How did my scene come out?

[AmateurFilmmaker]

Recently I wrote a sample scene to a test screenplay to test my writing skills/practice my writing.
I want to know how it came out, and when I say that I mean to say that I primarily would like to know if the formatting came out properly. The entertainment value of screenplays differ based on their reader, and the idea of the screenplays themselves. My scene is about a fictitious character named "John Doe", who uses "IndieTalk.com" to hash out answers to a question he has regarding film making.

I used Celtx to assist in formatting it, and uploaded it to a site for you to see it as a PDF document.

Link:

http://docdro.id/qkQvXzn

I noticed a typo by one of the characters names --"User 2"-- and it regards leaving a colon where I forgot to remove it.

If you want to give feedback on my ability to tell a story/paint a picture of what's happening in a screenplay, that's welcomed as well. Primarily my goal was to know if my test scene was formatted correctly, even if the idea behind the scene/within the scene is boring, so-so, great, or bad --not meaning to repeat myself.

 

[FantasySciFi]

OMG, another newbie.

Seriously, loads of formatting errors. You only write what the viewer will see. Too much background info in the description. Be careful of punctuation. Don't put actions in the parentheticals ("wrylies"). Unless you have permission from Dell, the brand of computer will be obscured. Decide which character name you will use John Doe or AmateurFilmmaker initially. In this case, I would use the 'real' name since that's the person we see on the screen. The area of text exchanges is a new development so how it's handled can vary. I agree with John August's suggestions (http://johnaugust.com/2011/handling-ims-in-screenplays) and think it could be adapted to this situation.

You wrote:

INT. JOHN DOE'S HOME - DAY

John  also known as AMATEURFILMMAKER online as an
"IndieTalk.com" forum member, is in his home sitting in it’s
main living area. He’s sitting at a desk where his desktop
computer -the latest "Dell" PC-- is stationed, and desires
to create a "thread" to ask a filmmaking question online at
"IndieTalk.com", an online community dedicated to film
aficionados, makers, and anyone interested in film. He logs
into his account, and starts a new thread titled "What is
B-roll footage?". A page opens presenting to him an online
form that allows him to create a new "thread", and begins
typing in it a question to flesh out an answer from the
people of the "IndieTalk.com" community.

                            AMATEURFILMMAKER
                      (Typed into a online form for
                      posting new "threads" followed
                      by a clicked submission)
             Hey, Does anyone here know what
             B-roll footage is?

USER 1 an "IndieTalk.com" forum member responds.

                             USER 1
                    (In response --typed)
             Oh God, another newbie?

USER 2 an "IndieTalk.com" forum member responds.

                            USER 2:
                    (In response --typed)
             Everyone has to start somewhere.

USER 3 an "IndieTalk.com" forum member responds.

                            USER 3
                    (In response --typed)
             It’s the footage in a video that’s
             visible when A-roll footage isn’t
             visible.
...

Using August's approach, it might appear:

INT. JOHN DOE'S HOME - DAY

JOHN DOE sits at a desk in his main living area in front of
a sleek new desktop computer.  He sips from his coffee as

the browser window opens to "IndieTalk.com" with its flashy
banners for an online community dedicated to film
aficionados and makers. 

He logs into his account with his moniker "AmateurFilmmaker".  
He navigates to a forum and starts a new thread titled "What is
B-roll footage?".  [Note:  Thread responses are in italics.]

On the computer -- 

AMATEURFILMMAKER:  [I]Hey, Does anyone here know what
             B-roll footage is?[/I]

USER 1:  [I]Oh God, another newbie?[/I]

USER 2:  [I]Everyone has to start somewhere.[/I]

USER 3:  [I]It’s the footage in a video that’s visible when 
              A-roll footage isn't visible.[/I]
...

Notice also there was a lot of background detail that the audience can't see. It doesn't belong in the script. If it's important, suggest how it can be seen or heard. On the computer suggests that all this is typed, so we don't need to repeat that. Break up the actions into visible shots. The slugline already says it's his home, so it doesn't need to be repeated. Keep descriptions clean and succinct to what is relevant. Remember, the location details will probably change in actual production. You tend to repeat a lot of info, so that's something you'll want to catch.

 

[WhiteOpus]

As an audience member i wouldn't read through all that, which is essentially what you're asking...unless John Doe is reading the responses out loud. Anyone can do a 5-second google search on what b-roll is, it doesn't really require a custom explanation. The scene seems to take place exclusively on a computer, so what's the plan for visuals here? Just a bunch of shots of the indietalk homepage and his scrolling through responses, maybe cutting away to reaction closeups? Just seems like a bad way to go about exercising your ability to write a scene for a script, as it doesn't evoke any images or emotions because of the impersonal, anonymous nature of the internet and the fact that the conversation happens exclusively on a computer screen.

 

[AmateurFilmmaker]

Is there anything that's correct about my writing? I feel some things shown must be correct.

 

[WhiteOpus]

The formatting is good! I just wasn't engaged by the story or descriptions of the scene. It was a little wordy and the "dialogue" felt stilted. Keep going though! I'm terrible at dialogue.

 

[FantasySciFi]

Recently I wrote a sample scene to a test screenplay to test my writing skills/practice my writing. ... If you want to give feedback on my ability to tell a story/paint a picture of what's happening in a screenplay, that's welcomed as well. Primarily my goal was to know if my test scene was formatted correctly, even if the idea behind the scene/within the scene is boring, so-so, great, or bad --not meaning to repeat myself.

There are three aspects to each screenplay--structure, formatting and story. While CeltX can help with proper indentions and spacing, it relies on the writer to know what to put in the sluglines, the character names, description/action lines, etc. Anything that was not mentioned as being wrong is likely right format wise.

You did not request comment on the scene storywise. However, as WhiteOpus mentioned, it is just a dry exchange with little character development. It's more like "talking fingers" instead of "talking heads". It doesn't seem very purposeful. And the exchanges are redundant. Why is the discussion of the B-roll relevant to your character and thus to the audience? Because of the redundant, on-the-nose nature of the exchanges, it suffers poor pacing. So it suffers structurally.

Is there anything that's correct about my writing? I feel some things shown must be correct.

I figured this was just a quick formatting question about treating IMs. Formatting is more than just spacing. It also includes the treatment of the elements--what goes in the slugline, parentheticals, etc. Praising CeltX for putting things on the page where they belong is rather pointless. Learning to structure the content you put in those places is more important. That comes with more practice. Good luck.