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critique Infinitus Short SciFi Script Feedback

ShortFilmSensei

ShortFilmSensei

I'm really looking to revitalize the dialogue in this script. I am not good at dialogue (I don't socialize much). Knowing that is my weak point, could anyone give this script a read and help me improve the dialogues a little?

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Infinitus Revision 6.pdf

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If you have any other form of feedback that you think could help (this will be filming in October/November), please share.
 
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👍 Interesting story! Not sure that I'm particularly well-qualified in "dialogue" but here are some observations (in chronological order) specific to the words in the dialogue:

(1) page 4, John's VO (part 1) - "you will have noticed that I'm gone" : we don't know what kind of a person John is, but it seems weird that he'd think that his wife had only "noticed" that he was not there without doing anything about it. This clashes with her waking up and immediately knowing that he'd gone outside.
(2) page 4, John's VO (part 2) - use of the word "Hey" : sounds too flippant in a letter that would have been written with a heavy heart ; would be more natural when writing to start with "Do you remember ..."
(3) page 5, Rachel calling on the radio - "Chris!? Chris, this is Rachel. Come in." : anyone used to communicating by radio would stick with the protocol "Gamma bunker, this is Delta 26, come in." until they got a response. There's nothing in the story to suggest that Chris is the only other living person within range, so Rachel wouldn't know who might respond; but if he is the only other person, why would she start with the formal protocol? Also
(4) page 5, Chris responding - "Yes... Yes Rachel, what is it? Is everything alright?" You've set things up such that it seems like the world/solar system is collapsing, and that radio comms are/have become very unreliable, so [a] Chris would respond using a formal protocol ("Delta 26, this is Gamma ; Delta 26, this is Gamma.") and wait for a confirmatory response before continuing; and Chris is "tired" so this call is obviously unexpected - he would expect things not to be alright. I'd re-write all this sequence along these lines:
RACHEL: Gamma bunker, this is Delta 26, come in.
RACHEL: Gamma bunker, this is Delta 26, come in.
RACHEL: Gamma bunker, this is Delta 26, come in.
CHRIS: Delta 26, this is Gamma ; Delta 26, this is Gamma.
RACHEL: Chris? Chris, this is Rachel.
CHRIS: Rachel, what is it?
RACHEL: I want to launch the ship.

The next series of exchanges also needs to be broken up into really short sentences. You can use the inherent choppiness and static of the radio comms to enhance Chris's confusion about what Rachel's planning to do, i.e. she/we can't tell whether he didn't hear her, or whether he's lost for words.

(5) page 7, Chris giving instruction - "You are going to need a soldering iron and a cutting torch, do you have one?" : Rachel and John appear to be engineers or applied physicists, and are living alone in a challenging environment; Chris wouldn't waste radio time asking if she had any of these basic tools available - he'd just tell her what to do, and assume she knew what tool to use and where to find it. If you're going straight into the timelapse/montage, it would be truer to the situation (and validate Rachel's skills) if you replaced this sentence with something like
CHRIS: Alright Rachel. I can tell you how to wire a control system, if you can figure out how to fit a seat between the throttle sensors and the flux capacitor ...

(6) page 11, Aurora's poem "How swiftly I will soar to thee..." : I think it would be good to have Rachel say this line too, at the same time - it would explain why Aurora breaks off to ask "Mommy?" and more neatly lead to Rachel finishing the verse on her own.

That'll do for now. I'm supposed to be writing my own stuff this morning ... :coffee:
 
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Quite some time later ... :blush:

As above - definitely more balanced than the previous version, and the exchange between Rachel and Chris comes across as much more realistic.

There are a few inconsistencies that you need to address :
(1) how far down is the bunker? In describing Rachel's exit, it reads like the bunker is more or less at ground level; but later she's in an elevator;
(2) when she wakes and looks at John's bed, she sees nothing but a "cold nest" but when she returns after her expedition, there's a tape player "in his place" (?in the bedroom)
(3)Tape player ...? :hmm:

John's soliloquy is more moving, more intense, but that "Hey" still bothers me. Also, the word "exuberant" doesn't feel right in that context. This version is a great improvement on the last one, but it still feels like a written note (e.g. signing off "Love, John" - who says that out loud?) What was your plan for recording this? Assuming the dead John doesn't have to be the same person whose voice we hear on the tape, I think this would be the kind of "general guideline" text to give to a good voice artist and let them find the right words.

From the screenplay, it's not entirely clear how the bunker's laid out, so the "push into Aurora's room" is difficult to visualise; but that's something you'll deal with in storyboarding, I presume. :cool:

My visualisation of Rachel's approach to the black hole, especially the spinning shield, is heavily contaminated by the sequence in Contact where Dr. Arroway's sphere is energised and travels through the wormhole. You might want to tread cautiously there: even if you're working with a minuscule fraction of that movie's budget, I'm expecting great things from you and would hate for you to be done for flagrant copycatting! :seeya:
 
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CelticRambler said:
Quite some time later ... :blush:
Click to expand...

Haha! I was hoping to hear from you soon.

CelticRambler said:
There are a few inconsistencies that you need to address :
(1) how far down is the bunker? In describing Rachel's exit, it reads like the bunker is more or less at ground level; but later she's in an elevator;
(2) when she wakes and looks at John's bed, she sees nothing but a "cold nest" but when she returns after her expedition, there's a tape player "in his place" (?in the bedroom)
(3)Tape player ...? :hmm:
Click to expand...

Thank you for pointing those out. Most of those have actually been ironed out through drawing the storyboards. Originally I wrote an elevator sequence, but accidentally cut that out when rewriting. I have since edited it.

The cassette player (retro/futuristic recorder) was written because we actually have that device. I felt John's narration coming from the letter would be too.... Cliche... So I changed it to a recorded audio to make the voice over more organically fit into the environment. The voice actor has already sent in the recording, and I can cut words here and there to fit.

The tape player being on the bed was a mistake. I can fix that. It will be built into a night stand next to the bed. It will give this really cool ambient blinking light while she is sleeping, and I think pay off visually.

CelticRambler said:
From the screenplay, it's not entirely clear how the bunker's laid out, so the "push into Aurora's room" is difficult to visualise; but that's something you'll deal with in storyboarding, I presume. :cool:
Click to expand...

You are right! That was written with the set layout already in mind. This 7th rewrite was made specifically with the limitations of the location in mind. Probably comes off that way because where my mind was at.

CelticRambler said:
My visualisation of Rachel's approach to the black hole, especially the spinning shield, is heavily contaminated by the sequence in Contact where Dr. Arroway's sphere is energised and travels through the wormhole. You might want to tread cautiously there: even if you're working with a minuscule fraction of that movie's budget, I'm expecting great things from you and would hate for you to be done for flagrant copycatting! :seeya:
Click to expand...

No worries here. Since I will be using practical MACRO paint FX, no sequence will look the same. It should make something completely unique and not seen in scifi films since before CGI. It should be exciting!

Thank you so much for getting back to me after some time. I greatly appreciate the helpful insights and review.
 
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