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critique I would love honest feedback on this synopsis

From what I gather in screenwriting books, it's a common mistake to start writing the screenplay before you have a good title + logline + synopsis. I think of this as the 3x combo. Therefore, I'm not starting before I get feedback on my project. I see this as a drama/action/comedy.

Title: The Pedophile Crusher

Logline 1: When a pro MMA fighter’s daughter is kidnapped and killed by a powerful pedophile ring, he will do anything to avenge her.

Logline 2: As a pro MMA fighter’s daughter is kidnapped and killed by a powerful pedophile ring, he has a mental breakdown. He must break out of the high security psyche ward, run by the sadistic doctor that ordered the kidnapping, and avenge his daughter.

Synopsis (498 words): Life is good for Thor Thorson. As a happy father of a 5-year-old daughter, an appreciated teacher at the local elementary school, and a skilled MMA fighter – Thor is kicking ass on a daily basis.

On the way home from the local animal store, Thor gets caught in the doorway as four men rush out of a van with tinted windows and grab his daughter. Thor explodes through the door and drops the first man like a sack of potatoes. He fights off the other guys, but must rush his daughter’s lifeless body to the hospital.

As he finds out she was dosed with the short acting sedative Propofol – and is going to be okay – the police on site disappear around a corner with his daughter. A chase through the hospital leads to a car chase, and his daughter dies on impact when colliding with a large truck.

Thor loses his mind and is commited to a high security psyche ward, run by the sadistic doctor that ordered the kidnapping of his daughter. As a drugged up Thor manages to save a young girl from being raped by the doctor twice, he and his newfound hippie hacker friend – Bob – manages to escape with the girl.

The girls dad – a retired vet – is so thankful he wants to help them out with all his gear and military equipment. Bob uses his hacking skills to break into the doctors phone, and see that the next kidnapping target is a student of Thor. They show up with all their gear and proceed to kill the van guys and demolish their van.

High on adrenaline, they go to a strip club and party hard. Right as Thor bonds with a stripper he’s seen before, the police raid the place with a big SWAT team. Thor, Bob, the old man and Thors stripper friend is arrested. They put Thor alone in the cell and start to beat on him. The other three, chained to a radiator in the main room, start to make so much noise people outside peer through the windows.

After much commotion, the police realize they are out of options and let them go. After getting their stuff, they come back, break in through the fire exit, kill the police, and free Thor.

They are met by the FBI, who isn’t happy, but agree to not charge them as long as they tell them everything they know. They did, after all, risk their lives taking out an evil pedophile ring. Thors only demand is that he gets the doctor. They go to a local MMA show and sign them up to fight. The announcer introduces Thor as “The Pedophile Crusher”, and the pot-bellied doctor as “The Serial Child Molester”. Thor beats him into the ground.

Thor gets his class back. A year later, Thor is 7-0 in professional MMA. Bob, the old man, and Thors stripper friend is there to cheer him on.
 
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What do you think a peadophile ring is?

There was a big public crack down on peadophiles in my town, non of them where speaking or hanging out in person (never mind getting together to plan high level crimes) and they dont go round 'kidnapping' children, that would be litrally insane and kidnapped (75% of child kidnappings are by family or very close family friends) so 'rings' are actually just online illegal child porn sharing sites and the poor children in the videos are not 'kidnapped' they unfortunately are abused by people legitimately in their lives with power over them (family, gardians, teachers etc... people with access and oppitunity)

Your plot summary feels like it lacks real motive, lacks understanding of its centeral premis on 'peadophilia and is unnessaserily violant for the sake of shock value etc... peadophilia, child murder, strippers, MMA (all just 'shocking' buzzwords that sound like the hormonal fueled dreams of a teen boy and way too much hypertestosterone to cram into one story)

If you are hoping to eventually make a movie too then it not a good writing choice... you would need access to prison, a hospital, closed roads for car chases and you would have to put a very young child star in a very adult situation with is extreamly hard to well balence

Try thinking up a story that can happen in one location (that you can access) which cuts out virtually all 'action' scripts but if you like 'shock' then maybe try studying scripts like the original Saw movie or even Human Centipede which are mostly 1 location scripts.
If the MMA side is your passion it would likely be better to do a classic underdog story like Rocky or Fighting with my family.

just keep it simple and remember -
* 1 location (a house, a forrest, a car if you have one etc...)
* minimal cast (1-4 main characters, no scenes with armys or full nightclubs etc...)
* accessible props (I believe it was Nolan that said to use a hammer not a gun etc...)
* show action but not 'action' (your character should physically move not just 'talk' staticly but action doesnt need to mean car chases and shoot outs, something as simple as stirring the cup of tea in 'get out' is action)

If you can get access to a 'prison-esq' set (maybe like a police interview room, clean and simple) you could explore the concept of an imprisoned MMA fighter (possibly for accidental manslaughter etc...) grieving missing the death of his daughter because he was locked up etc... I really dont think you need the 'peadophile' angle and car chases etc... though

good luck :)
 
I was lost on "powerful pedophile ring" and stopped reading. I suggest reediting the details of the story (did not look into story itself as it seems like a quite usual one), but it is better if common sense prevails in those first lines.
 
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