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Help with first script

419 Films

419 Films

Greetings, all.

I've written a short script, and, while I've read a fair bit on script formatting, this is the first time I've really tried to put something down. I was wondering if any of the wonderfully helpful people here would be interested in taking a quick look at it (it's a mere 3 pages atm, including title page). Let me know what I got right, what I got wrong, and where I may be able to improve.

It's on Google Docs as a PDF. http://bit.ly/CanYouSeeMe

Thank you all in advance!
 
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Man... dark beginning.

Although, I like it a lot. I'm not really seeing anything wrong with it, then again I may be mediocre. I've never really received "awards" or "praise" for my screenplays. But I do enjoy it. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with the story and how it plays out. Poor Shae.
 
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One thing I probably should have mentioned: I'm planning on this being a very short piece - a couple of minutes, at best. Though I do want to flesh it out a bit more, this is pretty much the whole deal.
 
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I don't like the ending.
It starts as a lovely comedy with a lot of potential and then this tragic ending...

If you wanna keep the ending, change the beginning.

I'd rather you choose to go for the comedy...
 
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dude, that's amazing. like, i actually loved it. it's got the tone, emotion, and tragic loss at the end.
if i was you, i wouldn't change a thing. honestly, it was amazing.
 
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I like it. Yes it's dark but it carries a message.

Format wise, you will want to split out the actions in the paragraphs. For instance, you wrote:
Code: 
Shae comes down the same stairs, trying to look confident.
She has a paler blue outfit on, one to match her eyes. She
has her hair down, and has put on just enough make-up to
emphasize her features. She carries her folders in one hand,
and a coffee cup in the other. On the landing, she hears the
sound of running feet, and steps to the wall to avoid being
run into again. This time, Eric rushes past her from behind,
knocking her down. Folders scatter, and her coffee cup
shatters. Eric continues on, oblivious. She watches after
him, sprawled on the floor, and begins to cry.

You see that you have multiple shots in there.
Code: 
Shae comes down the same stairs, trying to look confident.
She has a paler blue outfit on, one to match her eyes. She
has her hair down, and has put on just enough make-up to
emphasize her features. She carries her folders in one hand,
and a coffee cup in the other. 

On the landing, she hears the sound of running feet, and 
steps to the wall to avoid being run into again. 

This time, Eric rushes past her from behind, knocking her 
down. 

Folders scatter, and her coffee cup shatters. 

Eric continues on, oblivious. 

She watches after him, sprawled on the floor, and begins 
to cry.
This is kind of maps out how shots might actually be seen. There are lots of feelings on this. Older scriptwriters will leave it like you wrote it. Modern screenwriters are taught to break them out. Breaking it out puts more white space in your script which most readers appreciate. You will find it useful if you are filming it yourself as it marks your shots. It also spaces the script so that it more closely follows the 1 page = 1 minute guide.

The other point is to challenge yourself to visually describe an inner emotional state. What does it mean to "try to look confident"? I think you kind of sum it up in the next couple lines of how she dressed. You might say "Shae adjusts herself and her hair. Her stride is more smooth and relaxed, glancing up. ..." Or if you feel that the lines about her blue dress are sufficient, you can drop the line.

I can understand Kinglis' point to a degree. His response at the end after having ignored her seems unwarranted. Part of me expects he'll stop for a beat then push her body aside to walk to his office. In your script, it would help to have him take notice of her peripherally but not react to her. Towards the end it seems more malicious on his part. I'm not sure that's your intent but it's the feeling it generates. I don't think you should make it a comedy but I'd tweek their contact a bit.

By having him stop and acknowledge her after he knocks her down then continue on, I don't think you lessen the ending. In fact, you almost expect they're starting to connect, so the ending becomes more dark. By having his character seem to shift more towards caring and hers shift more towards hopelessness, the ending has more a tragic air. Especially if he secretly glances up at her during one of the early incidents. It creates the illusion of a potential romance.
 
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FantasySciFi said:
By having him stop and acknowledge her after he knocks her down then continue on, I don't think you lessen the ending. In fact, you almost expect they're starting to connect, so the ending becomes more dark. By having his character seem to shift more towards caring and hers shift more towards hopelessness, the ending has more a tragic air. Especially if he secretly glances up at her during one of the early incidents. It creates the illusion of a potential romance.
Click to expand...

I like what FantasySciFi said overall, but i don't really agree with what i quoted. if you have there be potential romance, it kind of takes away from the abruptness and therefor shock of her taking that drastic measure. the whole point of her doing that is so that he can 'finally' see her, so in order for him to do that he would have had to never 'see' her before, if that makes sense.
 
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I really didn't like the ending to that. I agree with kinglis, the whole set up seems to be much more appropriate for a comedy than a tragedy, despite the apparently "sad" nature of Shae's perspective. The ending loses much of it's effect due to the brief nature of the entire piece. I'm also understanding why you'd probably choose the same staircase for each scene with the same action, but again that doesn't help set up the tragedy - tragic events in film should be lead up to, or even hinted at, whereas what you've got it a girl on a staircase who likes some douche who knocks her over and then kills herself because he doesn't notice her, which in my opinion just isn't a very good reason for killing yourself and doesn't make much sense. Having different scenes that show her one-way interaction with Eric would help lead up to it all, even perhaps making things cyclical or better showing her affection for him. For example, after going from the first stair scene you don't have to go to the next day's exact same scene, you could show her at work or wherever it was that she was going thinking about him (perhaps even finding him on a social networking site and trying to add him as a friend, or even hinting at a past with him by having something like a school photograph with him in it far away from her - something to break up the repetition).

As is, the pacing is "I'm sad, I'm sad, I'm sadder, I'm dead", and really it shouldn't be so much of a jump to find her being dead. Also, hanging herself on a public staircase seemed very out of character.

If you're still intent on doing something like that, I suggest changing the ending from

"oh no she hung herself on the stairs and he's so shocked!"
Click to expand...

to

"Eric passes two paramedics on the stairs, carrying a covered body, and knocks into the body, a limp hand knocked out from under the sheet as if trying to grasp him. He carries on up the stairs with no pause, and the camera switches to focus on the hand, as the paramedics continue on down"
Click to expand...

You could even make it readily apparent that the hand is hers by linking an object from before, perhaps having a previous scene knock off one of her rings and that same ring be on her hand in the final shot. Because really, having such a change of character at the end doesn't seem right. The shy girl suddenly goes attention deficit with the way she kills herself and the guy who showed her literally no attention suddenly is shocked? I'm not buying it. I think the guy should just repeat the same actions that he's done for the rest of the scenes and the girl should have killed herself in her own apartment.
 
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kinglis said:
I don't like the ending.
It starts as a lovely comedy with a lot of potential and then this tragic ending...

If you wanna keep the ending, change the beginning.

I'd rather you choose to go for the comedy...
Click to expand...

ThatGuyFromThatPlace said:
I really didn't like the ending to that. I agree with kinglis, the whole set up seems to be much more appropriate for a comedy than a tragedy, despite the apparently "sad" nature of Shae's perspective. The ending loses much of it's effect due to the brief nature of the entire piece. I'm also understanding why you'd probably choose the same staircase for each scene with the same action, but again that doesn't help set up the tragedy - tragic events in film should be lead up to, or even hinted at, whereas what you've got it a girl on a staircase who likes some douche who knocks her over and then kills herself because he doesn't notice her, which in my opinion just isn't a very good reason for killing yourself and doesn't make much sense. Having different scenes that show her one-way interaction with Eric would help lead up to it all, even perhaps making things cyclical or better showing her affection for him. For example, after going from the first stair scene you don't have to go to the next day's exact same scene, you could show her at work or wherever it was that she was going thinking about him (perhaps even finding him on a social networking site and trying to add him as a friend, or even hinting at a past with him by having something like a school photograph with him in it far away from her - something to break up the repetition).

As is, the pacing is "I'm sad, I'm sad, I'm sadder, I'm dead", and really it shouldn't be so much of a jump to find her being dead. Also, hanging herself on a public staircase seemed very out of character.

If you're still intent on doing something like that, I suggest changing the ending from



to



You could even make it readily apparent that the hand is hers by linking an object from before, perhaps having a previous scene knock off one of her rings and that same ring be on her hand in the final shot. Because really, having such a change of character at the end doesn't seem right. The shy girl suddenly goes attention deficit with the way she kills herself and the guy who showed her literally no attention suddenly is shocked? I'm not buying it. I think the guy should just repeat the same actions that he's done for the rest of the scenes and the girl should have killed herself in her own apartment.
Click to expand...

I disagree guys. I think its works better as a drama/tragedy. For a short I liked it. I agree with breaking up your action to mirror the shots that would be there. Spacing it out like that one) helps when estimating how much of your page will be on screen and also two) gives a better picture in the mind when each piece of significant action has its own line. Is this a feature length thing or a short?

It is however a little far fetched that she'd hang herself in the stairwell. Maybe her office could make an announcement and the guy she likes hears it. Maybe there's a memo of remembrance and when the guy stops at the front desk to pick up messages or something is where he finds out that she killed herself with the sign attached. That would stick with your message of missing life and the people you might meet when you don't slow down.
 
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While I am no doubt in the minority here, I like it, though I tend to like drearier stories.

The only thing though that I would change is instead if him looking at the ground and seeing the shoe, maybe have him trip over it and fall. When he looks up, then he will notice Shae's body hanging. But I think that it still works in that he doesn't notice her, I look at it as he would be in shock if it was anyone's body hanging there. He may not even put two and two together and realize that the note is for him. I can picture him speaking to the paramedics, as ThatGuy mentions, and saying that he's never seen her before in his life.

Though I will agree with ThatGuy in jumping from one day's staircase scene immediately to the next, I wish there was a little more in between.
 
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ThatGuyFromThatPlace said:
tragic events in film should be lead up to, or even hinted at, whereas what you've got it a girl on a staircase who likes some douche who knocks her over and then kills herself because he doesn't notice her, which in my opinion just isn't a very good reason for killing yourself and doesn't make much sense.
Click to expand...

You said it so beautifully.

When a tragic event in a story has no reason, it turns into a disappointing melodrama.
 
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I think that you might need another day of non-interaction between them. She could wear a bracelet gets knocked off her wrist the second day because the clasp breaks. The bracelet should be a charm bracelet or something that shows obvious sentimental value to the wearer. Shae could then hold the bracelet up to her wrist not realizing that the clasp is broken and we could see old scars slashed across her wrist. OR when she gets knocked down wearing the short skirt, it could pull up to reveal partially healed cuts along her inner thigh. Either of those elements will show the audience that she is emotionally disturbed. If the actions of a character seem out of character then the audience will not go along with them. I see a tremendous amount of darkness in my life and was not surprised by her suicide. I agree with you having her hang herself in the stairwell where she has created this fantasy connection with Eric. You could show the perceived connection by having on of the folders contain papers with his name written over and over again on them. I like the story, I just feel that you need to flesh it out a bit to make it more engaging.
 
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Open the doc, up around the header there's little type that states "Private only to me", click on it, another window pops up, click "Change", select the middle button "Anyone with the link", the link is saved automagically on your 'puters desktop memory but I OCD hit CTRL+C copy it anyway, then you can paste the link here.

Wah-lah!
 
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