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logline Logline - Is it: Good? Okay? Bad? Terrible?

H

Heaen

Hey all, this is my first post, and I hope you will be gentle :)

This is my first logline attempt, so here it goes:

"In a paranoid science fiction world dominated by government controlled surveillance, a son of a declared late terrorist is contacted by a self declared freedom group, who makes him questioning the truth about his father, the world he lives in and even his reason to exist."

Do you all feel thrilled about this logline when you read it :D?

Btw. I am not from a english speaking country, so there might be many spelling and gramma mistakes.

Hope you will your opnion.
 
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What is the conflict?
Why do I care about a man questioning his reason to exist?
Dont mention that its a science fiction world, that will be obvious.

In a declining world, governed by surveillance, a man, confronted with the truth about his terrorist roots, must chose to remain a slave, or take up the mantle of his fathers revolution.
 
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Yup, that basically fixed it.* ^^^^ Nice one Wheat. I was trying to think of a way to say that without starting with "In a _________ world," but I'm not so good with the words these days, and despite being the most common phrase in movie marketing - it still works. :lol:















* Well, except for the comma splicing, pretty sure that sentence doesn't need any commas at all. ;) Just a bit of help for the OP in case he wants to lift it.
 
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Seems to sum up the original sentence succinctly. Commas are funny things, I misuse them all the time. ;)

Seemed like a good thing for the OP to know though in case he wanted to use it.
 
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Yea the original logline was sort of hard to read. Wheatgrinder fixed it up nicely.

With loglines you wanna keep it absolutely as short as possible. Don't go over 20 words or you're adding more than you need to. OR, if you can't fit it into 20 words, your conflict probably isn't clear in the story itself.
 
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well, I think were all inferring some story...

"remain a slave, or take up the mantle of his fathers revolution". is pure fantasy until the OP clears up what the conflict is... though I do admit its a good guess ;)

Could spin a new log line out of the same empty story space...

In a declining world governed by surveillance a man battles against the rising tide of a bloody revolution to prove his fathers innocence and uncover the lies that left his father dead.

meh (I hope Im way off, cause I really like both those story ideas :) )
 
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Heaen said:
Hey all, this is my first post, and I hope you will be gentle :)

This is my first logline attempt, so here it goes:

"In a paranoid science fiction world dominated by government controlled surveillance, a son of a declared late terrorist is contacted by a self declared freedom group, who makes him questioning the truth about his father, the world he lives in and even his reason to exist."

Do you all feel thrilled about this logline when you read it :D?

Btw. I am not from a english speaking country, so there might be many spelling and gramma mistakes.

Hope you will your opnion.
Click to expand...
To my knowledge a logline should be in one line
son of a late terrorist is questioned of his existence ,by a freedom group in a government controlled
sceintific fictional world.
padma
 
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"In a paranoid science fiction world dominated by government controlled surveillance, a son of a declared late terrorist is contacted by a self declared freedom group, who makes him questioning the truth about his father, the world he lives in and even his reason to exist."

In a declining world, governed by surveillance, a man, confronted with the truth about his terrorist roots, must chose to remain a slave, or take up the mantle of his fathers revolution.

Awesome rewrite..

Maybe even more active grammar would read something like this...

A group of cyber-rebels forces a man to choose between remaining a slave to oppresion or fighting back as his father did.
 
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Hey all.

Thank you so much for answering. It was some great rewrites you guys made, and it was close to the real story. So inspirred of your guys advice, I have made some new ones:

In a corrupt declined future, a young man struggling with the fact that his father was a declared terrorist, is confronted by his old “terrorist group”. Together they must reveal his father’s last mysterious project, which is an increasingly difficult task as the threat of being discovered by the government increases as conflicts within the group grows.

In a corrupt declined future, a young man, confronted by his late father’s old “terrorist group”, must choose whether he will remain a slave of the society induced fear or try to reveal his father’s last mysterious project. An increasingly difficult task as the threat of being discovered by the government increases as conflicts within the group grows.

In a corrupt declined future, a young man struggling with the guilt from his terrorist declared father, is confronted by his old “terrorist group”, and must choose whether or not he dare believe their groundbreaking tales, and help them reveal his father’s last mysterious project.

--

I think they are much better than my first one, but I can't choose between them. What do you guys think about them?

Btw. I read somewhere that a logline was allowed to be 3 sentence at the most, so isn't I covered here :D?

Thank you :)
 
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try not to use the same word more than once.. you use father, and terrorist multiple times..

"Struggling with a fact" is too INTERNAL... that's for the deep story to reveal, in a log line we want to be smacked in the face with an EXTERNAL visible conflict..

Give us the BIG conflict, ... his struggle is how he got to the big VISIBLE conflict..
 
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All of these loglines are wwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy too long. Try to keep them one line long (They are called logLINEs for a reason.

Also you use adjectives in odd ways...
people or societies can be corrupt or declined NOT futures.
What is a DECLARED terrorist? Do you mean a notorious or well-known terrorist?
How is fear society-induced (comma necessary)?
Technology or music may be 'groundbreaking' but not tales.

You call the group a terrorist group, but you seem to be alluding that their cause is just (because you describe the government as a threat.) In that case, the government may call them terrorists, but they would describe themselves as 'freedom fighters' or 'rebels.'

Finally, the hero's choice of whether or not to join his father's old group is not the movie, it is the beginning of the movie. I'm guessing he decides to join them and eventually becomes a leader and they defeat the evil oppressive government. THAT's the movie - the battle against oppression. The hero's internal struggle is ONE SCENE and his coming to terms with his father's past is the payoff and resolves character arc.

A man living in a futuristic dystopia reluctantly picks up his father's torch and fights with rebels against oppression.
 
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bilinguru said:
All of these loglines are wwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy too long. Try to keep them one line long (They are called logLINEs for a reason.

Also you use adjectives in odd ways...
people or societies can be corrupt or declined NOT futures.
What is a DECLARED terrorist? Do you mean a notorious or well-known terrorist?
How is fear society-induced (comma necessary)?
Technology or music may be 'groundbreaking' but not tales.

You call the group a terrorist group, but you seem to be alluding that their cause is just (because you describe the government as a threat.) In that case, the government may call them terrorists, but they would describe themselves as 'freedom fighters' or 'rebels.'

Finally, the hero's choice of whether or not to join his father's old group is not the movie, it is the beginning of the movie. I'm guessing he decides to join them and eventually becomes a leader and they defeat the evil oppressive government. THAT's the movie - the battle against oppression. The hero's internal struggle is ONE SCENE and his coming to terms with his father's past is the payoff and resolves character arc.

A man living in a futuristic dystopia reluctantly picks up his father's torch and fights with rebels against oppression.
Click to expand...

Thanks for answering. I will try to clear up some misunderstandings:

When I used the adjective corrupt; I meant that the goverment was actually corrupt. I realize that it is not clear at all.

A "declared terrorist" is meant as a "Goverment declared terrorist", which hints that he proably wasn't. He was a freedomfighter. Of cause that depends on what view, but it is to explain that our Hero allways has lived with the guilt that follows when you for instance have a father that has done something terrible, and is struggling with this.

Fear society induced is meant to show that the society/goverment brings a fake kind of fear. I reality there is not much to fear but the goverment itself, but all people in this world are nevertheless frigthen, becuase of the goverments untrue tales of terrorisme and crimes.

Yes you are right, it is the start of the movie. And yes true that is proably the main project, but it is also that he tries to uncover his fathers last secret project, which will change everything he knows. In the meantime he battle against time, as the group is split in two.

Btw. I read somewhere that a logline could be up to 3 sentences. Thats why I saw no problem in
making them long :)
 
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I get what you're saying. I really do. But, you have to get your grammar in line to be taken seriously.

Anyway, let me try to paraphrase what my understanding of your story is.

There's a guy.
His father was a terrorist.
He didn't know his father was a terrorist.
This guy lives in a 'big brother' type society.
A group of terrorists (freedom fighters) enlist him.
He doesn't know what they are talking about, but eventually realizes that his dad was part of it.
He joins them
They fight and defeat the oppressive regime.
In the future.

Is that it?

Forget his inner-turmoil for a minute, is that the action part?

Sounds like a good story.

Logline; Son of a former freedom fighter joins the cause against an oppressive regime.

Brian
 
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