Hi all,
Don't know if you guys remember, but I recently started a thread asking for opinions on one of my short scripts. Now, one of the things that stuck out in the replies was that numerous people said I had too much dialogue and not enough action.
Well, I've just started writing my first feature. It's a cop drama with a serious twist. I don't really want to say much about the overall plot, but it basically follows a good cop as he deals with his SERIOUSLY corrupt department. That might sound kinda cheesey, but I think when it's done it will be at least decent.
Anyway, I've written about ten pages so far, and I thought I'd ask what you guys think of the opening bit. It's 100% action, so I'm anxious for advice and opinions. Bit of background: This scene is the first bit of the screenplay, but it takes place in about the middle of the story. There are some flashbacks and such later on that clue the reader/viewer in on what's happening and why, but for now, please enjoy the first page of my As-Of-Now-Untitled-Cop-Action/Drama:
INT. BATHROOM - MORNING
A small, bland hotel bathroom. Officer JEFF MCCREARY stands
facing the faucet in the small shower/bath combo with his
eyes closed. He lets water run over his body. He is tall and
in his 40s, with five o’clock shadow and medium length hair.
Jeff leans against the wall using his left arm as a support.
He showers for a few moments. A small noise is heard just
outside the shower. Jeff opens his eyes and looks to his
right. He slowly takes his arm down from the wall and
silently turns to face the shower curtain.
A SWAT OFFICER attempts to grab Jeff through the curtain.
The officer is armed with an M16 assault rifle. Jeff grabs
the officer’s arms and twists him in the curtain, and the
two fall into the bathtub.
Three other SWAT OFFICERs stand in the bathroom, armed with
assault rifles, shotguns, and submachine guns.
Jeff pins the officer down in the bathtub and takes the
officer’s handgun off of his belt. He shoots the officer in
the back of the head and the other officers open fire. Jeff
grabs the M16 and blind fires over the side of the bathtub
at the other officers.
Jeff kills the three officers and stands up. He steps out
of the bathtub. He breathes heavily and realizes that he has
been shot in the arm. Jeff drops the M16 and staggers to the
towel rack.
Jeff retrieves a robe from the rack and begins to put it on.
A SWAT officer with a shotgun bursts through the door and
tackles Jeff.
Jeff and the officer wrestle, and Jeff manages to get his
hand around the grip of the shotgun. Jeff pushes the barrel
of the shotgun under the officer’s chin and pulls the
trigger.
Two other SWAT officers run into the bathroom. Jeff pumps
the shotgun and shoots an officer in the chest. He pumps the
shotgun again and shoots the other officer in the stomach,
wounding him.
The officer falls into the hotel room as Jeff stands up.
Don't know if you guys remember, but I recently started a thread asking for opinions on one of my short scripts. Now, one of the things that stuck out in the replies was that numerous people said I had too much dialogue and not enough action.
Well, I've just started writing my first feature. It's a cop drama with a serious twist. I don't really want to say much about the overall plot, but it basically follows a good cop as he deals with his SERIOUSLY corrupt department. That might sound kinda cheesey, but I think when it's done it will be at least decent.
Anyway, I've written about ten pages so far, and I thought I'd ask what you guys think of the opening bit. It's 100% action, so I'm anxious for advice and opinions. Bit of background: This scene is the first bit of the screenplay, but it takes place in about the middle of the story. There are some flashbacks and such later on that clue the reader/viewer in on what's happening and why, but for now, please enjoy the first page of my As-Of-Now-Untitled-Cop-Action/Drama:
INT. BATHROOM - MORNING
A small, bland hotel bathroom. Officer JEFF MCCREARY stands
facing the faucet in the small shower/bath combo with his
eyes closed. He lets water run over his body. He is tall and
in his 40s, with five o’clock shadow and medium length hair.
Jeff leans against the wall using his left arm as a support.
He showers for a few moments. A small noise is heard just
outside the shower. Jeff opens his eyes and looks to his
right. He slowly takes his arm down from the wall and
silently turns to face the shower curtain.
A SWAT OFFICER attempts to grab Jeff through the curtain.
The officer is armed with an M16 assault rifle. Jeff grabs
the officer’s arms and twists him in the curtain, and the
two fall into the bathtub.
Three other SWAT OFFICERs stand in the bathroom, armed with
assault rifles, shotguns, and submachine guns.
Jeff pins the officer down in the bathtub and takes the
officer’s handgun off of his belt. He shoots the officer in
the back of the head and the other officers open fire. Jeff
grabs the M16 and blind fires over the side of the bathtub
at the other officers.
Jeff kills the three officers and stands up. He steps out
of the bathtub. He breathes heavily and realizes that he has
been shot in the arm. Jeff drops the M16 and staggers to the
towel rack.
Jeff retrieves a robe from the rack and begins to put it on.
A SWAT officer with a shotgun bursts through the door and
tackles Jeff.
Jeff and the officer wrestle, and Jeff manages to get his
hand around the grip of the shotgun. Jeff pushes the barrel
of the shotgun under the officer’s chin and pulls the
trigger.
Two other SWAT officers run into the bathroom. Jeff pumps
the shotgun and shoots an officer in the chest. He pumps the
shotgun again and shoots the other officer in the stomach,
wounding him.
The officer falls into the hotel room as Jeff stands up.
