Well I'm gonna be HONEST. I couldn't even finish the first page because it's a difficult read for me. Way overwritten. Passive voice. On the nose dialogue.
For some reason, I thought this was a feature spec and not a short... Which is the only reason I decided to read it since I have a little free time.
I'm guessing that it's probably just a little shorter than the actual page count since it's so
overwritten... Having said that? I'd concentrate on the dialogue for sure. Right now? Your characters say EXACTLY what's on their minds when really? We don't do that. We're always masking the truth of what we say out loud. There are always double or more meanings being said. It's called SUBTEXT. Read up on subtext (if you haven't already) and see how you can change your dialogue so that it's SNAPPY and FLOWS and has more than one meaning.
In the beginning? You have the 3 high schoolers sitting and chatting... Why not have Tommy enter from being outside? All wet from the rain which would be a nice visual and at the same time, he talks about how bad it is out there.
Maybe something like...
INT. JAKE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
TWO HIGH SCHOOLERS sit on a couch -- JAKE and LIZZIE.
Jake stares out the window as TOMMY bursts inside soaking
wet.
TOMMY
We're gonna need a bigger boat.
LIZZIE
Huh?
TOMMY
It's a river out there.
JAKE
Board game time!
TOMMY
Monopoly! I call the top hat.
Not saying to use any of this... Just trying to give you a feel for how you could go about revising it. Make it fun. And I'm dating myself with Monopoly. It's about the only board game I play... LOL.
Tighten up your action/description... Get rid of the passive voice.
When I have time, I'll come back and tell you what I think of the actual story.
Good luck!
*NOTE: My preference would have normally been to have gone darker but since I'm not sure yet how dark this is? I kept it light.