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Making reader care

dlevanchuk

dlevanchuk

How the hell do you make the reader feel something for the character in under 7 page long screenplay? I want the reader to feel nervousness of main character, who is meeting his future father-in-law for t he first time.
I wrote down characters descriptions, dig down into the story, wrote a self reflection essay on the film... and still it reads as a dry youtube crap...


Any suggestions on how to make audience bite their nail while they watch the movie?? :(
 
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With only seven pages, you're going to have to make the viewer identify with your character immediately, and that's not the easiest thing to do. Your character is going to have to do or say a single thing to accomplish this, and I have no idea how.

In Ratatouille, Remy does this for me in a single line:

"I know I'm supposed to hate humans, but there's something about them... they don't just survive, they discover, they create!"​
 
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Ok, so it sounds like from first 5-10 seconds we IMMEDIATELY must like the character, either through admiring his goodness OR have a sympathy by placing the character is very familiar typical "oh ve been there, and it sucks" situation..

Am i on the right track here ? :) just writing thoughts down..
 
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My $0.02

He could do something relatable that allows the audience see & feel his anxiety before the meeting takes place. It should be something that the audience might also do when they themselves are nervous.

EXAMPLE:

He's sitting in the father's living room, waiting for the Father to come downstairs. He's waits alone except for the family dog. So, he conducts a bit of a "practice conversation" with the dog. As he speaks to the dog, he can tell the audience what he wants, and why he's nervous about meeting his future in-law. You could end with something that he'd never dare say to the old man. Unfortunately, the Father comes in at the wrong moment and hears the last few words; so the conversation stiffens up, and becomes stilted agony.

KID
... so I'd like her hand in marriage, and would be proud to be part of your Family, even if everyone says your an cheap, miserable #$#@* son-of-a-bI7@h.


My example may be off-base but I hope the theory behind it helps.


Rok
 
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dlevanchuk said:
Ok, so it sounds like from first 5-10 seconds we IMMEDIATELY must like the character, either through admiring his goodness OR have a sympathy by placing the character is very familiar typical "oh ve been there, and it sucks" situation..

Am i on the right track here ? :) just writing thoughts down..
Click to expand...
Bingo.
You're right on it.

For shorts you gotta stick to characterizations that people can readily identify because they've already "met" this person and can assume a lotta background information you don't have time for in a short to cultivate.

Start here.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stock_character
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archetype

http://www.peninsula.wednet.edu/classroom/robisonp/unit 4 Trad Archetype list.htm
http://www.listology.com/list/character-archetypes
http://www.deathquaker.org/gaming/archetypes.html
 
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Ok sweet, thank you for the links, i'll take a look at them right now!

Here is the opening page of the screenplay.. does it have the punch of nervousness for the reader?

Ext. FOREST -- fishing dock -- day

A sunny day in a forest camping ground by a small lake with a narrow fishing dock.

ROBERT (late 20s), a young business man, sits at the end of the dock. A fishing pole lays flat on the ground in front of him, as his eyes are narrowed and focused on a heavy knot in the fishing line. His slippery fingers quickly try to untangle it.

He wipes the sweat off his forehead.

ROBERT

This is so stupid..

(mocking)

Oh yea, we should invite him fishing, what a great idea..idiot!


LEANNE (O.S.)

Hey, Robert?

Robert quickly turns around, and forces an uneasy smile as he stands up.

LEANNE (high 20s), a university graduate, and DON (50s) approach Robert.

LEANNE

This is my dad. Dad, this is Robert.

Don puts down a large fishing accessory kit, but still holds on to his top-of-the-line fishing pole. His eyes are locked up on Robert as they shake hands.

Robert

Nice to meet you, sir.

Don gives a nod with a tight smile, and begins to unveil the fishing line.

BEAT

Leanne

Well.. I'll go grab some drinks and be right back!

Robert gives a pleading look of despair to Leanne, but she signals back at him to start conversation with Don and leaves.
[/QUOTE
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
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Ever seen the Mean Joe Green Coke commercial? We feel for that kid
in 10 seconds.

Ever hear the Hitchcock bomb under the table story? You show two
people sitting at a table talking - then you show a bomb and hear the
ticking. As they talk you are biting your nails. Takes 30 seconds. What
if you take another 30 seconds to tell the audience that one of the
characters also knows the bomb is there but can’t revel it? 60 maybe
90 seconds and the audience is in deep suspense.

You know better than me what you want the audience to feel about
this character. Can show it to the audience quickly or do you need an
essay? If you need a self reflection essay in order to generate some
empathy for the character maybe that isn’t the story you should be
telling in seven pages.
 
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No.
The script doesn't communicate that.

Robert could be an amiable businessman and deliver those lines. (How would Matthew McConaughey do it?)
Or a ninny businessman. (How would Johnny Depp or Jack Black do it?)
Or a surly bastard businessman. (How would Christian Bale or Chris Rock do it?)
Or a humorous businessman. (How would Robin Williams do it?)

However, you're going to be directing it, so you can tell that to the actor who will have to emote it for the camera.

A well thought out score will provide some assist, as well.
 
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dlevanchuk said:
Ok sweet, thank you for the links, i'll take a look at them right now!
Here is the opening page of the screenplay.. does it have the punch of nervousness for the reader?
Click to expand...

You need to show the audience why this guy is terrified. You do this by giving some evidence. Right now you just tell us about the feeling without giving reason.
You wrote:
Code: 
Ext. FOREST -- fishing dock -- day

A sunny day in a forest camping ground by a small lake with a narrow 
fishing dock.

ROBERT (late 20s), a young business man, sits at the end of the dock. 
A fishing pole lays flat on the ground in front of him, as his eyes are 
narrowed and focused on a heavy knot in the fishing line. His slippery 
fingers quickly try to untangle it.

He wipes the sweat off his forehead.

                                    ROBERT
           This is so stupid..
                   (mocking)
           Oh yea, we should invite him fishing, what a 
           great idea..idiot!

                                    LEANNE (O.S.)
           Hey, Robert?

Robert quickly turns around, and forces an uneasy smile as he 
stands up.

LEANNE (high 20s), a university graduate, and DON (50s) 
approach Robert.
...

Develop it with a bit more self-talk. WHY was it a bad idea? Don't be afraid to move elements around and make the characters interact. People don't just talk to each other.

Code: 
Ext. FOREST -- fishing dock -- day

A sunny day in a forest camping ground by a small lake with a narrow 
fishing dock. LEANNE (high 20s), a university graduate, sits beside
ROBERT (late 20s), a young business man, at the end of the dock. 

A fishing pole lays flat on the ground in front of him.  His eyes narrow 
and focus on a heavy knot in the fishing line. His slippery fingers labor
desperately to untangle it.

                                    ROBERT
                   (mocking)
           Oh yeah, we should invite him fishing, what a 
           great idea!   Might as well invite Tiger Woods to 
           play miniature golf.  Hemingway to fish out of a
           barrel.

                                     LEANNE
           He's a very passionate outdoorsman.  You'll
           impress him.  - He shot the last three by now.

He wipes the sweat off his forehead and glances at her.  She
giggles.

There's the sound of a car rumbling up the gravel path past the
bushes.  

She squeezes him, stands and kisses  the top of his head.  She 
jogs down the dock.

                                    ROBERT
           Hello, Mr. Darrow.  (shakes head) It's a pleasure to meet
           you Sir.  (sighs)  Shoot me now!

                                    LEANNE (O.S.)
           Hey, Robert?

Robert quickly turns around, and forces an uneasy smile as he 
stands up.

Leanne with a wide smile approaches Robert.  Her arms wrapped 
around her father's arm.   

DON (50s)  walks with a slight lumbering swagger.  He's smiling 
at his daughter then turns a glowering, melting stare at Robert.
...

There is the EXPLICIT DIALOGUE what is said and the IMPLICIT DIALOGUE which is what the actor and director bring out. She doesn't have to say "I'm kidding!". That's implicit in her actions and will be developed by the actor. Both must work together to convey the idea. Think "Meet the Parents" with Ben Stiller.
 
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d- Try it with action:

<Sunny day, etc.>

Robert, 20's, sits on the end of the dock dressed in a business suit, working a fishing line and pole. He darts back-and-forth looks to the woods behind him.

His fingers try to quickly thread a fishing hook. His fingers fumble the line.

LEANNE (O.S.)
Hey, Robert?

On hearing this he drives the fishing hook right into his thumb. He stands quickly to turn and smile, almost kicks the pole into the water. With a forced smile gingerly slides his hand into one pants pocket.
<etc.>

--Maybe now there's his nervousness and audience empathy fairly quickly? And a situation better than simply "fishing?" I like the image of a guy in a business suit fishing.

Good luck! --I bang my head on the desk all the time...
 
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