Just from reading the first two pages I can see disaster on set, and this is something that is often overlooked. The script is confusing as to who is where, and I can see cast and crew standing around trying to sort it out. That means lost time - and money - actually filming this, even with a shot list. It's just a mess.
We'll just jump in ...
PAGE 1
1. EXT. BLACK LAND/BACKYARD. LATE MORNING
BLACK LAND gives me no visual, especially if it's a backyard - and assuming it is like most average backyards. By black do you mean color of the dirt? If so, that belongs in the text. Also, avoid exact times in your slugs - LATE MORNING. This should also be in the text. Like this ...
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY
Late-morning sun on blackened earth.
Next, maybe add something about the house this backyard is attached to. Your location scouts need this information.
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY
Middle-class suburban home. Late-morning sun on blackened earth.
Along those lines.
Next, you opened a whole story with a WE SEE ...
We see a family trudge along in sadness: a MAN, WOMAN (20 -40) and GIRL (11).
Seriously, lose the habit of WE SEE. I know it's in lots of produced scripts and used by 'known' writers, but I'm telling you, it's bad form, especially to open a script with it. Many will disagree, no doubt, and I really don't care. Even produced writers have bad habits.
Next, you have this family trudging along. It's a backyard, so how far can they trudge? Next you have two ages in parenthases. Are they his and hers respectively? If I were casting this, I'd be a little pissed. That and if either of the parents were in fact 20, then they had GIRL (11), when they were 9. Not unheard of, but not probable here. 20 is listed first, as is man, so, going back 11 years, do we have a 29-year-old woman and a 9-year-old boy in a relationship? Did I get this wrong?
Onward ...
Their skin is black from ash. Their eyes are red from smoke.
A child narrates slowly with a heavy rural Australian accent:CHARLIE (13). He’s from SHERINGHAM. We see Charlie and his mother LIZ (35 - 50) hanging clothes up in their backyard.
Arg. Don't tell us he's going to narrate, that will be obvious in the (V.O.). And how do we know - or even care - that he's from Sheringham? Is he wearing a tee that tells us? The audience won't have the script, so why put it in at all? All this 'junk' just slows a read and buries important information that will, as mentioned, cost a lot of time on set and pre-prod to dig out. If you're using someone else's money to do this, you need to respect every penny of it.
Next you have 'his mother'. Again, how will we know that just by looking at them? Could be his aunt, a neighbor or a stranger. Don't even put that in, and let action and dialogue work it out. Is it even important that it's his mother? Then you have Liz' age somewhere between 35 and 50. Seriously? That's a big spread. Granted some folks look great at 50, and some look like they are 50 when they are 35, but be realistic here. Just pick something in the middle that makes sense. Late 30s, early 40s can work.
Next you have 'their backyard.' Is this the same back yard as intro'd in the slug? I assume it is, so just tell us Liz hangs clothes. And, if there is so much ash around, why would she hang clothes out in it at all?
Okay, all things considered, maybe open this scene with Liz hanging clothes, Charlie is there, sees Man, Woman and Girl trudging across. This can lead into your VO. As it is, you are introducing two familes in the same action and this is just so time consuming to sort out, especially as written.
This ...
CHARLIE (V.O.)
SHERINGHAM is already full. Last thing we needed here was these fuckin’ Burn Victims.
Your VO eliminates the need for the 'A child narrates ...' No need to cap the location name, and no need to cap B and V. Also, Charlie doens't seem to be very compasionate. I guess we'll find out why later on. Oh, and just before his first dialogue, you can say he has the rural accent - assuming it is important to the script/story.
This ...
2. EXT. BURNT LAND/LOUNGE ROOM. AFTERNOON
Lounge room in a back yard? Do you mean like a sun deck or something? A porch?
Next, you jump from late morning to afternoon. That could be anywhere from an hour to 3 or 4, but the VO tells me this is continuous - or at least it reads that way to me. Here's a good example to leave that stuff off and just say DAY.
Next ...
The girl carries an old TOY, walking behind her parents.
Since you intro'd this girl as GIRL, that is her screenplay identity, so just say Girl. You don't say The Paul, so don't say The Girl either. You follow that with an ING verb, and a ref to parents. You did say 'a family trudges', but again, the audience won't have the script to follow along, so don't put this kind of clutter in the screenplay. These could be three people thrown together after a tragic event. Happens.
This ...
Charlie sits in his lounge room, reading an old CRICKET BOOK.[/I]
Is it Charlie's lounge room? Like a personal space? Losing me here. I think I'm still outside, no? So, while Liz hangs clothes - seemingly unaware of the the three trudging across the yard - Charlie has moved to some kind of porch to read and watch the three continue their journey. This must be a really big yard, but there is zero indication of that or the home it is attached to. I will have to assume this is a massive backyard, likely no fence or a neighbor nearby??
This ...
CHARLIE (V.O.)I know GOLCONDA - their home andshit burnt down.. But we shouldn’t be the ones that have to save ‘em.
Since you capped the other location, I will assume GOLCONDA is another. And I will assume everybody's home in that location burned (burnt) down.
This ...
3. EXT/INT. BURNT LAND/KITCHEN. DUSK
This is just bad. From the following text, I - again - assume Charlie is watching the family continue to trudge around the back yard via a kitchen window. Just put INT and tell us he's watching, unless you want to show both INT and EXT shots? The fact that you have Girl, Man and Woman talking, but no actual dialogue, I yet again assumed it was clear their jaws were moving, but we just can't hear what they are saying - because they are being watched from an interior location. That and it's now dusk. A lot of time has passed here. Are things that slow in Australia, at least in satire? You did say Charlie has a rural accent, so maybe this is the outback? Clean this up before cameras roll.
The girl talks to her toy. Her parents still ahead of her talk solemnly between them.
Again, call her Girl, not The girl. And stick with Man and Woman as intro'd. There is zero proof so far that they are the parents. And, since we cannot hear them, 'solemn' is a stretch.
Charlie sits between his mother Liz and his father BOB (40-60) eating DINNER.
Lose the mother and father refs. Again, no way to know that unless you make it know via action or dialogue - or signs. This could be an aunt and uncle. No need to cap DINNER here. And give BOB an age. Between 40 and 60 is just ridiculous.
This ...
CHARLIE (V.O.)Golconda is across the MERSEY Riverhere sorry. Heaps far away. Over the water and over the mountains.
No caps on the locations, especially in dialogue.
This ...
The man turns to the girl and repeats what he just said tothe woman.
What???? Okay, we are back outside, but we have no idea what The man said to The woman, so no idea what he is saying to The girl (please lose the THE in all these. Really sloppy writing). Okay, I'll make something up in my head and move on then?
I'm not trying to be sarcastic or cruel here, but there is just so much missing and assumed.
This ...
Bob asks Liz to pass him a dish of POTATOES. Liz scolds him.
Um, why not just put that in proper dialogue format - under character headings? And what exacly does Liz say to him, and why scold him for asking for the potatoes? Seems innocent enough.
CHARLIE (V.O.)People here have always been talkin’about how fire was gonna roar up there and melt everythin’, melt the mountains, the birds and everythin’else too, not just burn it.
Best dialogue so far. Punctuation needs attention, but the dialogue is somewhat intriguing.
