My Crappy Query Letter

[ussinners]

Ok, I KNOW I suck at this type stuff. My mind doesn't wrap around these things. Maybe one day it will.

Some of you actually read my script Half-A-Heart. So perhaps you can help.

This is a query letter I took off the net, and said to be "traditional".

Dear Agent X:

Below is a query for my drama/mystery HALF-A-HEART.

Premise (or Logline): The happiest day in every woman's life is her wedding day. So, when Lucille Johnson's father and best friend Maryellen Haggerty arrive in NYC from Charleston SC to celebrate her pending nuptials, they are shocked to find a troubled young woman. Lucille has found love in the Big City, but not her mother Grace whom she came to find. Lucille had been told Grace died when she was very young. A PI is hired. Grace's downward spiral is revealed through friends, acquaintances and lovers twenty years past. Is Lucille headed down the same path of Grace's self-destruction?

My first feature Us Sinners was Produced by Athelstan Pictures and distributed World Wide by American Horrors.

I hope you will give me the opportunity to submit HALF-A-HEART to [COMPANY X]. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

George Snow

That premise blows big time. But, it does give the basic plot. Can someone make this presentable?

I'd greatly appreciate it.

THANKS: George

 

[Ccolebrook]

I wouldn't bother giving character names unless it's relevant.

I was going to rewrite your logline and give you some feedback but I'm confused as to what the movie is really about.
Relatives visit the protagonist in the big city, expecting to find her in pre-nuptial bliss but instead find her in distress, having discovered that her long dead mother is really alive? Her mother's story, told through a PI, elaborates on the themes of the protagonist's story?

Is that right? I'm confused bro.

 

[Adeimantus]

George,

You're right. That's got the be the worst query letter in the world. For God's sake, don't send it out...

Let me take a shot at it.

And if I write you a good one, and you use it and get a bite, you're gonna owe me big-time, bro.



But give me a couple days, ok?

-Charles

 

[L.I.F.E.]

You want a premise or a logline? A logline is usually 1-2 sentences.

 

[ussinners]

Everyone I'm open to any suggestions.

Ccolebrook, that's pretty much the premise.

The daughter is falling into the trap her mother fell into when she moved to NY. It's kind of like North vrs South. Big City eats up small town folk.

 

[Ccolebrook]

Ah okay. See I'd say it more like you just did than how you originally worded it. Nice and quick. You can think of an audience that would see it, a way to market it etc. The specifics of how the story is told can be shown through the outline or a synopsis.

 

[Adeimantus]

Maybe something like this?


Dear Agent X:

I read recently that you’re interested in “dramas with a strong female lead.” I think my feature screenplay, “Half-A-Heart” might interest you.

What if you suddenly discovered that your supposedly dead mother might still be alive? And what if everything you believed about your life, about your father, and about the world is suddenly turned upside down and now in doubt? And what if YOU’RE the only one who can find out the truth?

That’s Lucille’s problem, a problem she has to cope with while she deals with a pending marriage. Her father and best friend have just arrived in New York City from Charleston, South Carolina, and Lucille is torn between her small-city, southern roots, the big city, and the love of a good man that she’s found for the first time.

On a mission to uncover the truth, armed with a strong wit and tenacious will, can she find her mother, her past, and thus her future? Will she follow her mother’s path, or blaze her own?

“Half-A-Heart” is my second feature screenplay.

My first feature Us Sinners was Produced by Athelstan Pictures and distributed World Wide by American Horrors.

Thanks for the opportunity to present my work. May I send you a copy of “Half-A-Heart?”

Sincerely,

George Snow

 

[ussinners]

Maybe something like this?


Dear Agent X:

I read recently that you’re interested in “dramas with a strong female lead.” I think my feature screenplay, “Half-A-Heart” might interest you.

What if you suddenly discovered that your supposedly dead mother might still be alive? And what if everything you believed about your life, about your father, and about the world is suddenly turned upside down and now in doubt? And what if YOU’RE the only one who can find out the truth?

That’s Lucille’s problem, a problem she has to cope with while she deals with a pending marriage. Her father and best friend have just arrived in New York City from Charleston, South Carolina, and Lucille is torn between her small-city, southern roots, the big city, and the love of a good man that she’s found for the first time.

On a mission to uncover the truth, armed with a strong wit and tenacious will, can she find her mother, her past, and thus her future? Will she follow her mother’s path, or blaze her own?

“Half-A-Heart” is my second feature screenplay.

My first feature Us Sinners was Produced by Athelstan Pictures and distributed World Wide by American Horrors.

Thanks for the opportunity to present my work. May I send you a copy of “Half-A-Heart?”

Sincerely,

George Snow

That's fucking amazing. It says everything it should. I OWE you big time.

 

[L.I.F.E.]

I have to concur, that was very well written!

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

As a 1st pass (or off the cuff stab at it), nice job Charles, and I know you are just giving an example really, but beyond that I think you or Geroge can and should go another round or two with this.

That’s Lucille’s problem, a problem she has to cope with…

You drew the prospective reader in (with the 1st paragraph) by placing them in the premise’s hypothetical “what if” shoes, but then (Snaps fingers) you flip the switch of emotional interest and investment to cold off. There is want of soft-machine finesse in that transition, like “Meet Lucy..” or something less abrupt and detaching, so once the vicarious emotional interest is gained in the reader, it’s held.

… while she deals with a pending marriage.

This sounds more like she is going through a divorce than it does like goosing the potentially marketable ‘happiest day of someone’s life’ suddenly having an urgent, deeper twist to it.

… and Lucille is torn between her small-city, southern roots, the big city, and the love of a good man that she’s found for the first time.

*Unless the script has drastically changed since I read it, then this lilly guilding is overselling undercooked subplot to your potential reader and creating a line of dramatic promises that really are not fulfilled or made good on.

I don’t recall anything about her small-city Southern roots tearing at her.

She takes to limos, clubs, a DJ, and the homeless like a fish to water, and in one instance she even laughs at the victim of a crime. I would not call this torn by the big city.

There is/was no back story about any other romantic relationships with men in her life, and
Stewart (The fiancé) is/was basically a supporting subplot character that provides a level of conflict so little that to say she is torn by it is kind of funny really.


Just some thoughts.

-Thanks-

 

[ussinners]

… and Lucille is torn between her small-city, southern roots, the big city, and the love of a good man that she’s found for the first time.

*Unless the script has drastically changed since I read it, then this lilly guilding is overselling undercooked subplot to your potential reader and creating a line of dramatic promises that really are not fulfilled or made good on.

I don’t recall anything about her small-city Southern roots tearing at her.

She takes to limos, clubs, a DJ, and the homeless like a fish to water, and in one instance she even laughs at the victim of a crime. I would not call this torn by the big city.

There is/was no back story about any other romantic relationships with men in her life, and
Stewart (The fiancé) is/was basically a supporting subplot character that provides a level of conflict so little that to say she is torn by it is kind of funny really.

-Thanks-

This is one of the things that you really have to look to little things and subtext for. This is in the performances, where it should be. It was much more prevalent in version 3 or 4, but still in this version.

1. While it's not exploding in exposition, this is very much a South vrs North script. The big city eating up helpless small town victims.

2. Maryellen is Lucille's mirror image. It's shown in the opening scenes. Most bluntly in the photos Daddy looks at, where it's stated that Lucille is dressed like Maryellen. So, Lucille and Maryellen looked exactly alike, and were (are) best friends. What changed? Why does Lucille suddenly have black hair and wear no color? Why does she leave the room to take phone calls? Does anything about her actions remind you of a bride to be?

3. Maryellen says "You ran from town after Annabelle died. I got two letters and a Christmas card in 8 months, and now you're getting married." Lucille has obviously cut herself off from her past. Why? Grace didn't even do that.

This all adds up to a troubled woman. What is her saving Grace? Stuart.

4. Stuart's role while small is extremely important. It doesn't matter what Lucille's history with men was. The question is, does he love her? Will he be a good husband? Is he like all the men Grace had relations with? This is answered in his actions. A) He feels for Maryellen and Daddy for the kosher smorgesboard his parents take them too. So, he takes them out for something southerns will enjoy, meat and potatoes. B) When he hears Lucille loves bowling, he finds a bowling alley to take her. He thinks about her happiness. This scene which a few people have said is useless is actually pretty important as it cements Daddy's relationship with Stuart. C) He moves to Charleston at the end. That's love and devotion. That's a happy ending.

When I worked in theatre, the resident Director once said, if you can read a script and understand the meaning of every scene the first time through, the script sucks. First time reading a script (especially a screenplay) you don't know the characters through and through. Once you enjoy what you've read, and believe the story has potential, then you start putting the nuances into the characters, by dissecting the meaning of each scene.

 

[TheBuck]

Fuck I think I want some of you write my query letters