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My First Comedy Script, Help Appreciated (Only 5 Pages Long)

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I kinda liked it. Read the whole 5 pages. You took what was a very dramatic and scary situation and found the humor in it. I suggest just getting a camera and some funny people and just shooting something to get the feel of how your dialog sounds out of real people's mouths. For me it was shocking what worked well on paper and fell flat on screen. Also, I was fortunate enough to work with a few talented performers who transformed boring characters into hilarious personas.
best of luck.
 
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Hello all,

Thanks for all the feedback, unfortunately I won't be shooting this script myself, this will be one that I sell on.

And on that note if anyone is interested in buying the script please PM me and we can discuss the price (I'll do it cheaper than normal as it's for you indietalk guys)
 
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Just curious, do people actually buy short scripts?

Abraxas Studios said:
Hello all,

Thanks for all the feedback, unfortunately I won't be shooting this script myself, this will be one that I sell on.

And on that note if anyone is interested in buying the script please PM me and we can discuss the price (I'll do it cheaper than normal as it's for you indietalk guys)
Click to expand...
 
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That was great. I started reading Mike with the voice of Samuel L. Jackson. At the end I thought: "Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking bombs on these motherfucking people!" Obviously a play on his Snakes on a Plane quote. Thoroughly enjoyed it :cool:
 
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You guys are making this hard for me to let go of lol, making me contemplate making it myself. And lol Samuel L Jacksons voice in my head as I wrote it haha!

I'll see if I get any decent offers on the script and I'll go from there
 
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Abraxas Studios,

While I know that's not your real name, it would catch your attention. But anyways, Spencer, I read your script and I have a few suggestions:

As far as the overall craft of your screenplay, a few things could use some tweaking. If you've not already sold the script, i would suggest trying to tighten your action and your descriptions, especially at the beginning of the script. Also, try to avoid using words like 'bemused' more than once. Overuse a good word, and it loses it's impact.

Another thing, for a script with 3 characters, and only 2 of which who have any dialogue, I expect all of them to have names. Calling the bomb...bomber? bombman? the bomb guy MAN seems lazy. Give him a name, any name! Even Lester! It will add to the character and make him seem more real. It will help your reader as well as the eventual actor.

As for the story itself, you have a clever, funny little scenario here. I think you can up the ante a little more. We're thrust into a situation without any information of these characters. I almost feel as if I tuned in slightly too late. A lot about Mike is revealed in dialogue. While not always the best course of action, you handled it pretty well. It's obvious from how he handles the situation with the Man who he is, but you could add an extra layer of humor to his character by letting us see glimpses of who he is before hand. How is he with his wife? How does he deal with minor annoyances? Let's see a little bit more of him so that when he explodes at the Man, it has that extra level of impact.

While I'm on a stream of conscious rant, I think the detail of him going to England to bury his father seems a little out of left field, and I would cut it.

The whole thing plays out a little bit too much like a sketch instead of a short film. I think you really do have something here. With a little bit of tweaking, I think it could be a great film! Perhaps (and this is just a suggestion, what the hell do I know.) make us think that this will be a fish out of water story. We have a Samuel L. Jackson type character in England. That's funny! See him in that environment for like a page or a page and a half before we put him in this super market bomb situation.

As for the ending, I think you can do a little better. End with a little more umph. I don't know exactly what that umph is, but I think you can find it.

Good luck with your writing. I hope you succeed in selling this. I would love to see it acted out!

~Dave
 
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doovidooves said:
Abraxas Studios,

While I know that's not your real name, it would catch your attention. But anyways, Spencer, I read your script and I have a few suggestions:

As far as the overall craft of your screenplay, a few things could use some tweaking. If you've not already sold the script, i would suggest trying to tighten your action and your descriptions, especially at the beginning of the script. Also, try to avoid using words like 'bemused' more than once. Overuse a good word, and it loses it's impact.

Another thing, for a script with 3 characters, and only 2 of which who have any dialogue, I expect all of them to have names. Calling the bomb...bomber? bombman? the bomb guy MAN seems lazy. Give him a name, any name! Even Lester! It will add to the character and make him seem more real. It will help your reader as well as the eventual actor.

As for the story itself, you have a clever, funny little scenario here. I think you can up the ante a little more. We're thrust into a situation without any information of these characters. I almost feel as if I tuned in slightly too late. A lot about Mike is revealed in dialogue. While not always the best course of action, you handled it pretty well. It's obvious from how he handles the situation with the Man who he is, but you could add an extra layer of humor to his character by letting us see glimpses of who he is before hand. How is he with his wife? How does he deal with minor annoyances? Let's see a little bit more of him so that when he explodes at the Man, it has that extra level of impact.

While I'm on a stream of conscious rant, I think the detail of him going to England to bury his father seems a little out of left field, and I would cut it.

The whole thing plays out a little bit too much like a sketch instead of a short film. I think you really do have something here. With a little bit of tweaking, I think it could be a great film! Perhaps (and this is just a suggestion, what the hell do I know.) make us think that this will be a fish out of water story. We have a Samuel L. Jackson type character in England. That's funny! See him in that environment for like a page or a page and a half before we put him in this super market bomb situation.

As for the ending, I think you can do a little better. End with a little more umph. I don't know exactly what that umph is, but I think you can find it.

Good luck with your writing. I hope you succeed in selling this. I would love to see it acted out!

~Dave
Click to expand...

Ahh, I've been waiting for a post like this lol. I appreciate the time you took to post this.

I wil change the name of the MAN to something, not sure what, but I agree with you, it was pretty lazy.

What I basically did with this was write it as fast as possible. It's not often I think of something funny so I was trying to get it all down and out of my head before I forgot it all. It kind of shows with some of the dialogue etc. I'm going to go back over it and tighten it up. I'll also get rid of the "coming over to bury my dad" thing, in hindsight, I don't think it's needed at all

Thanks again :)
 
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