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Looking for feedback on my screenplay. Tips/advice?

W

Wesmith829

These are the first 2 pages of my screenplay. This is my first screenplay ive began writing and im in need of someone elses opinion other than my own. Thanks in advance.

INT. OFFICE ROOM - AFTERNOON

Identical rows of cubicles occupy a dull office space.
Frustrating and calm conversations joined by the bustling of
papers and stroking of keyboards adds some life to the
environment.

DAVE, mid-twenties, sitting at his desk is having a hard
time convincing a debtor why they should set up a payment
plan.

DAVE
Mrs. Wilcox I understand but you-

Interrupted by the debtors contesting voice

DAVE
But Ms. Wilcox is doesn't have to
be-

Interrupted once more by the debtor, Dave realizes the convo
is heading nowhere fast.

DAVE
(defeated)
OK Ms. Wilcox you can choose not to
pay your balance but the amount
due-

She hangs up.

DAVE
(Yelling)
-is $230.75!!

Dave quickly pulls of his headset and tosses it on the desk.
LANCE, Dave's laid back workplace buddy enters Dave's
cubicle with a faint grin.

LANCE
(sarcastically)
'Ya know Dave you're always so
cordial with the stubborn ones.

DAVE ignores LANCE and begins to organize papers on his
desk. DAVE, his frustration still evident in the way he
shuffles the papers, clumsily drops the stack of papers to
the floor.

DAVE
Shit!

DAVE kneels down and grabs the loose papers grouping them
into a messy stack of papers, dumps them on the desk and
exits the cubicle.

DAVE's temper is something his co-workers are all to
familiar with judging by the looks he's getting as he walks
down an isle leading to the exit. LANCE follows.

DAVE
Hey Rick I'm on break, see you in a
hour.

RICK
(shouting)
30 minutes Dave, I need you back in
30 minutes we're having-

DAVE is already out of the office, the doors closing behind
him.

RICK
(O.S.)
-an audit at 2!

DAVE keeps strolling down the hallway towards the elevator
with LANCE lagging behind in an effort to keep up.

LANCE
Ya' know Dave you've been working
for, what is it? 4 months without a
day off. A mini vacay' wouldn't be
a bad idea.

DAVE proceeds to press the the elevator button as if he
didn't hear LANCE.

LANCE
Whaddyasay' we use some of that PTO
and spend a few days down at the
beach. Get your mind off this
place.
 
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Wesmith829 said:
These are the first 2 pages of my screenplay. This is my first screenplay ive began writing and im in need of someone elses opinion other than my own. Thanks in advance.
Click to expand...
The descriptions and actions need to be mostly active voice not progressive. You should only include what the audience can see. Don't keep capitalizing the name. Just the first appearance before s/he speaks. Be sparing with parentheticals (aka 'wrylies'). It's okay to make clear a line's delivery but in most cases it's obvious and left to the actor & director. What does "laid back workplace buddy" look like? You just drop in Rick with little explanation. Add a couple lines to help the reader/viewer. Be careful of spelling (isle=island, aisle=corridor) and punctuation. When he went into the hallway, the scene changed. You need a new slugline. And remember, we're not hearing Ms. Wilcox so Dave is our vehicle. The director may add in sound fx. It's also best to write out simple numbers. There are some good books on screenwriting format. There are also some online that can be useful. They address some of these basic issues.

It's starting off like a comedy. It will be interesting to see where it goes. Keep in mind you're writing what we see and hear in real time, not what's going on in the character's heads. It looks promising. Cheers.
Code: 
INT. OFFICE ROOM - AFTERNOON

    Identical rows of cubicles occupy a dull office space. 
    Frustrating and calm conversations joined by the bustling of 
    papers and stroking of keyboards adds some life to the 
    environment.

    DAVE, mid-twenties, sits at his desk and scowls, tapping his
    pen as he talks into his headset.  ([COLOR="Blue"]=having a hard time[/COLOR])

                            DAVE
                    Mrs. Wilcox, I understand but you-

    Eyes squint as he pulls back the headset to voice yammering.
    Sighing, he once again tries to reason.

                            DAVE
                    But Ms. Wilcox, [COLOR="Red"]it[/COLOR] doesn't have to be- 

    Dave's eyes roll upward and he drops the pen. ([COLOR="blue"]=realizes the 
    conversation is heading nowhere fast[/COLOR])

                            DAVE
            OK, Ms. Wilcox, you can choose not to 
            pay your balance but the amount due-

    A click over the earpiece makes Dave jerk back and squint.  
    Dave quickly pulls off his headset and tosses it on the desk.

                            DAVE
            is $230.75!!
      
    LANCE, Dave's laid back workplace buddy, enters Dave's 
    cubicle with a faint grin as Dave fumes and pounds his desk.

                            LANCE
               [COLOR="Blue"] (sarcastically)[/COLOR]
            Ya know, Dave, you're always so 
            cordial with the stubborn ones.

    Dave ignores Lance and begins to organize papers on his 
    desk.  Dave, grumbles as he slaps papers onto a stack and
    shuffles them.  He turns and

    knocks the stack of papers to the floor.

                            DAVE
                    Shit!

    Dave kneels down, grabs the loose papers and groups 
    them into a messy stack of papers.  He stands, dumps them 
    on the desk and exits the cubicle. 

    Dave's temper is something his co-workers are all [COLOR="DarkRed"]too[/COLOR] 
    familiar with judging by their looks as he storms down an 
    [COLOR="Red"]aisle[/COLOR] to the exit.  Lance follows.

    [COLOR="blue"]Dave pauses at the last cubicle where RICK, his supervisor 
    sits and looks over a report.[/COLOR]

                            DAVE
            Hey Rick, I'm on break.  See you in a 
            hour.

     [COLOR="blue"]Dave continues past as Rick's head pops up over the top
     of the cubicles.[/COLOR]

                            RICK
            30 minutes, Dave!  I need you back in 
            30 minutes we're having-

    [COLOR="blue"]INT. OFFICE HALLWAY - AFTERNOON[/COLOR]

    The doors close behind as 

                            RICK  (O.S.)
                    -an audit at [COLOR="Blue"]two[/COLOR]!

    Dave strolls towards the elevator and Lance lags behind in 
    an effort to keep up.
 
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I'm not interested past the first action line. Describing the surroundings as dull and then creating a run-of-the-mill character doing run-of-the-mill mundane office job stuff is as boring for me to work as it is for me to watch.

First pages need to hook, inspire, excite and intrigue.

This just reminds me I hate my job. Take me somewhere new. Introduce me to someone I won't forget. Have them do things I never would have imagined.

Write what you know, but that doesn't mean you don't flex your creative muscles. This has nothing special written all over it.

- Jow
 
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JowFilms said:
I'm not interested past the first action line. Describing the surroundings as dull and then creating a run-of-the-mill character doing run-of-the-mill mundane office job stuff is as boring for me to work as it is for me to watch.

First pages need to hook, inspire, excite and intrigue.

This just reminds me I hate my job. Take me somewhere new. Introduce me to someone I won't forget. Have them do things I never would have imagined.

Write what you know, but that doesn't mean you don't flex your creative muscles. This has nothing special written all over it.

- Jow
Click to expand...

The question is, how could he rewrite the script in order to get your attention? If the character has a mundane job and is an average joe, how can something dramatic happen? Maybe start the script with a major action/sequence, like a halfway point, and then jump back to the beginning which is the cubicle shots?
 
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thanks alot guys i really appreciate the advice. it seems as a comedy but actually it will be a suspense/thriller about a debt collector being stalked/harrassed by a psychotic debtor
But what exactly do you mean by active voice and not progressive?

Jow - this is what i was waiting for. the environment is dull and mundane because im showing the DAVE's life before the chaos..im showing the problem with his life--boring,nothingness,--however, you made a great point and i look forward to more of your criticism. Thanks.
 
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joey1320 said:
The question is, how could he rewrite the script in order to get your attention? If the character has a mundane job and is an average joe, how can something dramatic happen? Maybe start the script with a major action/sequence, like a halfway point, and then jump back to the beginning which is the cubicle shots?
Click to expand...

This will help:

Keep Descriptions Brief and Tight
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/keep-descriptions-brief-and-tight.php

How to Write Great Action
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-write-great-action.php

Stay in Present Tense and Active Voice
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/stay-in-present-tense-and-active-voice.php

Characters Intros (how to)
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/character-intros.php
 
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IndiePaul said:
This will help:

Keep Descriptions Brief and Tight
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/keep-descriptions-brief-and-tight.php

How to Write Great Action
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-write-great-action.php

Stay in Present Tense and Active Voice
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/stay-in-present-tense-and-active-voice.php

Characters Intros (how to)
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/character-intros.php
Click to expand...


Yes, I have read all the freebies from reelauthors.com and they are truly great. But for the sake of this script/thread, what would you recommend the writer do? If this was his idea for an opening scene, how could he make it better? Start fresh and use a different scene or change this one to a more intriguing piece? I'm a total newbie myself, so I'm also learning from others.
 
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The snippet is only two pages. Personally, I found nothing wrong with it in terms of action. What happens after storming out will be important. Starting off with the mundane and working into the surreal is a common story technique. Jow is stating a personal preference.

I would encourage the OP to continue writing. Just follow the advice given about picky points that readers look at--being visual, keeping in the here-and-now, proper spellling. Starting with an action sequence is not a prerequisite. His angry rampage IS an action sequence if used properly.

The first ten pages is where you need to set up the story. There is nothing magical about ten. That translates to 7-10 minutes of screen time. During that time, people form opinions. For readers, it gives a good sense of the pacing. In that 'introduction', the reader should have some sense of the main characters and what the movie is about.

What makes this read to me as a comedy is his lagging friend. Because debt collectors hide behind so many identity safeguards, he needs to be pushed to the point that he discloses his identity or something that allows him to be tracked. It would also help to have the debtor's voice interplay with Dave's. This would give a more somber tone. Then break that mood by having his friend meet him in the break room or after the meeting.

This notion that you have to have action or blow something up (or someone away) in the first couple minutes is not solid advice. In fact, as a reader, it often suggests to me that the writer is a newb following a formula. Not all films are action films. The start needs to be appropriate to the story. A general guide is that every 3-4 pages you have a minor conflict and every 8-10 pages a major one. If you can't hold someone's attention after ten pages though, there are probably issues in pacing and story.
 
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They're very right, I'm stating a personal preference. This is indeed a common story technique.

Key word there is common.

I'm bored. If I'm a friend or a family member, I'll stick with this because of my relationship to you. If I'm a ticket holder who paid $10.50 to see this, I'll stick with it because I've invested.

If I'm an audience member who's watching for free because you're an independant film maker and looking to engage an audience or get more exposure - I'm tuning out.

Cutting ahead to action and more interesting aspects in a non-linear fashion is also a common practice and one I love, use and approve of. Only because I'm not a marquee name and the first moments to an audience are crucial. There's a reason why Hollywood uses the same actors / directors all the time - the established ability of those artists. As an indie filmmaker you have to establish ability first and foremost, otherwise people won't care. Everyone, including yourself, is very busy in this day and age. Give them a reason to blow off other things and stick with you.

I'm fine with the character having a mundane life and what not - but there's nothing to say you have to drag us through it. A taste is all we need.

Example;

EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - DAY

Dave and a hot surfer dude, his lover JAMAL, sit front row screaming their lungs out as the roller coaster car drops. Their hands in the air, waving as the car jerks making hard, fast terms.

The coaster slows down and approaches the main platform where a bolstering line of people wait to get on next.

DAVE attempts to catch his breath, turns, grabs JAMAL with both hands on his jaw and plants one on him.

DAVE
Oh man. I love you. This is just great. Thank you for talking me out of work today.

JAMAL
My pleasure, my pleasure.

They exit the coaster.

JAMAL
What was today's day?

DAVE
Oh it was--

INT. Office

BOSS
--- TPS Report day boys and girls. Hand them in.

A boss sits at a meeting desk surrounded by lower ranks. Some falling asleep. Others drably staring out the window, wishing to be outside.

He notices an empty seat.

BOSS
Where the hell is Dave?

EXT. Amusement Park - Day

DAVE
Fuck my job! I'm never going back.

He says, as a person in giant Mickey Mouse costume silently nods in agreement, raising their 3 fingered glove for a high five.



-----------------------------------------------------

In less than a page, I've introduced Dave, a little about him (that he's gay, playing hookie, and hates his job), the atmosphere where he works and how terrible it is, What he's doing instead of it and problems that could grow out of all of it.

Is the fact that he's gay going to become an issue? Is his lover a bad influence on him?
Is it really important that Dave's TPS reports be handed in?
Is Dave thinking clearly?

And, yes, it's just me, but I'm a narcissist so I'll go ahead and say that I feel like my blurb was more engaging and interesting.

But like whats been said, it's all just my preference.

- Jow
 
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Wesmith829 said:
thanks alot guys i really appreciate the advice. it seems as a comedy but actually it will be a suspense/thriller about a debt collector being stalked/harrassed by a psychotic debtor
But what exactly do you mean by active voice and not progressive?

Jow - this is what i was waiting for. the environment is dull and mundane because im showing the DAVE's life before the chaos..im showing the problem with his life--boring,nothingness,--however, you made a great point and i look forward to more of your criticism. Thanks.
Click to expand...

Just saw this --

If that's the case - I wouldn't start the script / film on DAVE. Start on the crazy debtor. Introduce them - have them doing crazy stalker stuff.

Crazy is interesting. Interesting is a hook. Hook keeps me watching. The longer I want to watch the more oppertunities you're given as a storyteller to impress me and create a name for yourself, not to mention entertain me. No one wants to watch a movie about life being boring. All of our lives are already boring. We watch movies so we can be entertained and live vicariously through them.

Everyone has had someone who wouldn't leave them alone at some point in their life. Capitilize on the wish full fillment of a guy shopping for a car who can't get the salesman to leave them alone. The kid being followed around by a bully or a reject idiot in school. What goes through YOUR mind as a person, the creator of this, when this stuff happens to you? Now take those ideas and approaches to how you handle the situation and make them interesting.

Even if you don't want to start with the stalker debtor, there's several other starts that are more engaging.

- Jump to the end and show a little of that.
- Flat out start off with the person already being stalked.

etc etc.

- Jow
 
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Wesmith829 said:
These are the first 2 pages of my screenplay. This is my first screenplay ive began writing and im in need of someone elses opinion other than my own. Thanks in advance.
Click to expand...
For a first screenplay, it has a good start. How I or another writer would approach it is less relevant than getting your own story out. I know you asked our advice and tips which are often colored by our own preferences. At this point focus on good format, story and structure. It's okay to be linear, because you're learning. Once you learn the basics ("3 act structure", formatting, writing styles, character development, etc.), it's easier to experiment with alternative ways of storytelling.

JowFilms said:
I'm not interested past the first action line. Describing the surroundings as dull and then creating a run-of-the-mill character doing run-of-the-mill mundane office job stuff is as boring for me to work as it is for me to watch. ... This just reminds me I hate my job.
Click to expand...
JowFilms said:
They're very right, I'm stating a personal preference. This is indeed a common story technique. ... Cutting ahead to action and more interesting aspects in a non-linear fashion is also a common practice and one I love, use and approve of. ... But like whats been said, it's all just my preference.
Click to expand...
Non-linear storytelling is not something one sees in a first screenplay. And when I've had to read new screenwriters who've tried, it often turns out badly. While your story starts with Dave, as Jow suggested there are other possibilities and I respect that. But structurally the story is fine. Each of us would approach this in a different manner. Like Jow, my approach would be to introduce the psycho but that's again a personal preference.

Code: 
INT. PSYCHO'S DWELLING - DAY

The dreary one room bedroom is sparse and gray.  It has a 
cracked porcelain sink hoisted by its bare pipe.  Above it a
mirror.  To the side a metal frame bed.  Along the wall an old
dresser with a heating unit sitting on it.

The door opens.

A tall, thin man wearing a wifebeater, jeans and boots enters.
Long, stringy, oily black hair hangs down the back of his head.
  
The floor boards squeak as his boots leave a heavy echo as he 
walks to the sink.

His hand, "HATE" tattooed on the knuckles, cranks on the cold 
water.

As he rinses his hands, red blood swirls about the drain.

He pulls off his shirt and various prison tattoos cover his back
and arms.

The phone rings.

The hand picks up the phone.

                         VOICE (O.S.)
               (filtered; phone)
           Hello?  Is this Mr. Wilcox?

                         PSYCHO
               (deep, gravelly)
           He can't come to the phone.

He tosses the blood soaked shirt on the floor.

                                                             CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE ROOM - AFTERNOON

    Identical rows of cubicles occupy a dull office space.  There
    frustrating and calm conversations joined by the bustling of 
    papers and stroking of keyboards adds some life to the 
    environment.

    DAVE, mid-twenties, sits at his desk and scowls, tapping his
    pen as he talks into his headset. 

                            DAVE (VOICE)
            I must inform you that this is an attempt 
            to collect a debt.  Would you have Mr. 
            Wilcox ...

    Eyes squint as he pulls back the headset to voice yammering.
    Sighing, he once again tries to reason.

                            DAVE
            He's dead?  Of course he is.  Well I'll need 
            to see the death certificate to forgive the 
            debt. 

    A beat.  Dave's eyes roll upward and he drops the pen.

                            DAVE
            Speak to my manager?  Do you think I have
            nothing better to do than call up deadbeats
            who run up fucking credit card expenses ...

    Dave starts rising in his chair

                            DAVE
             and can't manage to pay their fucking bills!
             No one pays Dave Hartley's bills! You can

    A click over the earpiece makes Dave jerk back and squint.  
    Dave quickly pulls off his headset and tosses it on the desk.

                            DAVE
            Stupid mother...

    Dave looks up to see LANCE (30s), leaning over his cubicle 
    wall with a faint grin as Dave fumes and pounds his desk.

                            LANCE
            Ya know, Dave, you're always so 
            cordial with the stubborn ones.

    Dave ignores Lance and begins to organize papers on his 
    desk.  Dave, grumbles as he slaps papers onto a stack and
    shuffles them.  He turns and

    knocks the stack of papers to the floor.

                            DAVE
                    Shit!
.....
There's not a lot of dialogue. There is a lot of visual innuendo. And for that one moment, Dave makes the slip up of his life. The writer must make many choices--have the psycho speak or not, show him or not. It is important in a spec script not to give camera or shot directions. I have tried to hint that we don't see the psycho's face. I think a reveal at this point would be too soon. Similarly, we don't know if he's Wilcox or if Wilcox is the source of blood. Is he alive or dead? Again, lots of room for play and speculation. What we the readers/viewers/audience know, is that this psycho appears to be dangerous and Dave just gave him his name. The bomb is now under the desk and Dave doesn't know it. This is still a linear story but now the antagonist, protagonist and elements of the story have been introduced in the space of 2-3 pages which would be 2-5 minutes of screen time.

Again, I want to emphasize that there is no right or wrong approach. Yours is fine. It could equally as well have begun like this.
Code: 
INT. OFFICE ROOM - AFTERNOON

    Identical rows of cubicles occupy a dull office space.  There
    frustrating and calm conversations joined by the bustling of 
    papers and stroking of keyboards adds some life to the 
    environment.

    DAVE, mid-twenties, sits at his desk and scowls, tapping his
    pen as he lets the phone ring.  

INT. PSYCHO'S DWELLING - DAY

    The dreary one room bedroom is sparse and gray.  It has a 
    cracked porcelain sink hoisted by its bare pipe.  Above it a
    mirror.  To the side a metal frame bed.  Along the wall an old
    dresser with a heating unit sitting on it.

    A tall, thin man wearing a wifebeater, jeans and boots enters.
    Long, stringy, oily black hair hangs down the back of his head.

    Phone rings
  
    The floor boards squeak and boots echo as he crosses the 
    room.

    The phone continues to ring.

    His bloody hand picks up the phone.

INT. OFFICE ROOM - AFTERNOON

    Dave talks into his headset. 

                         DAVE
           Hello?  Is this Mr. Wilcox?  I must inform 
           you that this is an attempt to collect a 
           debt.  

    Eyes squint as his head rolls back.  Sighing, he once again 
    tries to reason.

                            DAVE
            He's dead?  Of course he is.  Well I'll need 
            to see the death certificate to forgive the 
            debt. 

    A beat.  Dave's eyes roll upward and he drops the pen.

                            DAVE
            Who do you think you are?  Do you think I have
            nothing better to do than call up deadbeats who 
            run up fucking credit card expenses ...

    Dave starts rising in his chair

                            DAVE
             and can't manage to pay their fucking bills!
             No one pays Dave Hartley's bills! You can

    A click over the earpiece makes Dave jerk back and squint.  
    Dave quickly pulls off his headset and tosses it on the desk.

                            DAVE
            Stupid mother...

    Dave looks up to see LANCE (30s), leaning over his cubicle 
    wall with a faint grin as Dave fumes and pounds his desk.

                            LANCE
            Ya know, Dave, you're always so 
            cordial with the stubborn ones.

    Dave ignores Lance and begins to organize papers on his 
    desk.  Dave, grumbles as he slaps papers onto a stack and
    shuffles them.  He turns and

    knocks the stack of papers to the floor.

                            DAVE
                    Shit!

INT. PSYCHO'S DWELLING - DAY

    The man walks over to the sink.

    He pulls off his shirt and various prison tattoos cover his back
    and arms.   He tosses the blood soaked shirt on the floor.

    From a wound on his side, he takes some of the blood and
    scrawls on the wall, "DAVE HARTLEY".

    His hand, "HATE" tattooed on the knuckles, cranks on the cold 
    water.

    As he rinses his hands, red blood swirls about the drain.
.....
Different approaches give different feels and dynamics to the movie. Even though the second makes more use of intercuts, it is still a linear story. Linear isn't bad. In both cases, we know that Dave is about to have a very bad day. If Mrs. Wilcox is your psycho, you simply need to highlight that. But make sure you write your story first! It will make it easier to transform into a script.
 
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You have received a lot of great comments from others here.

I'll give you a few additional pointers.

The initial telephone call needs to be handled in the correct format - a simple one-off (into phone) will do, eg:

DAVE
(into phone)
Mrs. Wilcox I understand but you-
Click to expand...

Also you only cap character names within action paragraphs when they are first introduced.

So:

DAVE, mid-twenties, sitting at his desk is having a hard
time convincing a debtor why they should set up a payment
plan.
Click to expand...
... is correct but

DAVE ignores LANCE and begins to organize papers on his
desk.
Click to expand...

...Should be:

Dave ignores Lance and begins to organize papers on his
desk.
Click to expand...

This is passive voice writing which should be avoided. It's also unnecessary detail.

DAVE's temper is something his co-workers are all to
familiar with judging by the looks he's getting as he walks
down an isle leading to the exit. LANCE follows.
Click to expand...

The above was all covered in my Reel Author links (included in my first post) apart from the phone formatting, which you can find here:

http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/watch-your-formatting.php

I try to write so the pages really grab you and pull the reader in. The OPs original pages don't as yet. A good first attempt though. The advice from others will help a lot too.
 
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