This was not written using screenwriting software. It was written using Google Docs. The funny thing is initially I had all the names capitalized during the writing process, however, I removed the CAPS when I rewrote the scenes. Originally I did have scene descriptions but I removed those too.First things first, I am not in any way, shape, or form a professional screenwriter. Any and all critiques I provide are just my amatuer opinion and should be treated as such.
There is a lot to unpack here. Are you using screenwriting software? If so, which one? I ask because your scene headers are not in the correct format. You have EX-ST for every scene. My guess is you mean the scene set exterior street, and it seems it takes place at night. That would be written as "EXT. STREET - NIGHT".
I'm only on page 1 and you have 8 numbered scenes that are all listed as EX-ST. It should be "EXT. STREET - NIGHT" and just describe the action and scene.
Speaking of scene descriptions, you have none. I have no idea where this is going down. Is it an inner city slum? Is it Beverly Hills? What would the camera see and hear in that setting?
When you introduce a character, you put their name in CAPS the first time. You should also give a little description of the characters.
You write, "Daegon is continually wailed on as he looks toward Edward." Why is looking toward Edward? I get that they know each other, but maybe put a bit more into it such as he looks to Edward imploringly.
That's it for page 1 so far. Let me know when you do another run through and I'll check it out.
https://www.scriptreaderpro.com/free-screenwriting-software is a link to an article on the Script Reader Pro website that lists 10 completely free programs for screenwriting. I have the Pro (paid) version of Highland and like it, although I currently use Final Draft because it is the industry standard. I also have a legacy version of Celtx and liked it as well. It is no longer free.This was not written using screenwriting software. It was written using Google Docs. The funny thing is initially I had all the names capitalized during the writing process, however, I removed the CAPS when I rewrote the scenes. Originally I did have scene descriptions but I removed those too.
I don't remember exactly what inspired me to write this ... . Please give advice on what I can improve on.
Thanks for telling me. This was my first time attempting to write a screenplay so this is a learning experience for me.The first thing would be do be clear in your mind what "this" is. As Lucky Hardwood says, it's not formatted as a screenplay, and if it meant to be a screen play, there's simultaneously too much detail (repetition) and not enough (character descriptions); but neither is it a logline or even a plot synopsis. It might be a shot-list, in which case it's very short on necessary shooting detail, and would be a stage too far along the production timeline if there's nothing else to go with it - it's two scenes, about 2 minutes max (probably more like one with fast-paced editing), and no particular beginning or end.
It could serve as a useful exercise piece, as there's plenty of scope for trying out different lighting arrangements and camera angles, but in that case there'd be no particular reason to shoot both scenes.
You might want to review some of the vocab too - "Daegon is continually wailed on ... The men finally stop their wailing." The context suggests this should be shouted at and shouting. Further on "A Hand is shown fiddling around" - if the search is as desperate as described, then fiddling is too weak a description. There are various other phrases that are not quite right, but how much they're off by depends on what sort of document the text is supposed to be.
this is a learning experience for me
Well, I read it. Umm, it is not something I would call Yakuza movies or mystery movies. It is not formatted so it is not a prose, neither a real script. Well, anyway, a first step into a .. mystery or Yakuza movies. BTW, Brother is best yakuza movie, some of them are plain unwatchable because of sheer violence.I don't remember exactly what inspired me to write this but I believe it was Yakuza movies and mystery movies. I've not worked on it much since then November, but I considered working on it some more. Please give advice on what I can improve on. Thanks!
Personally I find Battles without Honor and Humanity better but I think brother is really good as well. Thanks for the reply btw.Well, I read it. Umm, it is not something I would call Yakuza movies or mystery movies. It is not formatted so it is not a prose, neither a real script. Well, anyway, a first step into a .. mystery or Yakuza movies. BTW, Brother is best yakuza movie, some of them are plain unwatchable because of sheer violence.
A note on free/online learning; use caution when selecting those you choose to learn from. Anyone who has never sold a single screenplay (like me) teaching you to become a successful screenwriter should seem suspect at best.
I understand that now. I’m thankful for everyone telling me it was improperly formatted.You'll find that most folks here on IndieTalk are very honest about their experience with a given craft. There are a few professional writers here who are very willing to share their expertise. However, you MUST have proper format, etc. before they will dig into your work; they could waste their lives reading crappy screenplays, so at the minimum you need to do all the "right things" to even get them past the first two lines. It's even more important if you want to make screenwriting your craft; you'll never get past the people who vet scripts to pass on for even minimal consideration. If the format, etc. is incorrect you've already marked yourself as a lazy amateur and may not even get a second chance.
And now for one of Uncle Bobs favorite aphorisms...
Opinions are like a$$holes; everybody has one and they all stink.
Probably the hardest thing to learn in any profession is to differentiate between professional, honest critiques an the clueless amateurs or envious anal sphincters who just want to trash you.