Missing Shipment- Short

[Blanc/Noir]

This is one of my first short scripts so I'm still trying to get the hang of it. It's only 11 pages of reading. It's a sci-fi. In my opinion it feels like a story a bit to big to be compressed into a short but thats just my opinion. Feedbacks and suggestions would be appreciated. I feel like writing possibly a feature length soon so I just wanted to get some good feedback before starting.

http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=...GItNmIxNy00NjMwLTg0YjUtZWJmMTVjODcwOWVj&hl=en

 

[Blanc/Noir]

Fixed the link. Hope that helps.

 

[TheOpusFuller]

Only read the first page so far. Could be cleaned up a lot. You have a lot of repetition in some descriptions.

For instance, Jon and Mary stand next to the transporter.... Then you say Mary is talking into a panel next to the transporter. You don't need to mention she is standing next to the transporter. You already established that...

Know what I'm sayin?

Things can be tightened up. Descriptions can be better. etc.

 

[Blanc/Noir]

I see what you are saying. I wanted to establish where the panel was in location to the transporter, but you are right it does seem repetitive. Thanks.

 

[TheOpusFuller]

no problem. will read the rest and comment if you'd like.

 

[Blanc/Noir]

Sure comments are always helpful whether they be for progress or ego.