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Help with button line

W

wheatgrinder

In this scene I have what I guess is called a button line. It references the title of the movie etc. Id like to hype it up some more.. but cant seem to drive up the energy of the scene, or make the line really "snap"..

This scene is also to functions as punctuation. It is the end of something.. new locations and objectives follow...


any ideas..?



LYNN (10), CHARLIE(70's)

EXT. CHARLIES PLACE PORCH- MORNING

CHARLIE

and, where do you think your going?

LYNN

The "Old Mill" I'm going to get my family back!

CHARLIE

...now don't go off all half cocked little girl..

Lynn rounds on Charlie, looking up to his face!

LYNN

Charlie! there haven't been any "little girls" since this started...

Charlie slumps, showing his years. Lynn steps past him, shouldering her pack she walks out the drive way.

CHARLIE

(shouting from the porch)

The Old Mill? There's nothin there...

LYNN

(over her shoulder, not looking back)

Your wrong Charlie (beat) you should'a doubled checked dads math.
 
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So I understand, you're looking for something that shows "punch" to the reader?

My obviously is thought is (dramatic pause). Maybe a (---) or (pause of understanding/recognition).


Maybe just (beat) or (dramatic beat).


Any of those work?



EDIT: btw, sent you a pm :)
 
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whada ya mean.. like this?

LYNN

Charlie! (beat) there haven't been any "little girls" since this started...

sure, helps, but it seems the line it self is lacking in "punch" If she were older Id have her swear, like

Charlie! (beat) there haven't been any "little girls" since this s**t started...
 
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This seems to have a bit more energy, funny how guns do that to a scene..



EXT. CHARLIES PLACE PORCH- MORNING

Lynn is standing on the porch, she pulls back the slide on the 9mm pistol.. Charlie steps out the screen door

CHARLIE

And where do you think your going?

LYNN

The "Old Mill"

Lynn lets the slide slam home shick-ChuCk, and holsters the weapon

LYNN

I'm going to get my family back!


CHARLIE

Hold on now little girl, ya don't wanna go off, all half cocked ..



Lynn rounds on Charlie, looking up to his face!

LYNN

Charlie! (beat) there haven't been any "little girls" since they started this!

Charlie slumps, his shoulders hunching showing his yeas. Lynn steps past him, shouldering her pack she walks out the drive way.

CHARLIE

(shouting from the porch)

The Old Mill? There's Nothing there...

LYNN

(over her shoulder, not looking back)

Your wrong Charlie, you should'a doubled checked dads math.
 
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I like where this is going :D

The (beat) does seem to add something than ... I'm guessing when Charlie! is called, the beat can be used for Charlie turning his head, then Lynn finishes the rest of the line.

Looking good so far!
 
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wheatgrinder said:
whada ya mean.. like this?

LYNN

Charlie! (beat) there haven't been any "little girls" since this started...

sure, helps, but it seems the line it self is lacking in "punch" If she were older Id have her swear, like

Charlie! (beat) there haven't been any "little girls" since this s**t started...
Click to expand...

Why not have her swear? I think it would emphasize the point of the statement. There are no "little girls" left, aka, no more innocence. So swearing would be very fitting, IMO.
 
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wheatgrinder said:
This seems to have a bit more energy, funny how guns do that to a scene..
Click to expand...

Lol, yeah just ask 'Lost' :P

It's funny, one of my pet peeves in tv/film is when someone is in a survival situation and walks by bodies or places with guns, and doesn't pick one up. I'd take as many as I could carry! I mean, I'm a pacifist, but if there are zombies everywhere, why would you stay unarmed?!

Sorry, that was OT.
 
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Dreadylocks said:
Lol, yeah just ask 'Lost' :P

It's funny, one of my pet peeves in tv/film is when someone is in a survival situation and walks by bodies or places with guns, and doesn't pick one up. I'd take as many as I could carry! I mean, I'm a pacifist, but if there are zombies everywhere, why would you stay unarmed?!

Sorry, that was OT.
Click to expand...

Thanks, Dready! Now you've given me an inspiration for a story idea of a few survivors, and one of them is a zombie, but no one knows who (ala the Thing) on a desert island :D

As for girls swearing....must be having a daughter myself, I want that innocence to stay...sigh;)
In this case, I don't see a girl "censoring" herself when she's in this situation....

What type of audience are you aiming for Wheatgrinder? I guess not the mom/dad and tot set? ;)
 
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You want to use "little girl(s)" ? Must it be a a formal parallel to the concept or could it be a bit incongruent, like, she could say: "Charlie, I haven't been a little girl since this started." Just a thought.
 
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Good points all,

Bird, if the title of the movie is "The Last Little Girl" do you still sense the incongruity? I sort of do..

Well, I have a real aversion to capturing my own daughter swearing for all time, considering that even minor infractions around my home are SEVERALLY reprimanded. I promise, we don't swear in my house. Its take about 10 years of SOLID work for me to break that habit by the way... not even a smashed thumb with a hammer can pull an S or F words out of my mouth.. lol.

As for audience, I DONT want to show anything that I wouldn't let my 8 year old watch...that doesn't mean he has to understand it.. The overall themes are quite appropriate (though not yet revealed to you all ) for the parental mind set.


BTW: Guns are part of country life..

I was so irritated when the new rev of ET came out and all the FBI guns were replaced with CGI radios. Which is worse.. a facists regime dictating and censoring your speach.. or self censoring based on ideaolgy..

Amazing how readily people who claim to support liberal ideas will embrace Orwellian practices in support of their agenda. Oceana has allways been at war with Eastasia.

(whops.. I showed my right wing underwear againn.. lol)
 
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wheatgrinder said:
Good points all,

Bird, if the title of the movie is "The Last Little Girl" do you still sense the incongruity? I sort of do..

Well, I have a real aversion to capturing my own daughter swearing for all time, considering that even minor infractions around my home are SEVERALLY reprimanded. I promise, we don't swear in my house. Its take about 10 years of SOLID work for me to break that habit by the way... not even a smashed thumb with a hammer can pull an S or F words out of my mouth.. lol.

As for audience, I DONT want to show anything that I wouldn't let my 8 year old watch...that doesn't mean he has to understand it.. The overall themes are quite appropriate (though not yet revealed to you all ) for the parental mind set.




BTW: Guns are part of country life..

I was so irritated when the new rev of ET came out and all the FBI guns were replaced with CGI radios. Which is worse.. a facists regime dictating and censoring your speach.. or self censoring based on ideaolgy..

Amazing how readily people who claim to support liberal ideas will embrace Orwellian practices in support of their agenda. Oceana has allways been at war with Eastasia.

(whops.. I showed my right wing underwear againn.. lol)
Click to expand...

Now that you've mentioned the audience angle, I can understand the aversion to swearing, so a little piece clicks into place for me (or was that my brain)? ;)

I personally am not having a problem with the guns and whatnot if it fits in with the story. I think when we start seeing some footage we'll get a better idea of the context, but it seems to fit in the story with me(though I can also understand how some people seeing a pic of a little girl holding a gun might make them uncomfortable-dang I just HAVE to sit on the fence, don't I? ;)) Ultimately, it is your vision, Wheatgrinder, it's up to us to watch it and make our judgements for ourselves, while allowing others the same right. That doesn't lessen what you have to offer :)

EDIT: Purple Underwear Wheatgrinder? Wow.....:D
 
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wheatgrinder said:
Bird, if the title of the movie is "The Last Little Girl" do you still sense the incongruity? I sort of do..

l
Click to expand...

Oh, sorry, I wasn't being clear. I didn't mean the title itself. The title is good, it's foreboding, not incongruous to your concept at all. Here's my take, you said you needed a 'button line' to reference the work's title. Your line was directly related to one of your plot points "Charlie! (beat) there haven't been any "little girls" since they started this!". I was asking if you need to have that relationship specifically referenced or could you have something slightly skewed yet using some of the same words: Charlie, I haven't been a little girl since this started." That line would fulfill your *button* requirement while suggesting her state of mind topped by a bit of conflict. I'm not saying it's a better choice just a different perspective. :) I also think you can cut Charlie's line; "The Old Mill? There's Nothing there..." to "There's nothing there." Lynn already told Charlie (and us) she was going to the mill. Looking really good so far, Wheatgrinder!
 
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bird said:
Oh, sorry, I wasn't being clear. I didn't mean the title itself. The title is good, it's foreboding, not incongruous to your concept at all. Here's my take, you said you needed a 'button line' to reference the work's title. Your line was directly related to one of your plot points "Charlie! (beat) there haven't been any "little girls" since they started this!". I was asking if you need to have that relationship specifically referenced or could you have something slightly skewed yet using some of the same words: Charlie, I haven't been a little girl since this started." That line would fulfill your *button* requirement while suggesting her state of mind topped by a bit of conflict. I'm not saying it's a better choice just a different perspective. :) I also think you can cut Charlie's line; "The Old Mill? There's Nothing there..." to "There's nothing there." Lynn already told Charlie (and us) she was going to the mill. Looking really good so far, Wheatgrinder!
Click to expand...

Got it, and I agree.. updating script accordingly.

about restating the old mill.. nice catch!

THANKS!
 
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since mom died... hmmmm

Maybe "I haven't been a "little girl since mom(thoughtful pause/beat)for a long time dad.'

Still says it while showing consideration for dad's feelings.


Yes? No?
 
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