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critique Middle Eastern Punk - a script to review and give feedback on

title: Middle Eastern Punk
logline: Tel Aviv small punk scene in the early 80's as seen from the eyes of Yoni a young man who escaped from military service during the first israel-lebanon war.
genre: Drama / coming of age / LGBT+
format: Short Film
pages: 29
what kind of feedback I'm interested in - any welcome - story plot structure characters dialogues grammar scenes - what page did you stop reading and why etc.
am I willing to trade feedback? : yes

Middle Eastern Punk - script

Ronen Blumberg.
 
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First off? Maybe it's the difference in countries but we wouldn't use the phrase, "HIGH SCHOOLYARD" for a master scene location heading. Just give the high school a NAME and use that... More like this:

EXT. ALEXANDER MUSS HIGH SCHOOL - NIGHT

I just looked for a high school name in Israel. Use the name of the high school you're depicting. Use NIGHT (or DAY as the case may be), not evening. You can tell us it's evening in your description if you like.

Which brings me to your description and dialogue... Way OVERWRITTEN. LESS is MORE. This is okay for a first draft but it's going to need to be WHITTLED down a lot before you start showing it around. Your dialogue is very much ON-THE-NOSE. Too much banter. Plus? People don't use the name of their characters when they speak to them. They already KNOW who they are so scratch that.

Let's take just your first three pages... After reading through them? I could easily condense that down to just the following...

EXT. ALEXANDER MUSS HIGH SCHOOL - NIGHT

An ELDERLY WOMAN (62) stands at a podium, under a CLASS
OF 1982 banner.

ELDERLY WOMAN
...Finally, I would like to say
to you, our school graduates,
how proud we are of you. We,
the team of educators and
teachers, are proud of you for
joining the Army and taking an
active part in defending the
homeland in Operation Peace of
the Galilee currently being
conducted...

Camera FLASHES scatter throughout the audience.

Behind the crowd, stand YONI and AVI (both 18). They
share a cigarette.

YONI
We gotta do something.

Avi takes a drag from the cigarette, flicks it to
the ground.

AVI
As much as I agree with you?
We have no choice. Everybody's
being drafted.

Remember... Most of us? Whether we're IN THE BUSINESS or not, understand what we're reading... By the same token? Because we understand what we're reading, we can EASILY fill in the blanks. By that I'm simply talking about being able to conjure up the visual you're trying to depict.

I think it's safe to say we've all either experienced high school graduations or have even seen some video(s) of them. So there's no need to go into super great detail on a visual like that. When it's a visual we might not be experienced with? Then absolutely, get in there and detail it out so we can create a visual.

Remember... You're TRYING to get US to create an actual MOVIE in our HEADs.

For me personally? As soon as I see a HUGE block of description? I SIGH. I like to see strategically utilized WHITE SPACE so that my reading is fast and NOT slowed down. I would easily recommend doing that OVER hugh blocks of action/description.

I didn't read beyond the first three pages because it's just way too overwritten for my taste. Again, fine for a first draft but writing is rewriting. Get it all down and start whittling away at it like I did above.

GOOD LUCK!

*NOTE: Since this is a short? I didn't get into any real introductions for your characters. I don't see the point except to maybe say that they're both guys (assuming they are). If this were a feature length spec you were writing to actually market somewhere down the line? Then both of these characters DESERVE a much better introduction. An intro that gives us a glimpse of their personalities, and character.
 
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