Navajo Short Film - Science Fiction

[spiffapotamus]

Hello everyone,

I have been working on this script over the course of the past couple months. The original concept was to create interest in a much larger story, but I narrowed it down to a part in the story that sees our main characters undertaking a perilous journey. What I am curious about is how well the material will translate to non Navajo viewers who have no understanding of the mythology involved. I am also new to screenwriting so any critiques would be appreciated. We are in the looking for funding stages, but hope to begin principal photography this summer. You can also check us out on the web if you need some visuals to go along with this story.

http://www,monsterslayerproject.com
http://www.facebook.com/monsterslayerproject

If it is against the rules to post links to our project I can remove them.

Here is the script, please any feedback, would be greatly appreciated.

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B0Nez6XxBcDuWFN0dFRxRmFLREE/edit?usp=sharing

Thank you for your time and consideration

J Spencer

 

[wheatgrinder]

I think Coyote trickster god is pretty much in the collective conscious by now, and in your middle animation sequence you explain what we need to know anyway...

Certainly some of the symbolism is lost on me, but thats OK, your making a niche film and the niche deserves special treatment, or its not a niche film.. get me?

Enjoyable story.. general criticisms are the dialogue is a bit "on the nose" ... but Im also trying to recall if that sorta on the nose style IS indicative of actual speech patters. I don't have a lot to go on, but I think in some other similar niche films that it is a common speech pattern. I think the character of Thomas in "Smoke Signals" had that manner of speaking.. "hey Victor, Im sorry about your dad!" kinda stuff..

Hate the ending..Its cheep. I understood it to mean that the entire thing was a dream\vision\hallucination ...


Maybe your saying that Coyote caused the original crash and gave the rest to them as vision, if thats so, then we need to have some evidence in the ending to that effect. Maybe the all look at each other and say, did that just happen, or maybe we see Coyote dive by and laugh out the window, someone asks "who was that?" Uncle Fitz says, that the man who sold me the piickup!

Finlay, the action in the truck is confusing.. is it a king cab truck with back seats?

 

[spiffapotamus]

Thank you for your comments,

Actually the ending sequence is all four of them in the back of a truck as they have hitchhiked and are continuing on their destination. I will have to figure a way to convey that better. I am limited to 18 or so minutes and felt the transition could just be left out after the main characters shot at the creature.

It is a single cabbed truck with makeshift seating in the truck bed. It is common practice out on the reservation, and not something you would regularly see outside of it. They are communicating through a sliding window that makes up the center part of the rear window.

It is indeed a certain way of speaking, our heroes speak English that is indictive to the area. Kinda like Spanglish? The Victor character from smoke signals is an extreme example of how the accent might come across.

I really appreciate your input.

 

[wheatgrinder]

I presume your making this movie your self, which is AWESOME by the way!

I'm guessing there is some significance in the character names and the way they are actually pronounced... they are supposed to sound like "normal names" but are actual deeper names .. this is cool, but confusing to read, plus it sorta blows the "reveal" think "Lu Cipher" from Angle Heart..

In the end you have them in the bed of the pickup, I think its important that the pickup be moving down the highway, this will add to the sense that there is something more to come... you probably have that in your head, but its not actually in the script..


ah, I get the ending now.. so its the BEGGING of their bigger journey slaying monsters etc..
a closing voice over is pretty common here.. think the end of the terminator movies...


or just have someone say something funny, like.. "well that was fun, I wonder what will happen next!" I don't know, your the writer.. lol

 

[spiffapotamus]

Yes this is indeed an indie production. I do have some great team members however.

There is actually quite a bit of significance in the names of our two main characters. I am not too worried about the foreshadowing that it implies, there are other bits of the story that aren't explained here that I hope we get the opportunity to flesh out.

Shondiin is navajo for sunlight, and her lastname Yazzie is navajo for Little, when put together it translates roughly as the little sun.

Here is a little snippet of the short story I wrote called Ascension: The Hero Twins Return, before starting the screen play.

Shondiin as her grandfather affectionately calls her, is Navajo for “sunlight”. He named her this on the day she was born because she lit his face up with a beaming smile, as does the sunlight of the rising sun during his morning prayer.

Yes, The ending scene will have the truck on a paved road, as they have made the trek from their wrecked vehicle to one of the main veins of transportation on the reservation.

I am working on rewrites of that ending. I left dialogue out because I planned on inserting contemporary navajo flute music that is basically beat boxing with a flute while the title screen and the credits roll.

 

[wheatgrinder]

Cool stuff..

the names as written in the script should be consistent..

For example, in the Dialogue headers, you use SHAWNA DEAN to denote her lines, but in the dialogue of other talking to the character SHAWNA DEAN you use "Shondiin" which I image sound very similar which is a pretty cool thing to do, but it does CONFUSE the reading. As you work with others you will likely have to explain this again and again.. might be easier to use the same spelling throughout the script. Its possible I'm missing something, maybe the times you use what I will call "the true name" you are intending to add a bit of confusion to the viewer.

 

[Cryogenic]

So how is this project coming along? Do you plan on doing a kickstarter or indiegogo project for this? If so please post a link.