My Script, And A Plead For Judgement

[CrazyChris]

Here is the link to my short film script, TWO GUNS:

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B0XZd-PXmoRranlVQVlqSV9TdktPOTJScjRpTVNiUQ

Two Guns is the working title. I wouldn't be against any suggestions for the title. I'd be cool.

If you guys could give some general judgements of any kind related to the script with the motivation of bettering the script, please, please do so. It's been iterated and contorted many times and has been through 5 drafts now, but it still doesn't feel right. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


Chris

 

[FantasySciFi]

There are a few problems with the script but I think the issue that you're picking up on is that the characters seem rather flat. Right now, the piece feels more like a collection of scenes rather than a more cohesive story.

There are two parts to a story: the objective (visible) part and the subjective (felt) part. At the moment, I don't feel anything for any of the characters which makes them rather 2D. To change that, you need to build up a bit of internal conflict.

Dylan and Harrison had a twisted relationship--user and supplier. Any good supplier will attempt to make his user feel indebted. Even though Dylan is trying to go clean, there are still feelings. That's what you need to bring out a bit in your dialogue and actions.

Have Dylan more surprised and conflicted when he finds he needs to kill Harrison. Have Harrison reminisce a bit about the "old days"--build the conflict in Dylan. Then at the bridge, have Harrison say something that lets Dylan break out of that 'friend mode' so he can shoot Harrison. After Harrison is shot, I'd make Dylan try to show the boss he's able to fill that role before getting shot.

I got the sense when I read it, that you had the ending in mind and then worked backwards. While that works for some writers, I think it tends to make it more difficult, especially for longer pieces. So many choices need to be worked backwards to get to a reasonable start. And an unfortunate side effect is that some of the characters are flat. Now you need to revitalize them. In a good script, the main character holds the audience's attention. In this case, Dylan needs to be interesting. At the moment, he's just in the background.

I think if you give Dylan and Harrison more personal interaction, your script will feel more real, like a story and less like a series of shots. Good luck!

 

[CrazyChris]

Thanks @FantasySciFi. I've looked back over the script, and you're right. Very good advice. I'll get right to giving it the remedy of even more ferocious obsessive treatment.