prison like you would any other. The idea shows promise, but I can't give you much advice as to how to improve the story without knowing the whole story. I could just throw random ideas at you, but that's not going to do you any favors. Good luck.

 

[Joshua Strong]

Epic doesn't fit your story. You said it's an intimate story, keep it that way. Write the scenes in the prison like you would any other. The idea shows promise, but I can't give you much advice as to how to improve the story without knowing the whole story. I could just throw random ideas at you, but that's not going to do you any favors. Good luck.

"The story is set in LA, the city is torn apart by economic hardship and the streets are rules by ruthless crime lords and corrupt politicians. LAPD comes under the control of a new, young Chief of Police and he devises a special task force to combat corruption. During their investigation, they discover that a drug ring is being ran out of a maximum security prison, where experimental drugs are being tested on the inmates after they are tipped off by an anonymous source. So the Chief of Police hires this inmate to investigate the prison and to act as mole, as he gives them whatever information that he comes across. As he goes deeper into his investigation, he discovers a hit list with his name on it. Knowing that everyone is looking at him as a target after his cover is blown, the inmate realizes that he is truly on his own on the inside. With time running low the inmate has to fight for his survival as he tries to find the truth behind the drug ring and pursue the life he wish he had."


What more advice would you offer now? What should I change, what should I avoid?

 

[wasenhorn]

"The story is set in LA, the city is torn apart by economic hardship and the streets are rules by ruthless crime lords and corrupt politicians. LAPD comes under the control of a new, young Chief of Police and he devises a special task force to combat corruption. During their investigation, they discover that a drug ring is being ran out of a maximum security prison, where experimental drugs are being tested on the inmates after they are tipped off by an anonymous source. So the Chief of Police hires this inmate to investigate the prison and to act as mole, as he gives them whatever information that he comes across. As he goes deeper into his investigation, he discovers a hit list with his name on it. Knowing that everyone is looking at him as a target after his cover is blown, the inmate realizes that he is truly on his own on the inside. With time running low the inmate has to fight for his survival as he tries to find the truth behind the drug ring and pursue the life he wish he had."


What more advice would you offer now? What should I change, what should I avoid?

I am also new here, but I would like to share my opinion if it counts for you.

The inmate must be portrayed as a silent saturated type of personality at the very beginning. How everyone just talks around him without caring about his presence can be an important factor in the character development. But his cellmate can be a snobby or humorist kind of personality which would keep the audience entertained. The inmate needs to have genuinely committed a crime worth 10 years in prison and that crime must haunt him in the nights. He must have an unfinished task or a motive outside the prison to have taken the job of an informer which is greatly ridiculed. The inmates' family problems can also be highlighted to give a more intimate feel to it.

Now the police officer's life must also have some developments. He's a well settled and happy person before all this starts. His wife loves him and is pregnant or something. But either he gets too indulged in his work to concentrate on her (if you want to give it a real life feel to it) other option is... someone from outside threatens his family/wife in some way (Denoting the corruption).

Write the character development of each actors through the script and fit in your creativity. It is a great story! Best of luck with it!

 

[Sigepwriter]

Two things: 1) Perhaps don't make the Chief young, that doesn't seem too believable, but you do have a real opportunity to make the Chiefs transition part of the story, perhaps integrate it into the cities corruption.

2) You also have a chance to be political with this story if you want to. A big "issue" in America is the privatization of the prison system, and the cycle of how to make money you have to have prisoners. Well to get prisoners, why not invent a new drug to get everyone high? Arrests go up, prisons get overcrowded, we have to build more, the CEO's of "prison corps" get rich.

As long as you spin your idea in a realistic way, I think you can pull it off.

 

[L Trick]

Umm, theres a Japanese film called 'Internal Affairs', about a mole in the police force: coincidence? Doesn't matter. You'd need to change things to avoid copyright. This Japanese film was also the basis for Scorsese's movie The Departed.

 

[Sulaco]

You're actually thinking of Infernal Affairs, a Hong Kong film that's considered a classic. And yeah... yours does sound an awful lot like it, though no reason it can't be done in an original manner I suppose.

 

[Lucky Hardwood]

Sorry I didn't see your reply sooner. Like Wassenhorn said, your prisoner character has to have a very strong motivation to turn stool pigeon. Suppose your inmate was involved in an armed robbery with a partner that went south and the clerk was killed. I know of a real life situation where an 18 year old guy was getting a ride home from school from a couple of buddies. They stopped at a store and the 18 year old waited in the back seat of the car. A short time later, the two guys leave the store with beer and get in the car. They get stopped by the cops because the two the went into the store robbed and killed the clerk. The guy that was in the back seat got life in prison with no hope of parole. He narrowly avoided the death penalty. His dad was a police Captain. You could use something like that. Wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's a popular theme in books and film. The guy's sister is dying and needs a transplant to save her life. He's a match but can't consent to donate the kidney/liver/whatever because the prison basically owns him and won't consent. There you have a likable character whose situation is believable and the audience will root for him to complete his mission so that he can save his sister. I also like the idea of exploring the privatization of the prison system and the corruption that it could breed. As for why there would be a young Chief of Police, in some jurisdictions, the Chief of Police is an elected position and he could be newly elected and the youngest Chief in history. Make his dad a hero cop that was killed in the line of duty saving orphans or something. His campaign platform could have been the eradication of the old corrupt system. People are stupid for change these days. Not only is the mole's life in danger, but the Chief is under the gun from those that don't want him to succeed. Lots of thriller intrigue potential there.

 

[TheEpitomeofAverage]

It's alot like The Departed but you can make it original in your own way. If hollywood only made truly original work, that would be the end of movies. So I like it, as long as you don't make it a carbon copy of The Departed or Internal Affairs

 

[maralyn]

You can call it: Sni-atch

But just because I'm not excited, doesn't mean I should be mean.

What could make the story more unique, more original?