So far my narrative revolves around a 19 year old called David, who recently lost his memory in a car accident and is talking to a therapist to help gain his recollection of his past and identify himself. David tells the therapist about a recurring dream that his been having, where his seen drowning someone. The therapist suggests an activitity of closing his eyes and seeing what comes to his head first, in hope of remembering more. He does, and he returns to the dream of drowning someone again. David is shaken and begins to fear who he might truely be. The therapist explains to David that the drowning may be his subconscious, symbolizing his unresolved emotions to his friend who died in the car crash. Though David has not reflected any emotion to his friends death as he can not remember his friend. David states his been followed by people on the street and is often starred at when walking by people. The therapist explains his paranoid and David has an outburst of rage and anxiety. The session's time has ran out and the therapist prescribes David medication to calm his anxiety. David leaves the building and begins to walk home as he has a phobia of driving, since after the car accident. Soon after leaving the therapist David is followed by someone, and begins to run, as his running he seems to be the centre of attention as peoples eyes are drawn to him. He soon is hit by a car and is lying in the middle of the road when the driver gets out and says "David Jewel?", David replies "how do you know me?" he says "your on that television show". David then has a flashback of the drowning once again and this time during the drowning, a loud voice in the background yells "CUT".
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watch Need advice and feedback on short film narrative and twist
- Thread starter Dion
- Start date
Forgive me if I missed it but I am not so sure where exactly you need advise. I get the high level summary of your story - nice visuals. I like it - it's material that allows you a great deal of room to work with. I think you have all the elements to pull off the twist but if you were looking for some advise on how to go about doing so I have a few things that come to my mind...
To really get the maximum impact of a twist you need to misdirect your audience - lead them to make the wrong assumptions only to turn the tables around on them at the fulcrum of your story/scene. Do you want us (your audience) to think/feel that David is a killer, or capable of killing? Then lead us down that path. Heck, there is a cherry on the top of this cake if you can successfully lead even David to think that he is capable of this act. There are many ways to do this. Between the blurred flashbacks (which I would use to a minimum btw) use cuts between David and the therapist accented by cutaways to dangerous objects in the office (a letter opener and other things that you can do someone in with) to show and heighten the possibility that something is askew with poor David (heck even David thinks there's something not right about these dreams or flashbacks or whatever). Have David react differently to each object - escalating the reactions as the movie progresses and he gets more confused or convinced that he is capable of drowning someone.
This gives you a hint as to how you'll shoot this thing. The struggle is within David so shoot it from his perspective - more of David's subjective voice. Make us identify with David and feel sympathy for a young man who is dealing with memory loss (by the way how much of his memory has he lost?). Make us identify with David's internal struggle to regain his memory - especially the memory of that night - but contrast that with his deep fear of what he suspects he will learn when he remembers. Heighten the tension and the fear and the confusion and the paranoia as you progress to fulcrum (the second accident). Only show us what we need to know to keep heightening this tension. Only give us the hints that will support the twist sparingly - there to be seen only by the most perceptive of us, hidden, buried even, in all the escalating emotions leading up to the twist and then...
...BANG turn the tables on us and give us David Jewel's stage name - "Hey, hey, your David. David Jewel. Dude you play [insert stage name], one bad-ass serial killer on [insert show name]. Dude, that is my best show on TV, hands down. Shit I can't believe I just hit David Jewel. Hold on man, help is one the way."...or something like that.
Now the trick is does the shrink know that David is an actor? Tricky line here as this could shatter the illusion. The easy answer would be that the Shrink does not know anything of David's past, but then you have to answer the question of how famous is David if his Shrink does not even know what he does? The more satisfying and challenging aspect is to have the Shrink know and hint/suggest it but not so openly until his/her hints add to the big reveal that is the TWIST. Sort of like how M. Night used the color RED as a hint in the Sixth Sense. Maybe you can have the Shrink accidentally call him by his stage name then regroup immediately as he/she sees that mention of the name has not helped as it has caused poor David even more confusion. Or maybe David not responding to this name helps sell his state of total forgetfulness and confusion. Fine line that can bolster your twist, but I would think it through thoroughly as it can also kill your movie altogether.
Oh and one more thing. Sound. Nothing helps redirect the audiences attention like sound. During these flash backs have some muffled sound of the set that David works on. Make the sound a bit more clearer with each dream/flashback and it's most clearest on the director saying CUT at the end of your movie (the big reveal).
Well, like I said those are a few things that come to my mind. I'm sure you'll get all the help you need on this site. Great stuff there, Dion.
Good luck.
Kosh
To really get the maximum impact of a twist you need to misdirect your audience - lead them to make the wrong assumptions only to turn the tables around on them at the fulcrum of your story/scene. Do you want us (your audience) to think/feel that David is a killer, or capable of killing? Then lead us down that path. Heck, there is a cherry on the top of this cake if you can successfully lead even David to think that he is capable of this act. There are many ways to do this. Between the blurred flashbacks (which I would use to a minimum btw) use cuts between David and the therapist accented by cutaways to dangerous objects in the office (a letter opener and other things that you can do someone in with) to show and heighten the possibility that something is askew with poor David (heck even David thinks there's something not right about these dreams or flashbacks or whatever). Have David react differently to each object - escalating the reactions as the movie progresses and he gets more confused or convinced that he is capable of drowning someone.
This gives you a hint as to how you'll shoot this thing. The struggle is within David so shoot it from his perspective - more of David's subjective voice. Make us identify with David and feel sympathy for a young man who is dealing with memory loss (by the way how much of his memory has he lost?). Make us identify with David's internal struggle to regain his memory - especially the memory of that night - but contrast that with his deep fear of what he suspects he will learn when he remembers. Heighten the tension and the fear and the confusion and the paranoia as you progress to fulcrum (the second accident). Only show us what we need to know to keep heightening this tension. Only give us the hints that will support the twist sparingly - there to be seen only by the most perceptive of us, hidden, buried even, in all the escalating emotions leading up to the twist and then...
...BANG turn the tables on us and give us David Jewel's stage name - "Hey, hey, your David. David Jewel. Dude you play [insert stage name], one bad-ass serial killer on [insert show name]. Dude, that is my best show on TV, hands down. Shit I can't believe I just hit David Jewel. Hold on man, help is one the way."...or something like that.
Now the trick is does the shrink know that David is an actor? Tricky line here as this could shatter the illusion. The easy answer would be that the Shrink does not know anything of David's past, but then you have to answer the question of how famous is David if his Shrink does not even know what he does? The more satisfying and challenging aspect is to have the Shrink know and hint/suggest it but not so openly until his/her hints add to the big reveal that is the TWIST. Sort of like how M. Night used the color RED as a hint in the Sixth Sense. Maybe you can have the Shrink accidentally call him by his stage name then regroup immediately as he/she sees that mention of the name has not helped as it has caused poor David even more confusion. Or maybe David not responding to this name helps sell his state of total forgetfulness and confusion. Fine line that can bolster your twist, but I would think it through thoroughly as it can also kill your movie altogether.
Oh and one more thing. Sound. Nothing helps redirect the audiences attention like sound. During these flash backs have some muffled sound of the set that David works on. Make the sound a bit more clearer with each dream/flashback and it's most clearest on the director saying CUT at the end of your movie (the big reveal).
Well, like I said those are a few things that come to my mind. I'm sure you'll get all the help you need on this site. Great stuff there, Dion.
Good luck.
Kosh
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