Having trouble with a scene

[thedangle1]

Me again. The scene is a car accident. I need to know how to write a specific part. I want to show someone in the mangled car. The scene looks like this:

EXT. new york street/intersection - night

A car accident. The scene is horrific. The cars are mangled. Head on collision. Car parts scattered everywhere. Steam from the cars cloud them.

Eric pushes his way through the crowd. He flashes his badge. Gene and Bob follow.

Eric gazes at the scene. Gene follows close behind. Eric approaches one of the cars, stops, and freezes. His body goes limp. He drops. Gene catches him.


From here, can I apply:

INSERT - MANGLED CAR
A YOUNG WOMAN, 30's, sits motionless.

BACK TO SCENE

OR:

Eric gazes at the

MANGLED CAR

In the front seat, Eric's wife, sits motionless.

Any opinions?

 

[2001 Productions]

Of the two options, go with the second, simpler one. Though if it were me, I'd probably alter it slightly, thus:

Eric approaches one of the cars, freezes, gazing at

JANET, (or whatever her name is)

his wife, slumped in the front seat of the mangled vehicle. Motionless.

Eric's body goes limp. He drops. Gene catches him.

 

[thedangle1]

Of the two options, go with the second, simpler one. Though if it were me, I'd probably alter it slightly, thus:

Eric approaches one of the cars, freezes, gazing at

JANET, (or whatever her name is)

his wife, slumped in the front seat of the mangled vehicle. Motionless.

Eric's body goes limp. He drops. Gene catches him.

Thanks a lot. Huge help.

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

Format isn’t my thing, but another possible consideration is to tighten up the wordiness of your action in general.

For example: The use of the word “Car” appears 5 times in your action, 1 time in mine. Not that one is better than the other (It's a preference thing), just one has more description and the other is shorter. A tighter balance between the two might best serve whichever way you decide to format.

EXT. STREET-NIGHT

A CROWD gathers around the scattered wreckage of a head-on collision.
Eric pushes his way through the on-lookers and hurries into the street.

He stops, picks up a bent license plate. He drops to his knees. Gene and Bob appear at his side.
In the mangled car before them, ERIC’S WIFE rests slumped forward and lifeless at the wheel.


-Thanks-

 

[thedangle1]

Format isn’t my thing, but another possible consideration is to tighten up the wordiness of your action in general.

For example: The use of the word “Car” appears 5 times in your action, 1 time in mine. Not that one is better than the other (It's a preference thing), just one has more description and the other is shorter. A tighter balance between the two might best serve whichever way you decide to format.

EXT. STREET-NIGHT

A CROWD gathers around the scattered wreckage of a head-on collision.
Eric pushes his way through the on-lookers and hurries into the street.

He stops, picks up a bent license plate. He drops to his knees. Gene and Bob appear at his side.
In the mangled car before them, ERIC’S WIFE rests slumped forward and lifeless at the wheel.


-Thanks-

Thanks for the advice. I'm not done yet. It needs a proof read.