I thought that five pages of bickering over dating habits was a bit too much. I flipped ahead. We don't see the body until p. 8. Unfortunately, you lost my interest too quickly with all the small talk. By p. 13, you get to the actual crime. That's too long a wait. Sorry, I stopped reading after that point.
Well, since the dream sequence and rape/murder scenes were cut out from my previous draft I was hoping that it would flow a little better and get to the crime faster though I guess I am missing my "hook" for this and am too verbose in certain areas. I guess I can cut down some of the verbiage of the conversation though I guess I just don't see this playing out as long as seven minutes - I picture a quick, tense and utlimately angry conversation.
Have it suggested in the script that she's being watched. Have some of the phone conversation happen as she's getting ready for the shower. Rather than whine, I'd have the conversation jump in with the accusation.
Elle isn't being watched, she just finished with a shower post workout and is getting ready to go out with a friend - which I cut out of the very original dialogue, as I couldn't seem to find a good way of keeping it in, since they are just fighting and breaking up. Then again, the point of this not being known, at least in my mind, is to have the audience wonder what happened to her that night after he corpse is found and then follow along with the police during their investigation and piece together what happened through various "interviews" of her damily, friends, and Remy so the audience can try and determine who killed her.
Also, I was hoping with the whining that it shows Elle's reluctance to break things off with him and give people some sort of sympathy to her plight and show some strong-will for doing it. Everything else that I have written about her is the complete opposite, and she pretty much comes off as a stuck-up, self-centered bitch and I only want people to see this of her as her story continues to unfold.
Is Warren's the same as the UFO Bar? You used 'previous night' to describe both instances.
Warren's is a different bar - he was there the night prior to the break-up phone call; the flashback sequence is from the night of their break-up.
Avoid 'we' in scripts. The 'we' is implied by what you show us through your writing.
I put "we" in after reading the Strange Days script and saw it used during the POV parts that I am wanting, just was under the impression that it is supposed to be used in these isntances. But since it is James Cameron, I guess he can do what he wants.
Do we need the texting on pp. 20 & 21?
The texting, while I'm not necessarily fully committed to the idea, I think that since the majority of people today find this as a suitable, and sometime even preferable, form of communication I have been thinking that it would be a good idea to use this medium. Plus, my thoughts are to have certain characters only use certain forms of communication - i.e. phone calls for some, text messaging/emails for others - that I plan on disclosing their personality types (shy/isolated from world, extroverted and easy to talk to) as well as clue(s) to their truthfulness of their last interaction with Elle.
If I were re-writing this, my inclination would be to lead off strong. Start with Remy's bedroom (p.9) and play it up to p. 10. Jump to your intro's on p. 1. Then get into the meat of the conversation on middle of p.3. On the outside, I'd have Elle being watched from the window as she undresses for the shower while on the phone. Have her hang up after the conversation on p.5 angrily and slip into the shower. Having the prowler slowly move into the house. Move forward to p.10 playing up the sex and getting up. Then jump to p. 7 with the homeless man.
I have been under the impression that starting off in a bedroom is too cliche and is a good way to get someone not read a script, is this incorrect? Also, I just don't see this as a starting point - I am keen on keeping the phone conversation as the beginning point, as this is a story about the aftermath of their break-up.
Also, Remy's flashback of the sex is just something to through off people with - he believes it was Elle, which I want the audience to think as well, though it's not her. Nothing more other than that to show how Remy wasn't too heartbroken over his break up with his girlfriend of the last few years and to give the audience an initial negative vibe about him.
I'm sorry, I don't feel compelled to keep reading. There are several flaws in the presentation that I think need to be resolved. ... You want tension, suspense and action to keep interest. I don't get that at this time.
Thank you for the comments, they are very much appreciated as you have given me plenty to think about and plenty to get my creatifve juices flowing as to how I am seeing the big picture, so to speak. Back to the drawing board again.
Cheers,
Adam
