critique How to write an alien ship taking someone hostage/ disappearing someone?

[scrawlx1012]

​

https://www.reddit.com/r/Screenwriting/search?q=flair_name:"FEEDBACK"&restrict_sr=1
So as a basis for the short film I'm writing, its about a young man who disguises himself as an electrician to infiltrate the house of the politician he feels is responsible for his wife's disappearance - my main problem is how to communicate her disappearance seeing as she is vanished from existence courtesy of an alien ship.
So far I have:
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
SIA MATTHEWS (25) watches KANE snore heavily on the couch. She snuggles up close to him.
Kane is still snoring.
Sia waves a hand up and down.
Still nothing.
Sia checks her phone: no internet.
Sia stares at Kane, a smile curling on her lips.
She flicks his nose.
Kane bolts up.
KANE
Who's there?
Sia snorts.
Kane glares at Sia.
KANE
Why did you --
Sia grabs Kane's chin.
KANE
Okay, is this what we're doing --
SIA
I could do with some chopped fruit.
Kane double takes.
KANE
Really? That's what you woke me up for?
SIA
It's for the baby.
Kane softens slightly as he stares at Sia's stomach.
SIA
I'll let you feel the kick. After all, with the world going to pieces having a healthy baby is our top priority right?
KANE
I guess but not like the kid's going to have much of a future thanks to these mysterious overlords --
Sia claps her hand and shakes her head.
Kane sighs.
KANE
Your right. Happy thoughts only.
SIA
I know that's right! Anyway. What's on the menu chef?
Kane lets out a drawn out sigh, a smile on his face.
KANE
Fine. Any special requests?
SIA
Oranges.
KANE
Coming right up.
Kane heaves himself up from the couch. Sia grabs his arm and kisses his hand.
Kane pulls away in good humour and strides towards the corridor.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Kane grabs a pair of oranges and unripens them.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Sia reaches for the remote but sweats bullets.
She slowly heaves herself out of her seat, rubbing her stomach.
Sia slowly hobbles to the corridor and peeks at Kane dancing as he chops the oranges.
Sia smiles.
SIA
Gosh, he's such a keeper.
Sia waddles towards the back garden door.
We see a phone on the table vibrate and read the following message:
'Erasure imminent. Do not go outdoors'.
INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
Kane walks with a beaming smile on his face, holding a bowl of chopped oranges.
A large FLASH OF LIGHT.
Kane drops the bowl and scrambles towards the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Kane bursts into the living room. Eyes darting everywhere, Sia is nowhere to be found.
We hear a laugh.
Kane looks up and smiles as Sia points at him through the glass doors of the back garden.
SIA
You really thought I got erased? Please, the government wish they could get rid of me!
Kane slowly walks closer towards the door when...Sia warps out of existence.
Kane stumbles back as if he's taken a punch to the gut. His eyes widen in shock as it slowly dawns on him.
Sia has been ERASED.
My main questions are:
How would I adjust this to be more vivid?
Any movies which have done the whole beamed up by an alien force on a low budget?
Any other advice I would be grateful for?
Also, for a short film would it be better to start from the point of the revenge taking place - with Kane already infiltrating the politician's house or do you think I need this exposition for the first act?

 

[mlesemann]

I can't comment on the technical/DP side of things but a few thoughts on the writing.

The exposition is MUCH too long.

I suggest that you start with the break in, then establish (1) the existence of the erasures in principle and (2) jeopardy/risk of discovery for Kane.

The first point can be done in any one of several ways, including the (presumably) pompous politician watches a streaming report about the erasures, Kane's phone buzzing with a report of additional erasures with the noise putting him in jeopardy, a group of protesters chanting "Stop Erasures Now!" as they march down the street etc.

On the second point, I suggest that someone should immediately discover and question him, with his fumbling response suggesting that he's lying but he doesn't get caught because the person is too self-absorbed to recognize what's going on. Make it clear that these are rich & important gov't types who are far too important to spend time on an electrician - which of course is what he's counting on.

As Kane catches his breath and (perhaps?) looks at a picture of her on his phone to remind himself why he's doing this, flash back BRIEFLY to her being disappeared.

Keep the scene very brief. Maybe she's sitting in a chair and taking a nap. She wakes, rubs her belly. He kisses her and brings her the bowl of fruit. And as he watches, she disappears. It could be POOF she's gone. Or fade away to nothing.

Either way, if you have already established the idea that people are being erased, it will be clear.

In a more old fashioned & grabbing people fashion, the government of Argentina did this in the late 1970's.

Obviously just my thoughts

Good luck!

 

[Nate North]

I tend to agree with Mara here.

I think a lot of writing modern scripts comes down to efficiency, and "show don't tell" is effectively just "using the full bandwidth of the medium". If you spend 3 minutes conveying information verbally, or through exposition, you should always be asking yourself "Is there a way to communicate all this information in 1 minute, using the visual channel to skillfully communicate anything that doesn't HAVE to be said outright?"

I'd add that it can be a real turning point in one's writing, when you fully embrace the idea that the audience would much prefer to work out what's going on for themselves, and have a better experience during moments when the film's world is obvious to them based on what's happening on screen, rather than having to have it described to them, or "told" through exposition.

Skillfully leading the audience to make their own conclusions that support the story is a far superior route than simply telling them what you want them to think. This is why people use the term "lazy exposition", because it's much easier on the writer and harder on the audience than the other way.

Never say with a paragraph what you could say with a smirk, a wink, or an insert shot. These tools are faster, and they give you more control over your pacing, and they respect the audiences time. Ever watch a movie and think, wow, a lot of story happened in 90 minutes, that was quite a ride. This is how you accomplish that, by moving forward quickly through deft efficient strokes.

 

[Spike]

I tend to agree with Mara here.

Me too.

And, just an idea, getting expository information from a television is kind of hoary, but it's efficient, and writers as skillful as Aaron Sorkin have done it.

Maybe something like:

Kane and Sia on a living room couch. A story on the television about the erasures. She gives him an expectant look which he seems to know, now, all to well.
Kane: "What now?"
Sia: "Oranges."
(Beat. She pats her belly)
Sia: "for the baby."
He good-naturedly, goes into the kitchen and prepares a quick fruit salad, as the news story can be heard to continue.
He retuns, and she, staring at him wide-eyed, shimmers into non-existence.

Anyway, the point is, I think, to just get it out of the way quickly: a nice little domestic scene, the information, and the disappearance. Nate is, I think, correct. We, the audience, by nature or by experience, will begin to fill in the story if we have some salient details. Once we have that, the other pieces of exposition--the political situation; the aliens; whatever--can be dropped in, here and there, in the next few sequences.

As Mara said: "obviously just my thoughts."