Would appreciate it if people could read over my rough draft and give me constructive criticism. 
http://www.scribd.com/doc/91903449/Screenplay
http://www.scribd.com/doc/91903449/Screenplay
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Magical Realism-Romance Screenplay
- Thread starter Atras
- Start date
I think the story is cute. The characters need more development as they are rather flat and predictable. It is so easy to just use stereotypes but to really become a good writer, you need to break that habit. I am SO tired of the AWCD--"Abusive, working class dad" and the ETK--"Emo(tional) Talented Kid". Yes, they exist but give some depth as to why they are that way and why we, as an audience, should care about them. After reading multiple scripts, this same idea comes up again and again. Don't misunderstand me. It's okay to rehash a well worn theme, just give depth to the characters and story.
If you're filming this yourself, it's fine. If you were sending this out, there are some flaws in how you write descriptions. A script shouldn't give too much 'direction' to the director or actor. As the 'talent', they will give the script their own interpretations.
Okay, each of these lines has a technical problem. The script is a written version of what the audience is seeing, so you don't use references like "We see/hear/etc. ... ". That's a given. As a writer, you need to be more suggestive. In line two, "They're dark in nature." For the art director, does "dark" mean color tone or theme? Here you need be more clear. In line three (and throughout) you use the 'present progressive' ("is sitting", "is painting", "is/are X-ing"). It is better to use strong, active present tense ("sits", "paints", "X-s"). In line four, "wherever we decide"? Decide! Unless you are co-writing, put in a description. That DOESN'T MEAN the director will follow it if they make your script into a movie. Understand that line immediately rips that reader from the magic of your story. In line five, you say "He looks at it in a sad way...". While this can be helpful, be VERY CAREFUL when you put in emotions because these can't be seen by the audience. So below is how this might appear:
There is this "rule" that you shouldn't use adverbs (words ending in "-ly" and a few others). It is important to understand that MOST writer OVERuse adverbs. They often get shunted to acting descriptions in dialogue (parentheticals also known as "wrylies"). Avoid them when possible, because they often don't give much information. By the same token, used judiciously, they save words.
Beware of ludicrous punctuation, it adds nothing to your script: "How did you get in my room!!?!??!?!"
Don't direct the actors from inside the script! You're the writer at this point, not the director.
You'll find out that Actors AND Directors hate being told by writers how to interpret the script. If and when you direct your own script, you can pull out the performance you desire. Let the line indicate the response. In this case, the stuttered "H...how..." conveys the confusion fine.
Okay here's a clip that highlights the points I just mentioned:
Too many adverbs. Too much direction. NO CAMERA ADVICE! You immediately rip the reader out of your tender scene. Major botch-up.
Use visual oriented description. TRUST the director and actors to realize the scene.
"His dad then comes in the room, he is holding a bottle of some hard alcoholic drink, obviously drunk.
... 'Look at me when I speak to you!' He hits his face hard."
Really? The father (all the characters really) come across as cardboard. It feels like you stuck the AWCD in just to further the story. Stepping back, he could just as easily have been omitted. Matt discovers the magic chalk while cleaning. He has friends over and sees the slide. In this case, the addition of the father is superfluous. Trust me, he's not a dramatic element but a flat distraction. As a director, I'd cut the character and save myself the expense of another actor. Being a screenwriter, you need to be 'ruthless'. If a character appears in your script, they need to be ESSENTIAL. Granted, this is a hard lesson to learn, but it is often true. Especially once you start into production, you realize keep a tight cast and limited scenes.
Overall, the story itself is good though there are problems with the characters. The format (all the nitpicky points) needs work. The structure (the pacing and conflicts) is pretty good. I think you did a good job on the script.
If you're filming this yourself, it's fine. If you were sending this out, there are some flaws in how you write descriptions. A script shouldn't give too much 'direction' to the director or actor. As the 'talent', they will give the script their own interpretations.
Code:
We see a painting of the moon.
Goes to shots of different paintings around the room. (They are dark in nature)
MATT is sitting at his desk paint something.
We see that it is a painting of him sitting alone (wherever we decide).
He looks at it in a sad way, as if something is missing.Okay, each of these lines has a technical problem. The script is a written version of what the audience is seeing, so you don't use references like "We see/hear/etc. ... ". That's a given. As a writer, you need to be more suggestive. In line two, "They're dark in nature." For the art director, does "dark" mean color tone or theme? Here you need be more clear. In line three (and throughout) you use the 'present progressive' ("is sitting", "is painting", "is/are X-ing"). It is better to use strong, active present tense ("sits", "paints", "X-s"). In line four, "wherever we decide"? Decide! Unless you are co-writing, put in a description. That DOESN'T MEAN the director will follow it if they make your script into a movie. Understand that line immediately rips that reader from the magic of your story. In line five, you say "He looks at it in a sad way...". While this can be helpful, be VERY CAREFUL when you put in emotions because these can't be seen by the audience. So below is how this might appear:
Code:
On the wall is a painting of the moon partly obscured.
Different somber and dark toned paintings fill the walls around the room.
MATT sits at his desk and paints. His slow brush strokes become agitated.
The painting shows him sitting alone on a beach as the sun sets.
He pauses and studies it sadly. His brush hovers over it, his hand eager
yet hesitant to add something new.There is this "rule" that you shouldn't use adverbs (words ending in "-ly" and a few others). It is important to understand that MOST writer OVERuse adverbs. They often get shunted to acting descriptions in dialogue (parentheticals also known as "wrylies"). Avoid them when possible, because they often don't give much information. By the same token, used judiciously, they save words.
Beware of ludicrous punctuation, it adds nothing to your script: "How did you get in my room!!?!??!?!"
Don't direct the actors from inside the script! You're the writer at this point, not the director.
Code:
DAWN
(looking confused)
H..how did you even get here? Who are you?Okay here's a clip that highlights the points I just mentioned:
Code:
He slowly looks back up at her.
Slowly lean closer, and then they kiss, for like 5 ish seconds.
Camera pans around them as they kiss, like it does in this video
[B][I]:47 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9okTnIhddE [/I][/B] Except they
kiss more romantically, not so passionately as the video.
After about 5 seconds, they slowly pull apart.Too many adverbs. Too much direction. NO CAMERA ADVICE! You immediately rip the reader out of your tender scene. Major botch-up.
Use visual oriented description. TRUST the director and actors to realize the scene.
Code:
Matt's eyes move up from the floor to settle on her face.
A beat.
He leans in with hesitant expectancy. Their lips meet and hold for
what feels like forever.
There is a slight breath of exhiliration as they separate."His dad then comes in the room, he is holding a bottle of some hard alcoholic drink, obviously drunk.
... 'Look at me when I speak to you!' He hits his face hard."
Really? The father (all the characters really) come across as cardboard. It feels like you stuck the AWCD in just to further the story. Stepping back, he could just as easily have been omitted. Matt discovers the magic chalk while cleaning. He has friends over and sees the slide. In this case, the addition of the father is superfluous. Trust me, he's not a dramatic element but a flat distraction. As a director, I'd cut the character and save myself the expense of another actor. Being a screenwriter, you need to be 'ruthless'. If a character appears in your script, they need to be ESSENTIAL. Granted, this is a hard lesson to learn, but it is often true. Especially once you start into production, you realize keep a tight cast and limited scenes.
Overall, the story itself is good though there are problems with the characters. The format (all the nitpicky points) needs work. The structure (the pacing and conflicts) is pretty good. I think you did a good job on the script.
Thanks for your criticism. I appreciate it. I do realize that the script format is a little messy, I am directing this film and am playing the role of Matt, which is why it was that way. This is a student project that I was given a very short amount of time for, so I haven't been able to put as much thought into the characters as I would like. I completely agree with you on your comments about the dad lacking depth. However, I do not agree that I could easily take him out. The film is about Matt coping with conflict and learning to become happy, and that conflict has to be created by someone close to him. But I would like to add more depth to the dad. What are your suggestions on ways to add more depth to the father, and to all the characters for that matter?
I can appreciate student projects require quick turnaround. And as a rough draft, I think it's good. And since you're filming it, you have a bit more flexibility.
Character development is a whole study in itself. But keeping it basic, you need to: (1) make the character interesting to hold attention and (2) show a change from the beginning to the end. As simple as those sound, they can be tricky.
1. Matt feels stymied, smothered, unsure. So by the end, he needs to feel open to possibilities, self-directed. That needs to come out in the script.
2. Dawn is rather free-spirited, so you need to give her some change. In that period where the chalk is broken, maybe just a short clip of her sad and disappointed. We never see them meet up at the end, so it is implied that it's a happily ever after.
3. If you are intent on having the father, he needs to be essential--yelling, hitting, breaking, etc. DOESN'T qualify. Maybe show the father's disappointment initially. He comes in when the jar shatters. Dad complains, asks about Matt's getting a job, and complains about him being lazy. Second contact, the dad finds out it's about a girl and he has a brief man-to-man. Matt's magic chalk is gone, so Matt's resigned himself to 'real life' and gotten a job. His father proudly shares that with the visitors showing slides. Matt doesn't react immediately until he sees the slide of the space. Matt heads to the door and his dad tosses him the keys.
The father can still be abrasive but the viewer gets a sense that he does care about Matt. While we don't have to like him, he needs to be essential. As you presented him, why would Matt stay there? Why would that father not just kick out Matt whom he clearly sees as worthless? That's the balance you need to bring to the father's character--disappointment but concern.
Good luck
Character development is a whole study in itself. But keeping it basic, you need to: (1) make the character interesting to hold attention and (2) show a change from the beginning to the end. As simple as those sound, they can be tricky.
1. Matt feels stymied, smothered, unsure. So by the end, he needs to feel open to possibilities, self-directed. That needs to come out in the script.
2. Dawn is rather free-spirited, so you need to give her some change. In that period where the chalk is broken, maybe just a short clip of her sad and disappointed. We never see them meet up at the end, so it is implied that it's a happily ever after.
3. If you are intent on having the father, he needs to be essential--yelling, hitting, breaking, etc. DOESN'T qualify. Maybe show the father's disappointment initially. He comes in when the jar shatters. Dad complains, asks about Matt's getting a job, and complains about him being lazy. Second contact, the dad finds out it's about a girl and he has a brief man-to-man. Matt's magic chalk is gone, so Matt's resigned himself to 'real life' and gotten a job. His father proudly shares that with the visitors showing slides. Matt doesn't react immediately until he sees the slide of the space. Matt heads to the door and his dad tosses him the keys.
The father can still be abrasive but the viewer gets a sense that he does care about Matt. While we don't have to like him, he needs to be essential. As you presented him, why would Matt stay there? Why would that father not just kick out Matt whom he clearly sees as worthless? That's the balance you need to bring to the father's character--disappointment but concern.
Good luck
SFS is totally on the money here! Think of screenplay format as a stop sign to allow traffic to flow correctly and avoid crashes. Even if you are directing the material yourself you need to have correct format if you want the other professionals involved to respect the work. It doesn't help to look like you don't know what you are doing. A "we see" as the opening line is like a car crash. However, no worries, these things are easy to fix. Just grab any book on screenplay format and study closely. You'll get it down in no time. best of luck!