critique Looking for feedback on a short film (thriller/drama) i wrote

[CJSaysThings]

Find_Me_In_Fear_-_Second_Draft.pdf

drive.google.com

If anyone can give me any tips on it that would be appreciated! I'm producing and directing it as well, if that matters.

 

[Ollie]

There are a lot of flashbacks, and in general flipping back and forth can be a little disorienting, given that the main focus is on the hero's journey in present time the flashbacks shouldn't have equal screentime. Since you are also directing you have the power to control that a bit more.
My screenwriting professors have urged me and my classmates to strive for a white page. A few pages read a bit like a novel, but again since you're directing you can easily transpose the message you were after. Doing great so far!!

 

[StoneJack]

1. As said, there are way too many flashbacks for first like 3 or 4 pages. On the second flashback I already felt lost.
2. The scenes have too many words, like in a novel. It is not cinematic description at all, doesn't read like a script. Repetitive description of blue eyes (how many times we have to read the woman has blue eyes?) is just one example. What is about the upper cases appearing without any special meaning (like FERRY - ferry, so what?)
3. Seems like a ghost story but already lost in flashbacks, could not even finish third page.
4. Generally, I don't get the story at all, doesn't seem emotional and very forced.