How can I write this scene so it does not come off as forced?

[harmonica44]

I showed a script to some fellow filmmakers to get their opinions and there is one scene that does not make sense they said. In the scene a detective comes to question a witness about a case. The witness is going to testify against a defendant who is arrested. However, the defendant's lawyer is there, when the detective comes to question her.

The detective sees them talking and observes from a distance. He cannot hear what they are saying cause they think that they are alone and are talking about something much more sinister. The detective has a hunch that the witness knows the lawyer on more personal terms, than just a lawyer coming to ask questions about the case. He takes this hunch to his superiors saying that the lawyer and the witness looked like they know each other and are may have a set up in the works as part of a bigger, diabolical plan.

The superiors act on this, and set up a sting operation to smoke them both out. However, I was told that this comes off as forced, as the detective would not get such a hunch, just from looking at two people talking without being able to hear anything. Also, the hunch itself is a bit of stretch, and the superior officers, would not launch a sting, on the defendant's lawyer in the case, because of a mere stretched hunch, from one cop, and nothing else to go on.

What do you think? Does this not work, and I have to rewrite it?

 

[joejohn123]

Yes, that's right. The lawyer is not the witnesses lawyer. The witness saw the defendant commit a crime. So the lawyer is going to ask the witness questions, as it's his job, but he's actually working with the witness in collusion of a crime they are both part of. I can write so that it's not in a police station, but since I am on a tight budget, I was hoping to use the station to double for other scenes, so I won't have to use more locations. I can have it be more than a hunch but the lawyer and witness are not going to be dumb enough to talk about it, when others can hear.

Also I don't want the audience to find out that they are working together until after the sting, later on. I need the cop to figure out that they are working together, but I do not want the audience to know. Then later, when the audience sees that they are working together, they will say "Ohh, so that's what the cop was thinking when he was suspicious of the witness and the lawyer". But it's hard to write a scene where the cop discovers enough to launch a sting, in a way, in which the audience cannot figure it out. That's why I wanted to make it a hunch, so it won't be obvious, but again, a hunch is still just a hunch legally.

NOW, IT IS VERY CLEAR AND MORE CHALLENGING !!!

 

[harmonica44]

I think I misunderstood the setup with my last comment. So the lawyer is not the witness's lawyer, but is conspiring with the witness rather than the defendant? In that case can't you just have them seen talking in a different setting altogether, rather than in the legally protected confines of a police station, as they have no formal connection anyway? Even then, though, a "hunch" is unlikely to be enough to start a sting operation.

You need to relax/remove the permissions on your Google Drive file, by the way.

I wrote it this way originally, but readers said that it does not work, because when the cop sees the lawyer talking to the witness, he would naturally assume that the lawyer has come to talk to her about the case. He would not get a suspicious feeling so deep, that he could legally launch a sting out of it. So how can I make it work? I have tried rewriting it a few ways, but it seems that in the eyes of the law the conversation is protected since it's a lawyer conducting his case, and his own words cannot be used as evidence cause it's protected.

It seems that unless I write it so the lawyer actually admits his collusion in a conspiracy (which he has no motive to do really), than legally it cannot work, so I am not sure how to approach it, so the cop actually has enough to go on, than just a mere hunch.

 

[Sweetie]

It's the IT meme. Instead of being Rick Rolled, you've been h44'd.