action My First Action Sequence

[wheatgrinder]

Please critique if you like. Let me know if Im boring you..

(quick context, JAMIE (age 10) is possibly the last little girl on earth.)


INT. FARM HOUSE BACK ROOM-EVENING

Jamie's head rests gently on her folder arms. The single "yip" of a coyote echoes in the silence. Jamie's eyes snap open. Jamie waits a few heart beats, holding her breath. She hears the "yip" again. She is on her feet and running for the front door.

INT. FARM HOUSE KITCHEN-EVENING

Jamie snatches the pump action shotgun from besides the door as she rushes out the door pumping a round into the chamber and yelling...

JAMIE

Oh no you don't you stupid dog! Get away from my DucDucks!

EXT. FARM HOUSE-EVENING

Jamie rounds the corner of house and charges towards the duck coup. There is a spray of gray and white feathers on the ground near the wide open gate of the duck yard. She stops and raises the gun tight against her shoulder. Her finger rests along the outside of the trigger guard. Jamie swivels her head, the barrel of the gun like an extension of her eye, looking for the bandit. In the tall grass behind the barn she sees movement and the tan blur of the beast. She breaths in slowly, holds it, and squeezes the trigger. The boom is deafening, she jacks in another round and fires. She keeps loading and firing, the spent shells, smoking, land softly at her feet. The hammer falls on an empty chamber. She drops the now empty gun, clambering through the wire fence and runs toward the carnage.

EXT. FARM FILED-EVENING

Jamie slows to a walk as she reaches the waist high grass. The narrow animal track bends sharply. As she rounds the bend there is blood and feathers covering the ground, and further along the track, the mangled body of the duck. She runs the last few steps to the little corpse, falling to her knees. Tears streaming down her face...

JAMIE

Oh Smokey, Im so sorry...

 

[Lord of Light]

Not bad, but I'd break up the direction in the EXT. FARM HOUSE - EVENING scene just to make it more readable. Try to limit yourself to three or four lines when it comes to direction. Makes for a better read and you won't find people glancing over it as they read through. It is imperative that you hold the readers' attention the whole time.

Real nice though.

EDIT: And I just noticed this, but if it's a pump action shotgun, there won't be a hammer that falls. There are shotguns like that, but they're not pump action. Sorry, little things like that tend to catch my eye.

 

[wheatgrinder]

Not bad, but I'd break up the direction in the EXT. FARM HOUSE - EVENING scene just to make it more readable. Try to limit yourself to three or four lines when it comes to direction. Makes for a better read and you won't find people glancing over it as they read through. It is imperative that you hold the readers' attention the whole time.

Real nice though.

EDIT: And I just noticed this, but if it's a pump action shotgun, there won't be a hammer that falls. There are shotguns like that, but they're not pump action. Sorry, little things like that tend to catch my eye.

Thanks, hey Im confused about something though..
If I break up scenes into more scenes it starts to read a lot like a shot list, which I thought was no-no?


(Glad to meet another gun geek!)

The next bit is 100% fun so don't get snooty!

Most modern guns with triggers have hammers. The hammer drives the firing pin. So you are correct to point out an error, though your correction is too in error! (haha) It is INACCURATE to say the hammer falls on an empty chamber, the hammer never falls on the chamber empty or otherwise.

(http://www.urban-armory.com/diagrams/brnga5.htm) typical exploded pump shotgun diagram..


However, EVERYONE knows what you mean when you say "the hammer falls on an empty chamber" few people will get "The Firing pin is thrust forward just past the bolt face to the plane of the breach, but fails to encounter a charged priming device as the chamber is void" Though that's way more accurate DOH!

FYI: I had considered NONE of that when I wrote the line, so thanks for the opportunity to review my useless store of knowledge!

 

[Lord of Light]

Haha, I stand corrected. It's all good though. Most of the time though, when I use the word HAMMER in a gun reference, it's mostly aimed towards revolvers and pistols. I use the word BOLT for assault rifles and other rifles. Though I've never written much for shotguns. Usually just say HE'S EMPTY or something like that.

And, yes, it does read sort of like a shot list, but it's also easier to read with less lines. Just like when some yahoo on IMDB creates a wall of texts to orchestrate a point. Not to say that yours is a wall of text. Even I've ran into that problem before. Read THE HOLLYWOOD STANDARD VOL 2 by Christopher Riley. It helped me a lot with structure.

And, FYI, I prefer the term "gun nut"

 

[Will Vincent]

Thanks, hey Im confused about something though..
If I break up scenes into more scenes it starts to read a lot like a shot list, which I thought was no-no?

The suggestion to break it up more was not suggesting more scenes but breaking things out from one big chunk of text into smaller easily digestible pieces..

So rather than this...

EXT. FARM HOUSE-EVENING

Jamie rounds the corner of house and charges towards the duck coup. There is a spray of gray and white feathers on the ground near the wide open gate of the duck yard. She stops and raises the gun tight against her shoulder. Her finger rests along the outside of the trigger guard. Jamie swivels her head, the barrel of the gun like an extension of her eye, looking for the bandit. In the tall grass behind the barn she sees movement and the tan blur of the beast. She breaths in slowly, holds it, and squeezes the trigger. The boom is deafening, she jacks in another round and fires. She keeps loading and firing, the spent shells, smoking, land softly at her feet. The hammer falls on an empty chamber. She drops the now empty gun, clambering through the wire fence and runs toward the carnage.

Something more like this...

EXT. FARM HOUSE-EVENING

Jamie rounds the corner of house and charges towards the duck coup. A spray of gray and white feathers litter the ground near the wide open gate of the duck yard.

Jamie stops abruptly.

Pressing the gun tight against her shoulder, her finger resting along the outside of the trigger guard, Jamie swivels her head, the gun barrel an extension of her eye.

She spots movement. The tan blur of the beast scurries through the tall grass behind the barn.

Jamie takes a slow breath, holds it, squeezes the trigger.

Her tiny shoulder jerks back as a deafening boom sends a round down range toward the animal.

She jacks in another round and fires.

Spent shells fall, smoking, landing softly at her feet.

More rounds are sent hurtling toward the intruder.

The gun clicks, empty, she drops the now useless weapon.

Clambering through the wire fence, Jamie runs toward the carnage.

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

I would even go so far as to use...

Secondary headings to direct the mind's eye...

Maybe something along these lines...

EXT. FARM HOUSE - NIGHT

Jamie rounds the corner -- charges toward the duck coup. A spray of

GRAY AND WHITE FEATHERS

litter the ground -- Jamie FREEZES.

HER FINGER

hovers just outside the trigger guard.

JAMIE

presses the gun tight against her shoulder -- the barrel an extension of her eye.

A TAN BLUR

scurries through the tall grass -- JAMIE follows the blur -- a slow breath -- holds it

SQUEEZES THE TRIGGER

BOOM! Her tiny shoulder jerks from recoil -- she jacks in another round: BOOM!

EMPTY SMOKING SHELLS

fall to the ground -- BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! CLICK. Gun empty, Jamie drops the
shotgun, clambers through the wire fence -- races toward the carnage.

filmy

 

[wheatgrinder]

Wow, that is so helpful. Thanks folks!

 

[wheatgrinder]

Here is how interpreted your advice.

INT. FARM HOUSE BACK ROOM-Morning

Jamie's head rests gently on her folder arms. The single muffled "yip" of a coyote splits the silence. Jamie's eyes snap open. Jamie waits a few heart beats, holding her breath. She hears the "yip" again. She is on her feet and running for the front door.

INT. FARM HOUSE KITCHEN-Morning

Jamie snatches the shotgun from besides the door, pumping a round into the chamber as she rushes outside.

EXT. FARM HOUSE-Morning

Jamie rounds the corner of house and charges towards the duck coup.

GRAY AND WHITE BLOODY FEATHERS pepper the ground.

The DUCK YARD GATE is open.

JAMIE STOPS and raises the gun tight against her shoulder, resting her FINGER atop the trigger guard.

Jamie is crouching and steeping sideways. The GUN BARREL TRACKING SMOOTHLY as she moves towards the fence line.

EXT. FARM FILED-Morning

A TAN BLUR scurries through the tall grass growing along the far edge of the muddy pasture.

THE SHOTGUN follows the blur, JAMIE sucks in a slow breath -- holds it. Jammie squeezes the TRIGGER.

BOOM! Her tiny shoulders jerk from the recoil -- She cycles in another round: BOOM!

EMPTY SMOKING SHELLS

fall to the ground -- BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! CLICK. The gun is empty. Jamie drops the gun and clambers through the wire fence, SLIPPING AND SLIDING as she races towards the carnage.

EXT. FARM FILED-Morning

Jamie slows to a walk as she reaches the WAIST HIGH GRASS. The narrow animal trail bends sharply. As she rounds the bend there is BLOOD AND FEATHERS covering the ground.

Jamie steps further along the trail rounding another bend, the MANGLED DUCK lies in a tangle of creeper vines.

Jamie runs the few steps to the little duck corpse, falling to her knees. Tears streaming down her MUD SPLATTERED FACE.

EXT. FARM FILED-MORNING

Jamie looks up, wiping at her tears as the "yip yip" and high barking of the coyote pack echoes. Jamie slowly stands, several more of the gray bloody lumps lay nearby in the trampled grass.

EXT. FARM House YARD-AFTERNOON

Jamie drops the shovel and walks away from a dozen little graves decorated with pretty feathers pushed into the mounds of freshly turned loam.

 

[BelangerRRRRRRR]

WAY to long in your sentence. The best way to write action is with short fast sentence with only verbs.

EXP:

Louis opens the door.

He gets an axe beside the door.

Marie looks at him.

Louis swing the axe.

Marie dodge the axe swing.

The axe get stock on the floor.

Marie hides under the table.

Louis try to release the axe from the floor.

The axe is release from the floor.

Marie Stand up on the opposite side of the table.

Louis looked at her.

He swing the axe.

Marie run to the leaving room and Louis swing the axe on the table. ( I use AND here because the action is almost in the same time.)


Let the director figuring out the blanks. YOu are not the director. Give only the material so the drama works.

ec.


Fast, short, simple.


You writing is way to complex and descriptive. VERB VERB VERB and only VERB.

 

[wheatgrinder]

WAY to long in your sentence. The best way to write action is with short fast sentence with only verbs.

EXP:

Louis opens the door.

He gets an axe beside the door.

Marie looks at him.

Louis swing the axe.

Marie dodge the axe swing.

The axe get stock on the floor.

Marie hides under the table.

Louis try to release the axe from the floor.

The axe is release from the floor.

Marie Stand up on the opposite side of the table.

Louis looked at her.

He swing the axe.

Marie run to the leaving room and Louis swing the axe on the table. ( I use AND here because the action is almost in the same time.)


Let the director figuring out the blanks. YOu are not the director. Give only the material so the drama works.

ec.


Fast, short, simple.


You writing is way to complex and descriptive. VERB VERB VERB and only VERB.

Thanks for your comments, and I dig it.
If you knew you were going to be the director of the script your writing, does it change how you approach you very spare, VERB VERB VERB style?

 

[Will Vincent]

Thanks for your comments, and I dig it.
If you knew you were going to be the director of the script your writing, does it change how you approach you very spare, VERB VERB VERB style?

Even then, keeping it more short and concise makes reading the script easier.

Write the extra stuff as notes to yourself on your copy of the script, or detail those points in the storyboards..