Jaw/Javelina

[PassionPulp]

I guess I'm doing the Script Frenzy ish.
After about a year of mulling over one premise, I figured it's time to start raising this puppy.
It's going better than I thought it would.

The problem is that I feel what I have now is too short compared to all the substance that I've worked hard on, but that may be a good thing. I think of it being longer on screen that on paper.

Also, I'm debating whether the title should be Jaw(a reference to the Native American act of fashioning a tomahawk out of a horse jaw) or Javelina(a Southwest American-native pig-like creature common in the American deserts).

I'd appreciate the read, plus a criticism on dialogue and character development, which I've been focusing on.
http://crocodoc.com/sKpla4A

Plus which title you prefer. I'd benefit from that.
Danke.

 

[butterbescotch]

I got a glimpse on your script, although I didn't read it through the end. I'm just not up to this kind of script. Fantasy. It's me. Not you.

Anyways, I noticed that you described in detail. It's like I'm reading a novel. Though I don't know if it's good thing or a bad thing.

Regarding to title, may I ask what's the story all about?

 

[PassionPulp]

I wouldn't say it's Fantasy. It's more surrealist.

I do use a lot of detail when writing.
I imagine the product being slow paced, so the detail gives it bulk and is really what is being focused on.
Trust me, it is the edited version. It was once more lengthy.

Neither titles have anything to do with the story. Just wanted to know which appealed to you the most.

I do believe that if you pay attention and take the time to read it, it's not bad and rather innovative.
Otherwise, I don't blame you for skipping it. I really didn't write it in hopes of mainstream success.

But if you could manage to read Scene 6, I would further appreciate it.
I need an opinion on how the dialogue and character development feels.

Danke.

 

[PassionPulp]

It appears to be troubling many, as I can't get a straight review.

 

[butterbescotch]

Right. Surrealist the proper description. I just finished Scene 6 and word of warning don't take any of my comments seriously. I'm not a professional and just read your work as a reader.

First off. The description is really getting in the way. Here is an example: ABBY(male) lays in the bed of a rolling yellow truck, his hands folded on his stomach. His wild black hair jumps forward over his face.

You can just write ABBY(male) lays in the bed of a rolling yellow truck. The additional description doesn't really add any information about Abby and I reckon its negligible.

Why did I say this? I have read several Hollywood scripts and they use basic description. Problem with your script is you're giving directorial instructions on what should the characters do. You're somehow limiting the story. Another example: He then opens the back door of the truck, and reaches in to grab a multicolor Mexican-pattern blanket.

I mean does it have to be Mexican-pattern blanket or even multicolor? I mean blanket all do the same, they keep you warm. If you're using Mexican description to signal that they are Mexican, I think you're better off describing a Mexican landscape or just a sign. It would be more effective.

I know they aren't really that much but if you do that often that's really troublesome. I just realized that what makes the script so bulky.

Of course other than that it's fine. I particularly liked this one: He stands over them for a second, watching them. He then turns and heads back for the truck. As he passes the two tents, something catches his attention and he turns to the tents.

To recap, don't put any word/sentence that does not really provide information or improve the material. Like what Strunk and White have said: A sentence should contain no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts.

Regarding the dialogue, it's okay. Nothing great. Nothing bad either.
Regarding the characters, it's too hard to tell. The only personality I got was that Inny was hotheaded and Abby was a coward.
Regarding the story, it's really confusing. I don't know what's it all about except maybe there is a Medicine Man scaring these wanderers.

One thing when Medicine Man and Abby saw each other, staring. Why didn't Abby do something? Even if the Medicine Man drops the torches and setting the tents blazing.

Another what do you mean by "White Noise": The white noise begins again, rather abruptly. Why didn't the "Another woodblock chimes, but instead of the echo, an extremely horrifying, loud, and rapid drumming begins" wake up the other crew? I mean it's loud so by theory it should disturb them.

Anyhow, KIU mate! :]

 

[PassionPulp]

Anyhow, KIU mate! :]

^What I've been looking for. I like that you've implored reason.

I completely understand how offputting all the description is. It's just how I write and I haven't gotten to editing it out.
I do sometimes give directorial instructions, and I'm improving on limiting them.

I used a Mexican pattern(I like Mexican patterns) to try and adapt the group to the landscape and make them seem less foreign and naive. It's not at all significant really.

I really tried to make the dialogue sound real, nothing more. I think I did a good job at that. I'm 16 and I based the characters with my friends in mind.
I can really imagine my friends and I having these conversations.
I tried to show the group as being average but amusing, which is what I believe today's youth really is.
It's just beginning, so there's more development to come.

I didn't try to make Inny seem easily upset, but his truck was just stolen, so it may be hard to rebuke that. But his character is really the 'good samaritan', and that will show later on.
You pretty much read Abby right.

Charlie is a great title character and I was hoping for an analysis of her.

The Medicine Man and the other Native Americans are regarded as paranormal. If it wasn't clear, I apologize. The reason Abby was still when he saw the Medicine Man is even unclear to me. If I had to describe it, I would say Abby is not in a sound frame of mind, being a heavy drug user.

The white noise just creates an ambience that is insignificant in the script, I know.
Many of the things that Abby sees and hears is oblivious to the others. Although later, many things begin to become apparent to the others. It really is unclear why though.

I really wouldn't advise to try and analyze the plot and just imagine what would be seen. One of my favorite films is Eraserhead, and this may be proof that it has rubbed off on me.

I really appreciate your criticism and the fact that you partially read my script.
If you ever have a script that you'd like for someone to read, I'd be happy to.