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It's a good intro, how I see it.

PassionPulp

PassionPulp

I finished this screenplay. A full feature length screenplay. About 200 pages. Then I had some second thoughts about how I feel about it. It didn't flow.
So I erased it. Then I rearranged the pieces.
It fits. And I like it.
Most of my friends don't share the same love of films like I do. So I came here.
I definitely don't think this will be THE introduction. Everyone who posts their scripts express their willingness to edit them. It is kind of collateral, because if someone says "This sucked," they can be like "It's only a rough draft."
Well mine's a rough draft.
Hell, I'm only fifteen, I've got more time than a Chilean Miner.
This entire idea was based off one word.
Bliss

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...ODF7edt3uV8BqE/edit?hl=en_US&authkey=CNnXzIwE
 
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Hey, that was good, man! You've caught my imagination. Seriously, I think this is a great start.

You've successfully dodged some of the biggest problems new filmmakers suffer from, like going too fast and meaningless action without tension. Tension, after all, is the essential element of good storytelling, if you ask me.

The moment that won me over? When we find out that they don't know what's in the suitcase. That was brilliant.

So yeah, here are some next steps:

1) Put it in the correct format, quick. (People in the biz won't read it if it's in the wrong format)
2) Fix your passive voice. (A dry dusted wind is seen; The Mustang is still heard speeding by.)
3) I had trouble visualizing some of your descriptions, particularly in the beginning. Try to make them clearer.
4) I had trouble understanding what happened on the first pass. Again, try to make your language clearer.

Okay, and I got some questions.
1) How could pepper start the car if she was handcuffed in the back without keys?
2) What was the police officer's cause for searching the car? Legally, he needs a reason.
3) If the two people didn't know why they were being arrested, wouldn't they protest? Legally, the police officer has to tell them what they're being charged with.
4) Why would the police officer arrest them just for having money? Money isn't illegal!

Finally, there's no way the police officer would shoot at them. He might stare, yell, or jump around, but he definitely wouldn't risk killing them.

Great start! As I said, you've won my interest. Now you can do something with it. Tell a story.
 
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This is a good start. One thing that I noted, is you put in way too much detail. What is considered good creative writing for short stories and books doesn't play out well on the screen.

Screenplays focus on dynamics and story. And unlike books, they are limited in the number of pages you have to tell your story. Most feature scripts run between 90-120 pages. At 200 pages, most agencies will reject without even reading the first page.

In descriptions you should only give enough information that is relevant to the scene. Remember, as a screenwriter you're part of a creative team which includes location scouts, costume designers, etc. You only need to give general suggestions.

Code: 
EXT. NEW MEXICO DESERT-NOON
A dry dusted wind is seen over the desert surroundings. Dry, thirsty 
brush hangs by root. Scaly animals bathe in the heat. Barbed wire 
fence wraps around an abandoned lot. A rare glimpse of color from 
the desert flora brightens the deep beige. Prairie Dogs shelter in 
crumbled holes. Dusty black rubber tires share ground with a near 
rock formation. A wooden mount describes Shiprock’s cultural and 
religious significance. 

EXT. SHIPROCK SIDE-NOON
ABERNATHY treks up the formation. He is young, in his late teens. His 
long black hair is pushed back, revealing a bandana covering his 
forehead. He is rather pale and is heated although he dresses lightly. 
He uses no equipment. A stained fire ax is strapped to his back. He 
works slowly, in no evident hurry. His eyes are red and troubled. 

He nears a stable portion of the rock formation, halfway up the rock. 
He lays his hands on the flat, then lifts his body and pulls it onto the 
hard plane.  He stands to see a man sitting to the adjacent edge. He 
is turned away, looking far out onto the desert. ABERNATHY watches him.

BLISS

EXT. NEW MEXICO DESERT-AFTERNOON
A white 1977 Lincoln Continental Town car pulls over to the side of 
an isolated desert highway. A dusty New Mexico Area Car pulls 
adjacent the highway to the Continental. The officer doesn’t rush. In 
fact he waits to exit the area car.

INT. CONTINENTAL-CONTINUOUS
ABERNATHY sits in the driver’s seat, with his hands on his face. PEPPER 
sits in the passenger seat. She shares age with ABERNATHY, she may 
be older. She wears a purple tunic and her light brown hair is behind a 
scarf on the top of her head.  She looks back at the area car.

PEPPER
Why do you think he’s stopping us?

ABERNATHY
He’s a cop.
He doesn’t need reason.

PEPPER
Well don’t look like you’re looking now.
Look a little easier.
We need to keep moving.

ABERNATHY
I’ll try my best not to be arrested.
Maybe if we are we’d be safer.

PEPPER
We’d be better off in Shiprock.

That is really essential to make the scene work? That's what you need to focus on. I've cut out a lot of the description which, while helpful in a book, is largely irrelevant for setting up the scene. Break up actions which would demand their own shots. Break up long passages of dialogue ("talking heads") with action. Work to keep dialogue tight. Frequently ask if that even needs to be said. It's best not to be too specific in make, model and year of car. There's a prop person to take care of that. There is no guarantee that is the car the production will use. Unless it is immediately important to the story to have an exact item, it's best to use generic descriptors. There is a lot more white space. This is another criteria used in "review/pass" process.

What a script revision may look like:

Code: 
EXT.  NEW MEXICO DESERT - NOON

A dry dusty wind snakes over the desert. A nearby rock formation has 
a wooden placard with "Shiprock" blazoned on it with a lizard basking
in the sun racing off.

EXT. SHIPROCK SIDE - NOON

ABERNATHY (17) treks up the formation. His long black hair is pushed 
back by a bandana covering his forehead. His eyes are red and troubled.
He is rather pale, lightly dressed, a stained fire axe strapped to his back. 
Sweat pours down his face as he 

grapples along the rock face with a relaxed pace.  

Halfway up the rock, he lays his hands on the flat, lifts his body and pulls 
it onto the hard plane.  

He stands and watches

A man sits on the adjacent edge. He is turned, looking out onto the 
desert. 

TITLE:  BLISS

EXT.  NEW MEXICO DESERT - AFTERNOON

A white Continental  pulls to the side of an isolated desert highway. 

FLASHING LIGHTS as a dusty New Mexico Area Car pulls adjacent the 
highway to the Continental. 

INT.  CONTINENTAL - CONTINUOUS

ABERNATHY, the driver, has his hands on his face. 

PEPPER (19), smartly dressed wearing a scarf, sits in the 
passenger seat. 

She looks back at the area car.

                          PEPPER
        Why do you think he’s stopping us?

                         ABERNATHY
        He’s a cop.  He doesn’t need reason.
          
                         PEPPER
        Well, you look suspicious right now.
        Relax.  We need to keep moving.

Abernathy glances in the rearview mirror.  

The officer waits to exit the area car.

                         ABERNATHY
        It may be safer if we were arrested.

                         PEPPER
        We’d be better off in Shiprock.

Like Superamazing, I think it is a good start but had problems with the police officer scene. Do look at what you can trim. In proper formatting, one page is rougly one minute. So a 200 page script is almost 3 1/2 hours. However, I am impressed at the thought that went into it. It makes me curious to know more.
 
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superamazing said:
Okay, and I got some questions.
1) How could pepper start the car if she was handcuffed in the back without keys?
2) What was the police officer's cause for searching the car? Legally, he needs a reason.
3) If the two people didn't know why they were being arrested, wouldn't they protest? Legally, the police officer has to tell them what they're being charged with.
4) Why would the police officer arrest them just for having money? Money isn't illegal!

Finally, there's no way the police officer would shoot at them. He might stare, yell, or jump around, but he definitely wouldn't risk killing them.
Click to expand...

1) She slipped out of her handcuffs. She's a young woman. There's a scene later where it shows what happened in the car and Abernathy can't get out of his.
2)It's New Mexico, a little near the Mexican Border. He says "You know how it is today," meaning that they can be drug traffickers, or something else.
3) This is explained later in the film. They see the Yellow Mustang down the highway. They are trying to get away from the person driving.
4) It is if it is A LOT of money, which it was. He took them in under suspicion, which is legal.
5) They're in the New Mexico desert, pretty much the middle of nowhere. He tried to shoot out a tire.
 
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FantasySciFi said:
This is a good start. One thing that I noted, is you put in way too much detail. What is considered good creative writing for short stories and books doesn't play out well on the screen.



Screenplays focus on dynamics and story. And unlike books, they are limited in the number of pages you have to tell your story. Most feature scripts run between 90-120 pages. At 200 pages, most agencies will reject without even reading the first page.

In descriptions you should only give enough information that is relevant to the scene. Remember, as a screenwriter you're part of a creative team which includes location scouts, costume designers, etc. You only need to give general suggestions.

That is really essential to make the scene work? That's what you need to focus on. I've cut out a lot of the description which, while helpful in a book, is largely irrelevant for setting up the scene. Break up actions which would demand their own shots. Break up long passages of dialogue ("talking heads") with action. Work to keep dialogue tight. Frequently ask if that even needs to be said. It's best not to be too specific in make, model and year of car. There's a prop person to take care of that. There is no guarantee that is the car the production will use. Unless it is immediately important to the story to have an exact item, it's best to use generic descriptors. There is a lot more white space. This is another criteria used in "review/pass" process.

Like Superamazing, I think it is a good start but had problems with the police officer scene. Do look at what you can trim. In proper formatting, one page is rougly one minute. So a 200 page script is almost 3 1/2 hours. However, I am impressed at the thought that went into it. It makes me curious to know more.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the advice. I know I put a lot of description in my writing, only because the quantity would be in my film.
I do plan to make my own films, so I am not writing for someone else.
The way I see it, an important part of the film is getting to the desert ambience. I erased the 200 pages because of the 200 pages.
I've adopted styles from Kubrick and Van Sant, so the film, in my head, is slow paced. But there is much conflict, later in the film.
I did write the police scene very quickly, and I always find a time to look over my work. I guarantee you I will find something I don't like.
I appreciate the revisions you made, but I think it sounds a little ametuer.
I will look over it and make changes I feel best.
Thanks for the support though.
 
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I appreciate you have a grand vision. Put it in a book. A screenplay is a blueprint, not the final product. Even a shooting script is a map, not the terrain. Make the filming be your 'screen'-play, the cinematography.

EXT. NEW MEXICO DESERT-NOON
A dry dusted wind is seen over the desert surroundings. Dry, thirsty
brush hangs by root. Scaly animals bathe in the heat. Barbed wire
fence wraps around an abandoned lot. A rare glimpse of color from
the desert flora brightens the deep beige. Prairie Dogs shelter in
crumbled holes. Dusty black rubber tires share ground with a near
rock formation. A wooden mount describes Shiprock’s cultural and
religious significance.

I don't disagree that it's visually evocative. However, at 200 pages, you're writing the movie playing out in your mind's eye--which is a novelization, not a script. This might be better as a novel. Many movies are based on the book. Take your concept and write it as a novella. Then go back and write the screenplay from that. My impression is your trying to use the wrong medium for your message at the moment. As a cautionary note, if my revision looks amateurish, look at the source material.

Admittedly, all that we had to review were the first few pages. You have characters that are flat; they talk back and forth with bland dialogue. You provide dangling scenes and references that you expect the audience to patiently wait for an explanation. Very little action. Together it kind of reads like a bad southwestern Dukes of Hazzard with Daisy May and Ennis.

Code: 
EXT. NEW MEXICO DESERT-CONTINUED
He closes each of the Continental doors he opened. He returns to his 
patrol car. He opens his trunk and places the bag in it. He moves to the 
driver side and opens the driver side door.

PEPPER
Excuse me, Officer. You’re forgetting the keys. 

The Officer looks back at PEPPER. He closes the door and crosses the 
highway to the Continental. His back turned to the Area Car, he hears 
it start up. He has only enough time to turn around and watch it speed 
off. He pulls his pistol. He runs down the highway off screen and begins 
shooting. The Yellow Mustang zooms past the Continental and then off 
screen. A strike is heard. The firing stops. The Mustang is still heard 
speeding by.

Screenplays have three points: format, structure, and story. You didn't share enough to indicate the structure or story. What you have shared isn't cohesive. Your responses to Superamazing and me indicate, you have a lot of backstory in your head that's not being realized visually.
3) This is explained later in the film. They see the Yellow Mustang down the highway. They are trying to get away from the person driving.
And the audience knows this how? S/He/They could be a friend, fellow criminal, etc.

... But there is much conflict, later in the film. Why not now? Engage us.
Click to expand...
Immediacy is what drives along the story. You need to make it obvious. The viewer needs to like (or hate) your protagonist(s). Maybe he IS just an emo teen running away from home. What is the leap to the car scene? Who is she--his sister? girlfriend? lover?

I would suggest reading the Coen brothers' "No Country for Old Men". (http://www.youknow-forkids.com/No_Country_For_Old_Men_2.pdf) It may not be your style of choice, but it can help inform your writing. This is a "shooting script hybrid" much more like you are wanting to do. And for reference, the script is only 122 pages with all the shooting directions imbedded.

Read some more scripts and books on scriptwriting. Kubrik and Van Sant aren't the end all of screenwriting anymore than Jackson Pollock and Vincent Van Gogh characterize art. It helps to broaden yourself. Maybe take a summer course and get an instructor's feedback. Get other opinions. It will help refine and define your final movie. Good luck.
 
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FantasySciFi said:
I appreciate you have a grand vision. Put it in a book. A screenplay is a blueprint, not the final product. Even a shooting script is a map, not the terrain. Make the filming be your 'screen'-play, the cinematography.

I don't disagree that it's visually evocative. However, at 200 pages, you're writing the movie playing out in your mind's eye--which is a novelization, not a script. This might be better as a novel. Many movies are based on the book. Take your concept and write it as a novella. Then go back and write the screenplay from that. My impression is your trying to use the wrong medium for your message at the moment. As a cautionary note, if my revision looks amateurish, look at the source material.

Admittedly, all that we had to review were the first few pages. You have characters that are flat; they talk back and forth with bland dialogue. You provide dangling scenes and references that you expect the audience to patiently wait for an explanation. Very little action. Together it kind of reads like a bad southwestern Dukes of Hazzard with Daisy May and Ennis.

Screenplays have three points: format, structure, and story. You didn't share enough to indicate the structure or story. What you have shared isn't cohesive. Your responses to Superamazing and me indicate, you have a lot of backstory in your head that's not being realized visually.

Immediacy is what drives along the story. You need to make it obvious. The viewer needs to like (or hate) your protagonist(s). Maybe he IS just an emo teen running away from home. What is the leap to the car scene? Who is she--his sister? girlfriend? lover?

I would suggest reading the Coen brothers' "No Country for Old Men". (http://www.youknow-forkids.com/No_Country_For_Old_Men_2.pdf) It may not be your style of choice, but it can help inform your writing. This is a "shooting script hybrid" much more like you are wanting to do. And for reference, the script is only 122 pages with all the shooting directions imbedded.

Read some more scripts and books on scriptwriting. Kubrik and Van Sant aren't the end all of screenwriting anymore than Jackson Pollock and Vincent Van Gogh characterize art. It helps to broaden yourself. Maybe take a summer course and get an instructor's feedback. Get other opinions. It will help refine and define your final movie. Good luck.
Click to expand...

Like I said, I didn't want it to be long. It was long, so I started over.
This is only the first few pages. The two character's dialogue is flat because I feel it should be flat. It's the very beginning. I don't feel that there is enough emotion at this point to be shown. The way I see it is the way I wrote it. And the way I see it, is perfect.
Yes there are unanswered questions. It is only the first few pages. You can't be surprised that you are a bit confused.
I'm pretty sound with my writing right now. There is this vision in my mind and together it flows. I've seen my share of films and read my share of books. This is my contribution, and the dialogue does contribute well, whether it is flat or not.
By the way, black hair does not = "emo". He's actually shown to be pretty happy later on.
 
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FantasySciFi said:
Screenplays have three points: format, structure, and story. You didn't share enough to indicate the structure or story. What you have shared isn't cohesive. Your responses to Superamazing and me indicate, you have a lot of backstory in your head that's not being realized visually.
Click to expand...

What would have happened if Jack started chopping down doors at the very beginning of The Shining? It would have ruined the plot that he goes crazy. Kubrick took some time to "engage" the audience. I believe that the Mustang running down a police officer would qualify as "engaging" the audience.
Yes, there is action. A police man is killed. Just because there was no big shoot em' up or a white hot juggernaut car chase, doesn't mean that there isn't much action. You aren't supposed to know that they are trying to get away from the Mustang, but later it is realized.
In many horror films, there is a scene at the very beginning that a masked figure kills someone off, right before the credits. Some see this as cliche'. I'm not trying to make an action movie filled with explosions and machines coming to life. I want to make a film that makes audiences think. If everything was clear at the beginning, why watch the end?
 
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"A strike is heard. The firing stops." did not translate to me that the officer was struck by the mustang. The officer is off screen. I thought we heard a bullet strike the area car speeding off. He stopped firing. Seeing it conveys information that's missing. I believe that you have a clear vision.

In your earlier question about non-linear screenwriting, I noted that:
"Even a non-linear presentation has the four key transition points-the introduction, the commitment, the turning point, and the point of no return. It is important to clue in the audience that the flow of story is non-linear. What is the trigger for the transition? It also helps to have a continuous element that is made evident."

It's your vision. All I can say is that character development must start page one and is the most important element of the writer's job. He's climbing, why? He sees the man there. Is he surprised? How do they react to each other. There is a difference between evolving a non-linear story and keeping secrets from the audience. In the former, the audience has the pieces but they don't make sense until the next segment, and in the end it all falls into place. In the latter the audience becomes resentful.

Pick a vital element of your story and premier it in each segment. Let's say it's the yellow mustang. In your beginning, describe him crossing to Shiprock mountain. The camera flashes back to see a yellow mustang driving slowly up and parking in the lot, kicking up a dust plume. Go back to him climbing the rockface. It's minor but now the audience has the mustang but no clue as to its meaning.

When he meets the man, what is the nature of it? Have them interact. It starts to develop the audience's interest in your protagonist. So he stands on the rock as the man looks out. Abernathy now sits down as the man stands. The man without looking at him says "You came. That's good." The man turns and boom now you cut to a different scene. That short segment makes the audience wonder about this man but also conveys something of Abernathy since he is sitting and following through on some committment we don't know about yet.

Here I would add a scene. I might have them stopped at a gas station. While Abernathy is pumping the gas, Pepper comes out with a water/soda, one for each. Introduce her character through her actions and dialogue. I might have a slow take as the yellow mustang drives up the other side of the road scoping them. You don't have to say she's a girlfriend if they smile at each other or she gives him a peck on the cheek. She can say something innocuous like "I hope it's not much farther to Shiprock." Now Shiprock is once more important. Subtly you are building up the information but withholding context.

Finally shift to your highway scene. If it were me I would inject more emotion into their dialogue to convince the audience there is a reason to avoid the yellow mustang and to get to Shiprock. Movies are about emotions. Rather than imply it, I'd show it. I'd probably also just show her slipping from the cuffs (but getting out of the locked door might be more challenging). A head-on shot of the officer as he pulls off a couple rounds with the yellow mustang racing up behind him. He turns. Black. Now we hear the thud. We see the yellow mustang paused. It guns it's engines then drives off in pursuit of Abernathy and Pepper, possibly revealing the body of the officer.

Immediately in this beginning, we have the ominous yellow mustang that clues in the audience to transitions. You've made the important introductions. Now you can pull the non-linear shift. The hook for this segment is the very narrow escape. Now the audience knows this is more life and death. The audience still has no clue what these two have managed to get mixed up in.

In non-linear writing, you don't withhold information, you withhold the context for the information. It is much more tantalizing to keep seeing this yellow mustang and have no clue except it's ominous. You can now follow the characters' lives non-linearly.

I recognize you have poured a lot of sweat equity into this. My comment on the Dukes of Hazzard was out of line. Just know that it's okay and necessary to be rich in the development of your characters. In the end, they are the commodity which sells the movie. Make the audience care about Abernathy and Pepper from the start to finish. That is the important piece that I feel needs more work.
 
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I agree. You're writing a novel here, not a screenplay. And this is coming from someone who understands the difference -- I've written three full-length novels and am still struggling to write a screenplay. A novelist has traditionally stuffed his book with as much value and opinion as possible, to give the reader more for their money in a time when books were expensive, and often out of reach for the general public (which is why authors like Dickens often included so many completely anecdotal chapters and subplots in their works). This is why even the modern American Novel had evolved into a rather wordy, dense affair compared to other minimalist literary forms like Japanese poetry (haiku being the case in point).

But while the point of a novel is to DESCRIBE something to the READER as comprehensively as possible, the point of a screenplay is to ENABLE the DIRECTOR/CREW to do the describing in their own way. An over-descriptive screenplay is self-defeating.

And this one is definitely over-descriptive. Don't get upset, don't make excuses, and don't fight it. You have to decide if you want to describe the setting and characters to a T, or if you want to write a screenplay (a rather bland set of instructions) -- one or the other, not both at the same time. But don't fight you instinct. Some stories are better told in one medium or the other. I've written a lot of screenplays that actually work far better as short stories, and vice versa. I think that making that determination has a lot to do with how important a character's inner monologue is to the story, and whether or not that can be captured in voiceover.
 
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Looks pretty good to me. It's kinda slow paced but suspenseful enough to hold our attention. You parachuted us in the middle of the action with no background presentation. We're left with plenty of questions. I'm hooked.

All the lengthy descriptions are OK if it's only for you and your friends. If you want to put that in front of an agent or a producer you'd have to trim.

FantasySciFi's version looks very good too. There's a lot to be learned from this guy.
 
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PassionPulp said:
The way I see it, an important part of the film is getting to the desert ambience.
Click to expand...

You’re right - but your opening scene is overwritten. A while back
I asked if you had read scripts written by Kubrick or Van Sant.
Have you read the script of “The Shining”? Just seeing the movie
does not give you good indication of what is in the script.

Kubrick does not write as much ambience as you do. If you are
adopting the styles of Kubrick and Van Sant’s writing, you need to
read more of their scripts.

I agree with what Fantasy is saying - you don’t need to overwrite in
order to get inot the desert ambience. I have been covering scripts (I’m
one of those dreaded readers you read about) for years. Frankly, it is
your version that reads a little ameture - way to much ambience - and
Fantasy’s version reads more professional.

On the other hand; as you say, this script is not meant to be sold - you
will produce and direct it yourself so none of this really matters. The
advice you are getting is aimed at a writer (or a writer/director) who
will not be financing it alone.

I suggest you read more scripts; especially scripts written by Kubrick
and Van Sant - they are much leaner that your script is.
 
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