Is this hook powerful enough?

[Firm1]

So like every good writer, I'm trying to hook the audience into wanting to watch a 20-30 minute short from a production company that no one has ever heard of.

As a reader, would you want to see more or move on with your life?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

FADE IN:

(1) INT/EXT. CAR AT A MOUTAIN OVERLOOK – NIGHT

(A) You see a couple making love in the bed of a truck outside. There appears to be some bright light illuminating the entire scene.

MARISSA (V.O)
All we have to do…

(B) L-SHOT TRANSITION TO, the two sitting by a cliff at dusk. She looks at him while talking.

MARISSA
…Is wake up.

SMASH CUT TO:

(2) INT. SORIN’S BEDROOM (EMPTY TOWN) – EARLY MORNING

(A) You see SORIN spring out of bed. He pants heavily as he scans the room, trying to remember where he was.

(B) The place is lofty with a cold tone to it.

(C) The YOUNG man slowly calms down and stares off in a slight daze.

SORIN (V.O)
I keep seeing her every night, but I never even met her…Is that what a woman looks like?

(D) Sorin looks out of the window next to him and sees an empty grey street.

SORIN (V.O)
I wonder if I knew her. Maybe she was real.

(E) He moves his feet to the floor and sits at the edge of the bed, looking off as he dwells on the dream.

SORIN (V.O)
All we have to do is wake up. Huh…Wake up.

(2) CUT TO BLACK

ROLL CREDITS (QUE MUSIC)

MONTAGE:

(A) You see Sorin walking to the bathroom.

(B) Sorin brushes his teeth. The facet is on. He spits out the toothpaste and gurgles some water. After rinsing his mouth, the young man looks up and stares at his reflection.

(C) Sorin peers intently at the mirror, as though he is in deep thought.

[CREDITS]

(D) You see Sorin running in the middle of a neighborhood street. He is wearing a scruffy hat and a worn out jacket. It is a cold morning in an empty town. The sun hasn’t even risen.

(E) Sorin passes by a row of empty houses as he turns a corner.

[Credits]

(F) Sorin runs by an empty ally way.

(G) You can see streetlights going from GREEN to RED on a road that’s empty.

[Credits]

(H) Sorin runs past a corner store that’s empty. Every other store is just the same.

SORIN (V.O)
What are all these buildings for?

(I) You can see a line of cars sitting along the street.


SORIN (V.O)
…These sitting cars that never seem to rot away?

(J) You can see Sorin running up the middle of a MAIN street. Behind him is a small town that’s desolate.

[Credits]

(K) You see Sorin run along the side of a highway that leads out of town. He stops and bends over to catch his breath.

(L) He finally moves back up, putting his hands on the back of his head as he continues to pant. Sorin stares straight and then turns to look at the city.

(H) You see a beautiful town resting along a hillside.

(I) You see a close up on his eyes.

SORIN (V.O)
Why am I the only one?

(J) WIDE SHOT on rising sun and Sorin looking off.

SORIN (V.O)
What else is out there?

[SHOW TITLE OF MOVIE: NOVEK]

 

[Jack Lynt]

Well, I suppose the opening sex hooks me intially. Note to self: sex hooks people (well, me at least).

I'm sorry to say that it doesn't really hook me. But maybe that's just a lack of imagination or commitment on my part. I don't think it's any problem, though. It's just that not much happens yet, that's all. I think that, likely, it could be helped muchly by a little more succinctness and tightening.

I'm also put off by the shot discriptions and your placing the credits etc. I realize that this is an indie filmmaking site and that maybe you are the director, editor, etc, but for a reader -and you are asking for imput from readers here- it's off-putting...well, for me, at least.

I'd sure like to hear what more experienced readers think, but I'm unfamiliar with the alphabetizing and the numbering of elements, and, I have to say, I don't care for it. But maybe that's just because there's something wrong with me.

From what I've read, I suspect that a professional reader would not be kind to it, as is.

I think there's something there. But it could use some tightening up. And the formatting, I'm not fond of it, but what do I know? Let a better, more experienced reader address that.

Nice work. =)

 

[harmonica44]

I don't know if you need to write things like SMASH CUT, but I do like how you wrote that the titles start. For an indie production though, I wouldn't bother with a title sequence till the end. That's what I was told to do, cause you want to hook people right away, so forget title sequences. Unless you can come up with one so stylish, it will match a James Bond title sequence maybe.

But I also was not quite hooked. Maybe if I saw how it was shot, as it is a very visual opening. I can't put my finger on it? This is suppose to be a thriller right? Can you open with something very shocking to the audience, or is that not possible until later?

 

[Padnar]

The shot directions is probablly creating a less impact

 

[Sweetie]

After reading that, I have to ask, what is the hook?

 

[ItDonnedOnMe]

Hard to say - if I visualize it in my head, I can see it being intriguing enough to want to keep watching. Just reading it though doesn't really grab me.

I also agree that the shot descriptions should be re-written, I think it would flow better overall. Remember, you're setting up the important elements of the scene, not describing what someone sees - so things like this:

(A) You see a couple making love in the bed of a truck outside. There appears to be some bright light illuminating the entire scene.

Should be written in active present tense without modifiers like "You see":

"A man and woman make love on the bed of a truck outside. A bright light illuminates the scene."

"Sorin walks to the bathroom."

"Streetlights switch from GREEN to RED on an empty road."

 

[Firm1]

Thanks for the input guys!

Yeah, I'm not that interested in the formatting since my brother and I are filming it. I was just trying to see if you guys could visualize it, which from what I've read, you can't haha. So, it looks like I might have some more work to do. I was really just trying to see if the V.O made you go, "Wtf does he mean by that?"

Also, this isn't a thriller. Granted, there are parts that are thrilling, but to be honest, I don't know what genre to place it in. It's basically the matrix without all the action. Dark City is also another good comparison. The biggest issue is trying to tell a lot without having to really show that much.

Anyway, hope to be able to show you the final product next Winter.

 

[Sweetie]

You didn't ask if we could visualize it, you asked if the hook was big enough. Unless you're talking about something completely different, that's chalk and cheese.

 

[Firm1]

You didn't ask if we could visualize it, you asked if the hook was big enough. Unless you're talking about something completely different, that's chalk and cheese.

I meant visualize the hook and actually be intrigued by it, but I guess not. The basic gist of this first scene that I was trying to get across was that the main character dwells in a desolate town by himself, having no recollection of how or why he's the only person in the World. More so, he keeps having dreams of a different life with different people even though as far as he's concerned he's never actually seen a real person.

What do you think this first scene is about?

 

[Firm1]

I don't know if you need to write things like SMASH CUT, but I do like how you wrote that the titles start. For an indie production though, I wouldn't bother with a title sequence till the end. That's what I was told to do, cause you want to hook people right away, so forget title sequences. Unless you can come up with one so stylish, it will match a James Bond title sequence maybe.

But I also was not quite hooked. Maybe if I saw how it was shot, as it is a very visual opening. I can't put my finger on it? This is suppose to be a thriller right? Can you open with something very shocking to the audience, or is that not possible until later?

No, because it's supposed to build up to a complete mind-fuck. My aim is to reveal the significance of the Voice over and his aimless wandering at the end when the whole thing comes back in full circles. The beginning is more like an end to an epic journey, so to speak, only he can't remember what happened.

 

[escher]

I think it's a fantastic start, but if you fail on the pay-off I'll get grumpy.

(I've seen far too many films that start out great but then never live up to their potential.)

 

[Firm1]

I think it's a fantastic start, but if you fail on the pay-off I'll get grumpy.

(I've seen far too many films that start out great but then never live up to their potential.)

Thanks. Yeah, I'll be grumpy too if I mess it up. I'm really concerned about the middle because its kind of a slow romance set in a mysterious "doomsday" scenario, where social order is slowly crumbling. However, the end should be ridiculous; like a complete 180 from the entire movie.

My hope is to showcase this as having the potential to be expanded into a feature length. But, I wouldn't touch it with a nine foot pole unless I had millions to spend on it. A man can dream, though.

 

[escher]

Thanks. Yeah, I'll be grumpy too if I mess it up. I'm really concerned about the middle because its kind of a slow romance set in a mysterious "doomsday" scenario, where social order is slowly crumbling. However, the end should be ridiculous; like a complete 180 from the entire movie.

My hope is to showcase this as having the potential to be expanded into a feature length. But, I wouldn't touch it with a nine foot pole unless I had millions to spend on it. A man can dream, though.

I do script reviews if you need an uncompromising, objective look at it.

 

[Sweetie]

What do you think this first scene is about?

To be honest, I was too busy looking for the hook.

A hook is something different or very interesting that gets you interested to watch the rest of the story. I don't remember reading anything that is outside the world of the mundane.

Though, I did assume this was a trailer or an opening scene.

 

[FantasySciFi]

Since you're the production company, I see no problem with using the shot details. I would use a lot less voiceover. Making the visuals, sounds, and acting carry more of the meaning engages the audience more and limits being too expository.

What do you think is the 'hook' in that segment? Creating a hook is really about creating interest in the characters. Seeing lovers then flipping to Sorin feels flat because I didn't get a sense of relationship. Develop that sequence out more. Make the individuals more intriguing. Make the sequence more directly relevant to the mystery of your story, even if it's something that is simply a McGuffin.

The hook for 'Novek' should make me want to know who she is, why she's important, wonder about their relationship, what does 'wake up' mean, why it's important, and realize that something is not normal. And it can do all of that in the first minute or so if you use more action. Having him walking through a landscape rather than acting upon it weakens both his character and the plot.

Below is how I might modify the beginning to make the characters more active and relevant. It takes the message and links it to the plot. It raises questions about relationship, actions and the nature of reality.

Stars shine over a mountain.

EXT. PICKUP ON A MOUTAIN OVERLOOK – NIGHT 

Moans and giggles come from the bed of a pickup.

A young couple makes love in the bed of a truck outside.  

MARISSA (20s), a lovely young girl, throws her head back, a smile
creeping across her face as SORIN (20s) lies back covered in sweat. 

A bright light scans about before focusing on them, illuminating the 
entire scene.

                                     SORIN
               They've found us.  We ...

                                     MARISSA (O.C.)
               All we have to do…

She looks down at him and touches her finger to his lips.

                                      MARISSA 
               … is wake up.

                                                               SMASH CUT TO:

INT. SORIN’S BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING

Sorin, covered in sweat, sits bolt upright and gasps air. He
glances over and sees that he is alone.

A bright light shines through the window causing him to squint.
He turns and scans the room.

                                        SORIN
                 Marissa!

He springs out of bed and moves to the window. 

The street below is empty.

There is a loud rhythmic clanging outside.  Sorin clasps his head.  

                                       SORIN (V.O.)
                Every night she haunts my dreams.
                Always the same.  I feel I should 
                know her but how?  Where?

The sound subsides.  He staggers back before closing the curtain.

He moves to a dresser, stops, then rummages the drawers 
looking for something.  

He finds a wallet and looks inside it to find it empty.  He hurls it
against the wall.

He staggers back and sits down, sinking onto the bed. 

                                        SORIN
                         (dismissively)
                  All we need to do is wake up.

He looks up and see his face in the mirror.  He strokes his face
with a questioning look.

He turns and falls back onto the bed staring up at the ceiling.

His eyes close.

                                          SORIN (V.O.)
                  All I want is to dream.  Be with her.

FLASH of Marissa's face, smiling then looking away.

ROLL CREDITS:

INT. SORIN'S BATHROOM - MORNING

Sorin enters the bathroom.

He puts toothpaste on his brush and cleans his teeth. 

He bends over,  spits out the toothpaste and 

looks back to see "WAKE UP" written on the mirror in a red
lipstick.

He stares intently at the mirror and drops his toothbrush.

He picks it up and finds the mirror blank.

He touches the mirror reflecting the fear and concern etched on
his face.

He shakes it off and exits. 
...

It's only how I would ramp up the hook so now Marissa and 'wake up' are more integral. The empty wallet, empty street take on new meaning as he wanders the desolate streets. The lights and sounds are potentially just 'red herrings' that he has made up in his own mind or reflect some more sinister aspect yet to be learned. It's clear that whereever he is, it's not a natural place. By adding some actions and dialogue it makes Marissa and Sorin seem more vital. Good luck as you move forward.

 

[Jack Lynt]

Thanks for the input guys!

Yeah, I'm not that interested in the formatting since my brother and I are filming it. I was just trying to see if you guys could visualize it, which from what I've read, you can't haha. So, it looks like I might have some more work to do. I was really just trying to see if the V.O made you go, "Wtf does he mean by that?"

Also, this isn't a thriller. Granted, there are parts that are thrilling, but to be honest, I don't know what genre to place it in. It's basically the matrix without all the action. Dark City is also another good comparison. The biggest issue is trying to tell a lot without having to really show that much.

Anyway, hope to be able to show you the final product next Winter.

+

I meant visualize the hook and actually be intrigued by it, but I guess not. The basic gist of this first scene that I was trying to get across was that the main character dwells in a desolate town by himself, having no recollection of how or why he's the only person in the World. More so, he keeps having dreams of a different life with different people even though as far as he's concerned he's never actually seen a real person.

What do you think this first scene is about?

+

No, because it's supposed to build up to a complete mind-fuck. My aim is to reveal the significance of the Voice over and his aimless wandering at the end when the whole thing comes back in full circles. The beginning is more like an end to an epic journey, so to speak, only he can't remember what happened.

+

Thanks. Yeah, I'll be grumpy too if I mess it up. I'm really concerned about the middle because its kind of a slow romance set in a mysterious "doomsday" scenario, where social order is slowly crumbling. However, the end should be ridiculous; like a complete 180 from the entire movie.

My hope is to showcase this as having the potential to be expanded into a feature length. But, I wouldn't touch it with a nine foot pole unless I had millions to spend on it. A man can dream, though.

+

Since you're the production company, I see no problem with using the shot details. I would use a lot less voiceover. Making the visuals, sounds, and acting carry more of the meaning engages the audience more and limits being too expository.

What do you think is the 'hook' in that segment? Creating a hook is really about creating interest in the characters. Seeing lovers then flipping to Sorin feels flat because I didn't get a sense of relationship. Develop that sequence out more. Make the individuals more intriguing. Make the sequence more directly relevant to the mystery of your story, even if it's something that is simply a McGuffin.

The hook for 'Novek' should make me want to know who she is, why she's important, wonder about their relationship, what does 'wake up' mean, why it's important, and realize that something is not normal. And it can do all of that in the first minute or so if you use more action. Having him walking through a landscape rather than acting upon it weakens both his character and the plot.

Below is how I might modify the beginning to make the characters more active and relevant. It takes the message and links it to the plot. It raises questions about relationship, actions and the nature of reality.

Stars shine over a mountain.

EXT. PICKUP ON A MOUTAIN OVERLOOK – NIGHT 

Moans and giggles come from the bed of a pickup.

A young couple makes love in the bed of a truck outside.  

MARISSA (20s), a lovely young girl, throws her head back, a smile
creeping across her face as SORIN (20s) lies back covered in sweat. 

A bright light scans about before focusing on them, illuminating the 
entire scene.

                                     SORIN
               They've found us.  We ...

                                     MARISSA (O.C.)
               All we have to do…

She looks down at him and touches her finger to his lips.

                                      MARISSA 
               … is wake up.

                                                               SMASH CUT TO:

INT. SORIN’S BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING

Sorin, covered in sweat, sits bolt upright and gasps air. He
glances over and sees that he is alone.

A bright light shines through the window causing him to squint.
He turns and scans the room.

                                        SORIN
                 Marissa!

He springs out of bed and moves to the window. 

The street below is empty.

There is a loud rhythmic clanging outside.  Sorin clasps his head.  

                                       SORIN (V.O.)
                Every night she haunts my dreams.
                Always the same.  I feel I should 
                know her but how?  Where?

The sound subsides.  He staggers back before closing the curtain.

He moves to a dresser, stops, then rummages the drawers 
looking for something.  

He finds a wallet and looks inside it to find it empty.  He hurls it
against the wall.

He staggers back and sits down, sinking onto the bed. 

                                        SORIN
                         (dismissively)
                  All we need to do is wake up.

He looks up and see his face in the mirror.  He strokes his face
with a questioning look.

He turns and falls back onto the bed staring up at the ceiling.

His eyes close.

                                          SORIN (V.O.)
                  All I want is to dream.  Be with her.

FLASH of Marissa's face, smiling then looking away.

ROLL CREDITS:

INT. SORIN'S BATHROOM - MORNING

Sorin enters the bathroom.

He puts toothpaste on his brush and cleans his teeth. 

He bends over,  spits out the toothpaste and 

looks back to see "WAKE UP" written on the mirror in a red
lipstick.

He stares intently at the mirror and drops his toothbrush.

He picks it up and finds the mirror blank.

He touches the mirror reflecting the fear and concern etched on
his face.

He shakes it off and exits. 
...

It's only how I would ramp up the hook so now Marissa and 'wake up' are more integral. The empty wallet, empty street take on new meaning as he wanders the desolate streets. The lights and sounds are potentially just 'red herrings' that he has made up in his own mind or reflect some more sinister aspect yet to be learned. It's clear that whereever he is, it's not a natural place. By adding some actions and dialogue it makes Marissa and Sorin seem more vital. Good luck as you move forward.

= Yes, I'm hooked.

Sounds interesting. Please keep us posted. =)

 

[Firm1]

Since you're the production company, I see no problem with using the shot details. I would use a lot less voiceover. Making the visuals, sounds, and acting carry more of the meaning engages the audience more and limits being too expository.

What do you think is the 'hook' in that segment? Creating a hook is really about creating interest in the characters. Seeing lovers then flipping to Sorin feels flat because I didn't get a sense of relationship. Develop that sequence out more. Make the individuals more intriguing. Make the sequence more directly relevant to the mystery of your story, even if it's something that is simply a McGuffin.

The hook for 'Novek' should make me want to know who she is, why she's important, wonder about their relationship, what does 'wake up' mean, why it's important, and realize that something is not normal. And it can do all of that in the first minute or so if you use more action. Having him walking through a landscape rather than acting upon it weakens both his character and the plot.

It's only how I would ramp up the hook so now Marissa and 'wake up' are more integral. The empty wallet, empty street take on new meaning as he wanders the desolate streets. The lights and sounds are potentially just 'red herrings' that he has made up in his own mind or reflect some more sinister aspect yet to be learned. It's clear that whereever he is, it's not a natural place. By adding some actions and dialogue it makes Marissa and Sorin seem more vital. Good luck as you move forward.

I see what you mean. I need to emphasize the romantic connection.

Anyway, the hook that I was trying to create was a sense of mystery. I want the audience to wonder why he's dreaming about a person and event when he's never seen a person before nor experienced any other event aside from dwelling in the desolate town. I want people to wonder why he's never seen others and why he's the only one in the World. In short, I'm trying to confuse the audience in such a way so as to compel them to want to watch more.

I guess that's why I don't want to expand too much on showing why the audience should care about the woman. I just want them to wonder about her and the dreams. During the middle part of the movie, you get introduced to the woman in real time, where he immediately has flashbacks of her, only in a different place and time. Only at the end do you finally realize who she really is and what these flashbacks really mean, among other mysterious parts in the movie.

 

[Firm1]

+ = Yes, I'm hooked.

Sounds interesting. Please keep us posted. =)

Thank you very much. I'm glad some people are excited about the premise. I'll keep you guys posted on it.

 

[Alcove Audio]

You as a screenwriter/director/editor/whatever already know what is going on and why it is important; the audience does not. You have to communicate ALL of the relative important information. You knew that the relationship was more than casual, but it was not expressed in a way the audience would know it in your treatment.

I'm not a big fan of VO. Can't you think of any way to visually and sonically express what he is saying? Can't you use dialog/monologue? People who are all alone tend to talk to themselves after a while, why can't he? Remember "Castaway?" Maybe you need a Wilson. How about he keeps a diary/journal; even though he knows that it's completely FUBAR he at least tries to wring coherency out of his situation with it.



One last thing:

... I'm not that interested in the formatting...

Yeah, it's just for you, but proper formatting is a good habit to get into. When you start looking for actors, a DP, etc. they will look at the formatting and say "amateur!" Maybe not, but I know that things like that put me off - unless the money is fantastic, of course.

 

[Firm1]

You as a screenwriter/director/editor/whatever already know what is going on and why it is important; the audience does not. You have to communicate ALL of the relative important information. You knew that the relationship was more than casual, but it was not expressed in a way the audience would know it in your treatment.

I'm not a big fan of VO. Can't you think of any way to visually and sonically express what he is saying? Can't you use dialog/monologue? People who are all alone tend to talk to themselves after a while, why can't he? Remember "Castaway?" Maybe you need a Wilson. How about he keeps a diary/journal; even though he knows that it's completely FUBAR he at least tries to wring coherency out of his situation with it.



One last thing:



Yeah, it's just for you, but proper formatting is a good habit to get into. When you start looking for actors, a DP, etc. they will look at the formatting and say "amateur!" Maybe not, but I know that things like that put me off - unless the money is fantastic, of course.

Awesome. This is exactly what I want people to think when they watch the movie. I want them to question why that love scene was even relevant.

Also, I would use alternatives to voice overs but A. It's not practical when you're trying to squeeze in feature length material in a 20 to 30 minute short and B. I like the idea of having a character whose constantly thinking and wondering to himself. I figure as long as you sprinkle the movie with voice overs then it should be fine. Over saturating it or using V.O's for no reason at all is what destroys a movie.

Thanks for the input.