Okay, punctuation issues--missing apostrophes, commas, and comma-spliced sentences. Also watch for grammar. Try to demonstrate.
Ex:
That’s right, walk away, you’ll disappear soon, why? your not real!
"That's right. Walk away! You'll disappear soon. Why? You're not real!"
BRUNETTE GIRL is sat in a chair behind Grace, she claps her hands sarcastically
BRUNETTE GIRL sits on a chair behind Grace. She claps her hands with slow, loud sarcasm.
Grace crawls backwards and picks the knife of the table
"Grace crawls backwards and picks the knife off the table."
Also the '(continued)' is not used anymore, even for continued scenes. It is only used with broken character dialogues.
Okay, that's the technical stuff.
Script jumps all over. The sex scene confounded the last piece.
If Julia is lesbian, why is she trying to get Sam for herself? Wouldn't she--given the beginning--try to kill Sam to get Jess to herself (and Grace's)?
I think I would have ended it a bit more nebulously:
JULIA
It's simple. The best plan is ... to kill the competition.
This also opens up a bit more plot twist later.
As a side note, in multiple personality disorder (or Dissociative Identity Disorder nowadays), most alters are not aware of each other. And if they do become aware, it is typically not manifested in hallucinations. But we can suspend that for the sake of the film.
Overall, I think the dialogue could be just a bit tighter, but you have a good balance. Again, the punctuation is really critical for a good flow. The action and dialogue offset each other well. I don't get a strong sense of the characters.
The start of p.6, Grace pulls Sam onto her? After just fighting with Julia? Knowing Julia may be lurking? Being sexually aroused by Sam after just contemplating suicide because she couldn't have him? That scene really jumped out at me as awkward. I would develop that just a bit more.
First, put some distance between her and Julia.
Julia is gone so it seems. Grace believes she has won. Grace cleans up and that is when Sam appears. Have him notice her finger and show some concern. Build up to that kiss and sex. Now transition Sam back to Julia. It will only add a page to the script, but it can heighten the tension and give us some insight into how Grace perceives Sam. It also shows how Julia plays Grace. While the device of trapping her in the mirror is a common one, it serves its purpose.
Overall, I think it is a very good beginning to a thriller. Good work!
The revised screenplay is easier to read with the paragraphs broken out. You can more easily see the actions in the scenes. I won't nag about the punctuation.
Go back and look at the dialogue to see if it really needs to be said as opposed to being shown.
Code:
BRUNETTE GIRL
(raised voice)
Don’t you dare insult me you stupid cow!
GRACE
Is that the best you can come up with?
Whats your name then?
BRUNETTE GIRL
Well, I’ve never really had a name before...
Both girls look each other in the eye.
JULIA
...How about, for the sake of your sanity,
lets call me Julia.
GRACE
(laughing)
Well that’s just a stupid name.
JULIA
Why, don’t you like it?
GRACE
(frustrated)
Not one bit!
Grace stands up and starts pacing round the room.
Watch the wrylies. Most of those comments are intuitive from the script itself. While a real-life conversation may play out this way, dialogue in movies is often more economical. What I come away with reading yours are three elements: insult, name, and taunt. How can I boil it down to capture those three major elements?
Code:
BRUNETTE GIRL
Don’t you dare insult me, you stupid cow!
GRACE
Is that the best you can come up with?
(beat)
I need you? You don't even have a name.
Their eyes meet as anger darts between them.
BRUNETTE / JULIA
For the sake of argument, call me ... Julia.
Grace's eyes narrow, and she looks away. Grace stands, strolls past her,
and delivers a short, forced laugh before pacing about the room.
Julia smiles and leans back. Her tone is mocking.
JULIA
Don’t you like it?
Grace stops and turns to face Julia.
Julia slides forward and stands.
From seven interchanges to four with 55 words down to 38. The essence of the dialogue is maintained. Again, the idea is to make the dialogue support the actions and be purposeful. That will sometimes seem rather clipped. Normal conversation is horribly redundant. If I see too many uninterrupted exchanges between characters, it clues me to look at the dialogue. I would look at your other conversations and see if you can boil them down.
I like your treatment of Sam and Grace. It gives a slightly different angle to Grace that gives her more depth.
The piece is coming together. I know you have in mind the horror aspect of this alternate personality appearing. I suggest you sit down and ask yourself what each of them wants. At this point, you have made good strides in capturing the essential story and developing your characters. The idea of a 'character arc' is that the characters are changing throughout the movie. Often you see them go to opposites--weak to strong, proud to humble, etc. That is not always so, nor necessary.
In your story, you have a weak Grace and a strong Julia, or so it would appear. Part of the power of your story is that in the end, while Grace is 'defeated', she has also stood up to Julia. The role of Julia is more problematic.
Code:
Grace is on the floor and starts laughing.
GRACE
You proved you can hit me? Big
deal, you know nothing about me!
Julia looks Grace in the eye.
JULIA
You’re sitting there...
contemplating suicide because Jess
beat you to the guy you never had
the guts to ask out... you think no
one cares about you... But I do...
Grace’s face fills with shock and fear.
GRACE
H..Ho...How could you know that.
If Grace already believes Julia is imaginary or a part of her subconscious, would she really be surprised? I suspect Grace would feel more shame or guilt for not being more courageous. Julia comes out and says something Grace didn't expect that she cares for Grace.
Like an older sister, Julia is both overbearing and protective. That's a powerful combo that--even in your short--I think works to your advantage to develop. Julia is powerful and direct which comes out in her speech and manners. The ending conveys that raw protectiveness.
I might have a female friend read it outloud so you can hear the flow of pages 1-5. The elements are present in pages 4 and 5. I might shift the dialogue a bit to make Julia shift from controlling to cajoling to defensive and finally protective of Grace. Julia might even comfort Grace, seeing her as fragile perhaps even to pity her.
I would also give a casual hint in this section. Julia might remark casually about life being better off without Jess or Sam and without her around. It's innocent enough. Then she disappears. Then the ending makes that comment come into focus more ominously. I think you've really made Grace more real. I'd just put a few final touches to Julia.
In the nine pages, I have a much clearer sense of who they are, the struggles, and the conflict. The pacing is much better. I think you have a strong short.
Im still working on my next draft, ive added a new but in to the short involing a picture. However im unsure on what ways to make Julias charcter stronger. Ive added a line about her saying that Grace would be better of without her Jess and Sam. Im wondering what other ways i could strengthen Julia tho. any tips?
