critique I wrote this a couple of months ago, please critique.

I don't remember exactly what inspired me to write this but I believe it was Yakuza movies and mystery movies. I've not worked on it much since then November, but I considered working on it some more. Please give advice on what I can improve on. Thanks!
 

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First things first, I am not in any way, shape, or form a professional screenwriter. Any and all critiques I provide are just my amatuer opinion and should be treated as such.
There is a lot to unpack here. Are you using screenwriting software? If so, which one? I ask because your scene headers are not in the correct format. You have EX-ST for every scene. My guess is you mean the scene set exterior street, and it seems it takes place at night. That would be written as "EXT. STREET - NIGHT".
I'm only on page 1 and you have 8 numbered scenes that are all listed as EX-ST. It should be "EXT. STREET - NIGHT" and just describe the action and scene.
Speaking of scene descriptions, you have none. I have no idea where this is going down. Is it an inner city slum? Is it Beverly Hills? What would the camera see and hear in that setting?
When you introduce a character, you put their name in CAPS the first time. You should also give a little description of the characters.
You write, "Daegon is continually wailed on as he looks toward Edward." Why is looking toward Edward? I get that they know each other, but maybe put a bit more into it such as he looks to Edward imploringly.
That's it for page 1 so far. Let me know when you do another run through and I'll check it out.
 
First things first, I am not in any way, shape, or form a professional screenwriter. Any and all critiques I provide are just my amatuer opinion and should be treated as such.
There is a lot to unpack here. Are you using screenwriting software? If so, which one? I ask because your scene headers are not in the correct format. You have EX-ST for every scene. My guess is you mean the scene set exterior street, and it seems it takes place at night. That would be written as "EXT. STREET - NIGHT".
I'm only on page 1 and you have 8 numbered scenes that are all listed as EX-ST. It should be "EXT. STREET - NIGHT" and just describe the action and scene.
Speaking of scene descriptions, you have none. I have no idea where this is going down. Is it an inner city slum? Is it Beverly Hills? What would the camera see and hear in that setting?
When you introduce a character, you put their name in CAPS the first time. You should also give a little description of the characters.
You write, "Daegon is continually wailed on as he looks toward Edward." Why is looking toward Edward? I get that they know each other, but maybe put a bit more into it such as he looks to Edward imploringly.
That's it for page 1 so far. Let me know when you do another run through and I'll check it out.
This was not written using screenwriting software. It was written using Google Docs. The funny thing is initially I had all the names capitalized during the writing process, however, I removed the CAPS when I rewrote the scenes. Originally I did have scene descriptions but I removed those too.
 
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You generally want to cut out anything non-essential, but you still want to make it an interesting read. If you're writing this to film yourself, all you need is the minimum road map you, as the Director, require to realize your vision. If, however, you are writing this to get better at writing screenplays or for possible sale, you will want to adhere to the standard conventions of the form.
 
You only capitalize the character's name the first time you introduce them. After that, you write them normally.
This was not written using screenwriting software. It was written using Google Docs. The funny thing is initially I had all the names capitalized during the writing process, however, I removed the CAPS when I rewrote the scenes. Originally I did have scene descriptions but I removed those too.
https://www.scriptreaderpro.com/free-screenwriting-software is a link to an article on the Script Reader Pro website that lists 10 completely free programs for screenwriting. I have the Pro (paid) version of Highland and like it, although I currently use Final Draft because it is the industry standard. I also have a legacy version of Celtx and liked it as well. It is no longer free.
There are numerous online resources to learn how to write a screenplay, from structure and pacing to subplot and tone. Do a little searching and I'm sure you'll come up with more knowledge than you can absorb in a year.
 
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A note on free/online learning; use caution when selecting those you choose to learn from. Anyone who has never sold a single screenplay (like me) teaching you to become a successful screenwriter should seem suspect at best.
 
I don't remember exactly what inspired me to write this ... . Please give advice on what I can improve on.

The first thing would be do be clear in your mind what "this" is. As Lucky Hardwood says, it's not formatted as a screenplay, and if it meant to be a screen play, there's simultaneously too much detail (repetition) and not enough (character descriptions); but neither is it a logline or even a plot synopsis. It might be a shot-list, in which case it's very short on necessary shooting detail, and would be a stage too far along the production timeline if there's nothing else to go with it - it's two scenes, about 2 minutes max (probably more like one with fast-paced editing), and no particular beginning or end.

It could serve as a useful exercise piece, as there's plenty of scope for trying out different lighting arrangements and camera angles, but in that case there'd be no particular reason to shoot both scenes.

You might want to review some of the vocab too - "Daegon is continually wailed on ... The men finally stop their wailing." The context suggests this should be shouted at and shouting. Further on "A Hand is shown fiddling around" - if the search is as desperate as described, then fiddling is too weak a description. There are various other phrases that are not quite right, but how much they're off by depends on what sort of document the text is supposed to be.
 
The first thing would be do be clear in your mind what "this" is. As Lucky Hardwood says, it's not formatted as a screenplay, and if it meant to be a screen play, there's simultaneously too much detail (repetition) and not enough (character descriptions); but neither is it a logline or even a plot synopsis. It might be a shot-list, in which case it's very short on necessary shooting detail, and would be a stage too far along the production timeline if there's nothing else to go with it - it's two scenes, about 2 minutes max (probably more like one with fast-paced editing), and no particular beginning or end.

It could serve as a useful exercise piece, as there's plenty of scope for trying out different lighting arrangements and camera angles, but in that case there'd be no particular reason to shoot both scenes.

You might want to review some of the vocab too - "Daegon is continually wailed on ... The men finally stop their wailing." The context suggests this should be shouted at and shouting. Further on "A Hand is shown fiddling around" - if the search is as desperate as described, then fiddling is too weak a description. There are various other phrases that are not quite right, but how much they're off by depends on what sort of document the text is supposed to be.
Thanks for telling me. This was my first time attempting to write a screenplay so this is a learning experience for me.
 
this is a learning experience for me

Nothing wrong with learning from experience! The trick is to try to learn as much as possible from other people's experience. ;) Have a look through some older screenplay review posts and you'll pick up a lot of tips and suggestions on every aspect, from formatting to pacing to structure.

Most importantly, though, you'll get more useful criticism (though not necessarily less harsh :cry: ) if you can frame your request in a particular context, e.g. how do I format this as a screen play? is this complete enough for a competition entry? can I rewrite any scene to save on cost? If you've watched enough making ofs, you'll know that there's always something that could be improved! :director:
 
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