logline Logline Assist Please

[DreamLarge]

Hi Everyone - I'm new here.

This is the logline I have at the moment.

Water Tight (Working Title)
Action Romantic Comedy - PG 13

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

Doomed since adolescence to transform into mermen each night, sweet quiet unassuming Herman Nichols and his younger brother Cutter keep a low profile, always staying near the water as midnight approaches. But when Cutter's extraordinary beauty brings him into the clutches of Marsh, an unscrupuls talent agent, Herman must risk his own life and reveal his families' dark secret to his close friend Tess, in order to save his brother from a fate worse than death.

Heidi White
DreamLarge
2/4/2013

I'm going to try and make above one sentence - here goes....

SECOND LOGLINE:
Sweet and lonely Herman Nichols, human by day, merman by night, risks everything to save his little brother from a fate worth than death, and finds love in the process.

 

[geckopelli]

Hi Everyone - I'm new here.

This is the logline I have at the moment.

Water Tight (Working Title)
Action Romantic Comedy - PG 13

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

Doomed since adolescence to transform into mermen each night, sweet quiet unassuming Herman Nichols and his younger brother Cutter keep a low profile, always staying near the water as midnight approaches. But when Cutter's extraordinary beauty brings him into the clutches of Marsh, an unscrupuls talent agent, Herman must risk his own life and reveal his families' dark secret to his close friend Tess, in order to save his brother from a fate worse than death.

Heidi White
DreamLarge
2/4/2013

I'm going to try and make above one sentence - here goes....

SECOND LOGLINE:
Sweet and lonely Herman Nichols, human by day, merman by night, risks everything to save his little brother from a fate worth than death, and finds love in the process.

Second ones's not too bad, although it seems to say that only one brother is a merman, while the first seems to say both brothers.

We can assume he's a human when he;s not a merman, so drop that.

Also. the name "Herman Nicjhols" means nothing to me. He is simply a teenage boy.

If you must describe him, find a single word instead of "sweet and lonely".

"finds love in the process" sounds like the B story, and should be left out of the Log.

Which leaves:

A _____ Teenage Boy doomed to change into a merman by night, risks everything to save his little brother from a fate worth than death.

Which in turn begs the question "how'd he get doomed (or gifted or cursed,) to turn into a merman?"
Doomed by a Sea Hag? His little sister? Bad luck?

 

[DreamLarge]

Thanks for helping out Geckopelli!

Love your feedback.

I should have kept out the term 'adolescence; from the logline, because in my mind - Herman the main character is in his mid 20s, and his brother several years younger. They didn't always transform into mermen at night - that started after they began puberty.

Both Herman and his brother are merman by night, human by day.

So - using your template, with minor age changes...

A shy young man doomed to change into a merman by night, risks everything to save his little brother from a fate worth than death.

....

I like that it's short and sweet.

I'm thinking now that all this Death and Doom talk takes away from the romantic comedy possiblities. I'm thinking of changing 'fate worth than death,' to 'terrible fate'- and 'Doomed to change', to something that doesn't use the word Doomed (still working on that...)

As for the cause of this unusual affliction, it's genetic. I cover that later in the story.

 

[geckopelli]

Sounds like you got the idea!

Thanks for helping out Geckopelli!

Love your feedback.

I should have kept out the term 'adolescence; from the logline, because in my mind - Herman the main character is in his mid 20s, and his brother several years younger. They didn't always transform into mermen at night - that started after they began puberty.

Both Herman and his brother are merman by night, human by day.

So - using your template, with minor age changes...

A shy young man doomed to change into a merman by night, risks everything to save his little brother from a fate worth than death.

....

I like that it's short and sweet.

I'm thinking now that all this Death and Doom talk takes away from the romantic comedy possiblities. I'm thinking of changing 'fate worth than death,' to 'terrible fate'- and 'Doomed to change', to something that doesn't use the word Doomed (still working on that...)

As for the cause of this unusual affliction, it's genetic. I cover that later in the story.

 

[DreamLarge]

Found this interesting article about writing loglines - and made me think 'fate worth than death' could be perceived as a platitude.
The Trick with Loglines