Is this scene poorly written?

[harmonica44]

I think my script is too dialogue drive, and too talkie, and I thought I would show more, instead of tell. I decided to change one scene and make it all music and no sound, even though words are spoken. Some movies do this like how in Saving Private Ryan, near the beginning, the woman takes the paper from the telegraph machine, and shows it to her other officers, and we see they are speaking to each other, but all we hear is music, and no sound.

Here's a scene I wrote like that:

INT. PUB -- DAY

Sheila is playing pool with her friends. She hits a ball
into a pocket, and cheers alongside them --

A female detective walks over and asks to speak to her in
private, but we do not hear what they are saying over the
soundtrack of the band playing on stage --

Sheila is not pleased and looks around -- She turns away and
heads for the bar --

The detective follows and shows her badge. Sheila argues
with her and she tries to plead with her -- Sheila calls
for the bartender.

The detective gets insistent and Shiela walks away, to the
exit -- The detective walks ahead of her as the band's music
grows heavier.

Sheila tries to walk around her but she blocks her, and pulls
out handcuffs -- Sheila sees it's not an option...

The detective gestures for her to walk outside. Sheila walks
ahead of her -- The detective follows, unproud...

However, does the scene work for no sound since it is longer than the usual scene, where you do not hear dialogue. Would this work for an audience, or would they think it's weird how their has been silent dialogue over music for a whole scene, rather than just a short section?

 

[arrodiii]

Honestly, have you considered trying to write about something that you have experience with? It seems that everything that you are attempting to write about involve plots that you have no experience or knowledge with.

In this scene you are attempting to write a scene as realistically as possible as to the legal protocols in some area that you have not mentioned. What may be legal in Canada may not be in America, England, or Nepal. You also state that your research included speaking to two police officers. That is great, though you state that they mention it would in fact be a rare occurrence for them to arrest someone in the same circumstance though you don't mention why they say it would be rare - is it because it skirts a grey area of the law? As I have mentioned before you should also speak to a criminal defense attorney to see how many times he has run up against this kind of scenario and see if it would be really easy for him to get dismissed or get his client out.

What you are trying to write about seems to be well out of your league of knowledge/experience. If you want to continue writing this you should consider collaborating with someone that has some knowledge/experience in this area.

I say this because the last thing you wrote about is possibly changing the setting of the scene because I pointed out a flaw. There are plenty of ways to rework this scene to keep it in a bar, though I am honestly unsure if you will be able to find a way to keep it in the bar due to your post history.

 

[harmonica44]

Okay thanks, but lots of writers, have written thrillers without having much background in that area. Christopher Nolan wrote The Dark Knight, and he was never in the police or the mob, same with Fritz Lang's M, and other examples. I thought doing research would suffice, like it would for other writers, even though, they never served as police officers, or criminals.

The reason why it was rare, is because most witnesses never let it get to the point, where they are willing to be arrested to find out what they have to say. A lot of prosecutors will also throw out a case, before deciding to arrest a witness, so it depends on how ambitious the prosecutor is as well, and most are not THAT ambitious to the point, where they would risk wasting so much money on testimony that was forced out of a witness by arresting them. But the prosecutor in my script could be. As far as getting collaboration from a criminal defense attorney, I have tried that but they charge fortune, just for a phone conversation, so it would be hard to find one who would be willing to offer the time. Even if they just give you a few sentences for a high price, at least the cops I talked to, like movies, and were willing to help shape the story somewhat. I could rewrite the scenario as long as it works. I am open to other suggestions but the cops' advice, was the best I could get to work for my story. If their advice is wrong, I could ask more.