I decided to just use Word as it is something that I can use both at work and home ... I find Courier to be rather an appalling and ugly font. ... I italicize the items I do as a way for me as it helps keep Action/Description items separate from the notes I write on the pages and is easier for me.
For your own personal script notes, that's fine. When you shop it out, it needs to be clean. The purpose of the 'industry standard' is that it evolved from thousands of hours of production work. When a script is formatted to this standard, one page is roughly one screen minute. This makes it very convenient for budgeting.
Houston Downtown Street ... should be Downtown Houston Street. ... Yes, (the homeless guy) is (on a different street with a) gated alley is right next to Remy’s building.
As for the sluglines, should I actually use street/cross-street names to be more specific as to the area that I am talking about?
The sluglines are important for production. They help to organize and estimate duration of filming at sites, rental costs, etc. Sluglines are specific markers. They are often given short names that are unique. There is nothing wrong with using specific street names. Or you can give a fictional street name. You want names that are distinct.
I thought that this sentence at the beginning ... would be enough ...
Always try to keep your visual and sound elements together. In a spec script, you would not have camera directions. Since this is your production script, you can include them. My suggestion would be to do something like "ZOOM on head (SYNCH with SLOWING HEARTBEAT of dying woman)". As a spec script, you might write "Her facial features and eyes slowly fix as the beating of her heart slows to a halt."
By muscular, I envision ... the audience (sees) ... through Elle’s POV ... a broad chest ... behind her in the compact mirror.... he is more visible through the flickering light
I like this image. I can imagine a lumbering figure backlit. That didn't come across to me in your script description. Your description here though made sense. That's the approach you need in your writing.
The cell phone is a symbol ... in addition to being a a clue as to who the dead girl is in the bayou, who her family/friends are, what happened in the hours before her abduction, rape & murder and eventually leads to the person who committed these atrocities against her.
To have an effective symbol you need to have it link in a memorable way. By just having it appear, the cell phone--despite the messages which mean nothing at this point--loses its magic. It seems unconnected to her or the rest of the story because of how you placed the scene.
The voice over part in the restaurant is a past conversation ... the entire conversation (is) currently about 10-15 pages of dialogue ... only plays out in his dreams ....
Voice overs take a lot of editting work. It is often better use the actual actors present. Now I'm going to give you the bad news, even though it's divided over different segments. 10-15 pages of dialogue in one location is too much. You should have 3 pages at most. Alot of your dialogue was also "Hi. How are ya" kind of chit chat. You need to chop it down. Use action to portray more of the dialogue. Here is an example.
Elle and Remy sit facing each other as the waiter nods and leaves. Between them are two glasses of white wine.
Remy reaches over and takes Elle's hand. He lifts it towards his lips, gazes into her eyes and pauses.
She smiles, waits and then the smile loses its luster. Her eyes wrinkle, puzzled.
He shifts back and kisses her hand.
She withdraws it slowly. Her fingers wrap around the stem of the wine glass and she sips.
CELL PHONE RINGS.
ELLE
Just for tonight. Ignore it.
He smiles but glances down.
CELL PHONE RINGS.
He pulls his chair back. He stands, looks into her face.
REMY
I need to take this. (beat) I won't be long.
He walks to a secluded area of Ibiza. As he talks, she glances over at him. She picks up her wine glass, looks into, and takes a drink.
Etc.
In the example, there were only two lines, but we have a strong sense of the dynamics of their relationship.
Flashbacks and dream sequences work best if you create links to reality. It's a safety line that helps your audience go into the surreal pieces and re-emerge. Towards the end you can let the edges blur. But initially, you need to help them wade into the shallows.
For the most part, ... I need to work on smoothing the transitions between the scenes to make them feel like they actually belong together ... I also need to remember that what I have read multiple times ... is new to others who will not understand what is currently happening.... in order to keep the interest of the readers in the surreal world which I am placing them into.
Adam
You picked up on the key points. Let me say that you have imagined some very visual segments. What is needed is to tie them together in a way that develops the characters more substantially. Using the existing elements, I think you can do that. Here is an example of one re-ordering of your scenes to link the cell phone and characters.
Brunette enters the side street, stumbles and catches herself. Her high heels click as she proceeds into the darker area. A can rattles. She stops and turns, but there is nothing. She turns back panicked and fishes in her purse. Focus on the cell phone on sidewalk on a different street. She starts walking. A tall, massive figure is backlit. As she walks, she hears footsteps behind her. She pulls her purse close to her and pulls out her compact. She uses it to look over her shoulder and sees a man striding toward her. He asks if she needs help. As she turns, he knocks her out and kicks her.
Cell phone rings. A homeless man picks up the cell phone. He examines it and sticks it in his pocket. The brunette is smashed into the pavement and left to die. Shift to Remy's apartment with him asleep. His room is messy with pictures of him and Elle about. He awakens. He walks past the homeless man in the morning. Police car with a siren races past as Remy steps into a taxi. Police canvass the area. The homeless man runs and hides.
Night, Remy enters bar. He glances up at a TV report that shows a crime scene. He throws back a couple drinks. He flashes back to scene with Elle. An attractive woman approaches and greets him. He smiles and they leave. In his apartment, she asks a few questions about the girl in the pictures. He gives a nebulous answer. They have animal sex and fall asleep. He has his restaurant dream. He awakens covered with sweat and sees the naked girl beside him sleeping easily.
Etc.
This should take about 14-20 pages. Your original scenes are in blue. My additions are black. As you can see, your scenes are major points. This arrangement links the cell phone, Elle, Remy, the homeless man and the murdered brunette. In this case the audience isn't wondering IF they are connected but HOW. Since Elle doesn't have many speaking roles at first, most of her introduction and development is by way of pictures, flashback, and short answers by Remy. Remy's character is developed more fully as we see him engaged in everyday activities. The brunette becomes a more terrified character being in the dark without a cellphone, alone and stalked. It gives the characters an opportunity to change over the movie as we learn more about them.
I added a few connecting scenes to create links and transitions. Even though not said explicitly, the brunette is linked to the cell phone. Remy walks past the homeless man, linking him to the phone and the homeless man. Remy is linked more intimately with Elle. All this ties into the murder. So in the "first act" we meet the key characters, link them, and tie them to this murder in a way yet to be learned. Based on later elements of your story, you can draw in other elements to your scenes.
Adam, I think you have the beginnings of a good movie. Often movies take many re-writes. Since you are looking to produce it yourself, a good clean script and story will help save (and make) money. Keep up the good work.
