Need Advice on my first short film script!

[LegendofZac]

Hi there guys,

I'm new to indietalk and so far am liking how it is. Anyways, I'm currently in the process of writing my first short film called "Cough Syrup" which will hopefully be my directorial debut. Essentially, I need help writing some of the scenes. Let's get started

1. How do you make add a tribute to another film/TV reference that isn't that obvious?
-Okay, essentially what I want to do is made a reference to the amazing show that was "Breaking Bad." It's liking copying the scene where Walt gets diagnosed with lung cancer and he is focusing on a mustard stain on the doctor's jacket. I essentially took that scene and adjusted it to my style, but I don't want people to see it as that I "stole" from Breaking Bad, but I'm actually adding a tribute to them in my own film. How do I make it look like a tribute other than stealing their ideas? Also, should I do this or not?

2. How do you show the beginning of a love affair?
-So, in the story, the father is in the military and the mother is caring for her only son. I want to show that the mother is getting tired of the father being away. I want to show that the mother at this point is fine with cheating on her husband, for he would never find out. I want to show that this love affair between the mother and her boss is just beginning, and make it look okay to the audience. I want it to look at little betrayal from the mother, but not so you the audience hate the mother. How do I do this? I have it written in a way it works, but it doesn't come across how I like it.

3. How do you show a cell phone conversation with only hearing one side of the conversation?
-One of my biggest pet peeves in movies is phone conversations whether it's over text message or actually talking. I loved how "Sherlock" did their text messages, and I'm really tempted to do a conversation that I want to be talked on over the phone changed to text messages for the conversation. The thing is that I want the conversation to be overheard (it's not mandatory) but I don't want to take the audience away from the story by showing the person on the other end of the phone or hearing them. I want the audience to be somewhat confused and I only want them seeing one side of the conversation (aka the person the audience is following.) How do I do this without leaving the audience too confused about what's happening or should I show both sides of the conversation to clear up confusions

4. Bonding sessions
-I need to put in a bonding session between two people who are complete opposites and become best friends. In the second act, they start out without even talking. And i want by the mid-point for them to be closer than possible.

Thanks so much guys for even just taking the time to look over my questions. If you need clarification on them at all, just respond and I'll clear it up. I look forward to becoming more involved on this forum and I can't wait to see your responses.

Thanks, Zac

 

[Filman]

1. By opening your film with the clarifying text: This film was made as a tribute to a scene in Breaking Bad where Walt gets diagnosed with lung cancer.

2. It will be quite clear if she mentions that she and her husband have an agreement that allows her.

 

[joelhall]

1. How do you make add a tribute to another film/TV reference that isn't that obvious?
-Okay, essentially what I want to do is made a reference to the amazing show that was "Breaking Bad." It's liking copying the scene where Walt gets diagnosed with lung cancer and he is focusing on a mustard stain on the doctor's jacket. I essentially took that scene and adjusted it to my style, but I don't want people to see it as that I "stole" from Breaking Bad, but I'm actually adding a tribute to them in my own film. How do I make it look like a tribute other than stealing their ideas? Also, should I do this or not?

Have the character or one of the supporting characters i the scene have a mustard stain without drawing attention to it. Subtly place a mustard brand advertisement in the scene. Have an extra outside spill mustard on himself from a hotdog as the character brushes past... lots of options. The key is subtlety and using an indirect reference.

2. How do you show the beginning of a love affair?
-So, in the story, the father is in the military and the mother is caring for her only son. I want to show that the mother is getting tired of the father being away. I want to show that the mother at this point is fine with cheating on her husband, for he would never find out. I want to show that this love affair between the mother and her boss is just beginning, and make it look okay to the audience. I want it to look at little betrayal from the mother, but not so you the audience hate the mother. How do I do this? I have it written in a way it works, but it doesn't come across how I like it.

Have her be nervous during love scenes, or saying something which makes it obvious she is nervous? Maybe after the scene, the person she is having the affair with could ask her how she feels about it? Have the actress play the scene in a 'conflicted' manner?

3. How do you show a cell phone conversation with only hearing one side of the conversation?
-One of my biggest pet peeves in movies is phone conversations whether it's over text message or actually talking. I loved how "Sherlock" did their text messages, and I'm really tempted to do a conversation that I want to be talked on over the phone changed to text messages for the conversation. The thing is that I want the conversation to be overheard (it's not mandatory) but I don't want to take the audience away from the story by showing the person on the other end of the phone or hearing them. I want the audience to be somewhat confused and I only want them seeing one side of the conversation (aka the person the audience is following.) How do I do this without leaving the audience too confused about what's happening or should I show both sides of the conversation to clear up confusions

Have two scenes just like this in our current project. The difference is the character is being vague on the phone as he is aware he's being overheard. Two issues: firstly, don't use static scenes if at all possible. Either keep the camera moving or have frequent shot cuts, otherwise the scene becomes monotonous. Secondly really think about the lines, and how the character can give away information subtly. Good trick: actually write both sides of the conversation, ring the actor from elsewhere and get them to film their side and then make adjustments accordingly. If anything it helps to make the conversation flow better then when an actor is talking to a 'silent phone'.

4. Bonding sessions
-I need to put in a bonding session between two people who are complete opposites and become best friends. In the second act, they start out without even talking. And i want by the mid-point for them to be closer than possible.

This really comes down to your story and talent and experience as a writer. You could throw in some event or 'chance' dialogue which is mutually important to them, however small, which allows for some common ground.