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Half-A-Heart

ussinners

ussinners

If anyone has some extra time, I'd love some feedback on my script Half-A-Heart. Like I've said in other posts, this is my favorite script. I think it moves, everything is sequential and everything means something.

It's 91 pretty fast pages.

Half-A-Heart is about a young woman searching for her mother, whom she was told died when she was four.

The address to download the PDF is http://ussinners.com/heart.htm

Danke!
 
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I'm on zoetrope already. I just have to read one more script and then it goes live. Triggerstreet I left a long time ago, they are some of the rudest reviewers I've ever encountered.
 
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Padnar said:
I thought I only had the experience of being trounced in Trigger street but now i have company
padma
Click to expand...

No, they're pretty nasty over there. It starts with the main guy (I think his name is George). He's an awful moderator. But, on a good note, the first movie that Triggerstreet made was The United States of Leland. Holy shit does it suck. I rented it because Sherilyn Fenn was in it.
 
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ussinners,

You have not been forgotten. Real-life bug-a-boos and such.

Promise to get to it, hopefully by this weekend.

I did a quick and superficial read-through. Liked what I saw...
 
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Just got my regular Thursday InkTip newsletter. Thought you might be interested in this, dude:




1) Nasser Entertainment Group - MOWs - Female Driven
---------------

We are looking for completed female-driven MOW scripts. Scripts should be for a female lead around the age of 30, and can be action or thriller, as long as they aren't supernatural thrillers. Stories may be set in the US or Canada. Do not pitch scripts with male leads, sci-fi stories, horror, supernatural, or period pieces. Submissions must be for material that is suitable for television, so no nudity, gore, foul language, etc.

Budget will not exceed $2 million. WG and non-WG writers may submit.

Our credits include "Christmas Crash" and "Desperate Hours: An Amber Alert," both of which were written by writers discovered through InkTip.

To submit to this lead, please go to:
http://www.inktippro.com/leads/

Enter your email address.

Copy/Paste this code: pf2q6hqzde

NOTE: Please only submit your work if it fits what the lead is looking for exactly. If you aren’t sure if your script fits, please ask InkTip first.




2) Edgewood Studios - Female Leads for Female TV
---------------

We are looking for completed feature-length female-driven scripts starring female leads, i.e. something that would be suitable as a Lifetime MOW.

Budget will not exceed $1 million. WGA and non-WGA writers may submit.

Our credits include "Moonlight in Mistletoe" and "Landslide."

To submit to this lead, please go to:
http://www.inktippro.com/leads/

Enter your email address.

Copy/Paste this code: 9w71p5jc8j

NOTE: Please only submit your work if it fits what the lead is looking for exactly. If you aren’t sure if your script fits, please ask InkTip first.
 
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Adeimantus said:
Just got my regular Thursday InkTip newsletter. Thought you might be interested in this, dude:




1) Nasser Entertainment Group - MOWs - Female Driven
---------------

We are looking for completed female-driven MOW scripts. Scripts should be for a female lead around the age of 30, and can be action or thriller, as long as they aren't supernatural thrillers. Stories may be set in the US or Canada. Do not pitch scripts with male leads, sci-fi stories, horror, supernatural, or period pieces. Submissions must be for material that is suitable for television, so no nudity, gore, foul language, etc.

Budget will not exceed $2 million. WG and non-WG writers may submit.

Our credits include "Christmas Crash" and "Desperate Hours: An Amber Alert," both of which were written by writers discovered through InkTip.

To submit to this lead, please go to:
http://www.inktippro.com/leads/

Enter your email address.

Copy/Paste this code: pf2q6hqzde

NOTE: Please only submit your work if it fits what the lead is looking for exactly. If you aren’t sure if your script fits, please ask InkTip first.




2) Edgewood Studios - Female Leads for Female TV
---------------

We are looking for completed feature-length female-driven scripts starring female leads, i.e. something that would be suitable as a Lifetime MOW.

Budget will not exceed $1 million. WGA and non-WGA writers may submit.

Our credits include "Moonlight in Mistletoe" and "Landslide."

To submit to this lead, please go to:
http://www.inktippro.com/leads/

Enter your email address.

Copy/Paste this code: 9w71p5jc8j

NOTE: Please only submit your work if it fits what the lead is looking for exactly. If you aren’t sure if your script fits, please ask InkTip first.
Click to expand...

THANK YOU. That's so nice to be thought of. I greatly appreciate it. I'm going there right now.
 
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Awwwwwwwww, George!

You romantic, you!

A cross between Frank Capra and Tennessee Williams...

So, I made some notes. I'll collate and write something up for you tomorrow.

(had a tear in my eye - seriously)

Enjoyed.

Biggest immediate concerns:

1) I knew
right away that Queenie was Grace, and

2) You walk a tight line between pathos and bathos. Today's audiences are sensitive to manipulation when it is too high-handed. Not saying it necessarily is here, just something I need to think on before I pass judgment.

-Charles
 
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So here's a few thoughts. I'll likely have more.

I’m not going to discuss script formatting or action descriptions. Others can help with that and, in my opinion, you’re at a level where you know the rules and therefore can break them if you choose.

First off, this is plotted tight as a drum. Kudos. Everything fits. Secondly, you have an outstanding technical proficiency for SHOWING character. Here’s a tiny, but excellent example of how to do it (for beginners):



Lucille takes a bite while Daddy and Maryellen bow their head
in prayer.

DADDY
Amen.

MARYELLEN
Amen.

LUCILLE
(chewing)
Amen.

There’s a lot in that tiny snippet of dialogue. It tells us so much about the three. That was just a random example—you do it throughout. Very nice.

You spend a great deal of script time in limo’s. Not saying that’s bad and I don’t know if or how it could be fixed.

There’s a LOT of flashback here. Your writing skill was strong enough to keep me oriented, but I worry about the complexity of getting it up on the screen and not losing the viewer. The timeframe is relatively short, so there’s nothing to tell the viewer we are back in time other than a SUPER, which can feel clumsy. The flashbacks also create, really, a second movie that runs concurrently, a kind of A-story and B-story, but where the B-story is nearly as strong as the A-story. Unfortunately, it’s required by the story.

As for opening with a flashback, I think it works. What about closing with a flashback? A final scene with Grace and Lucille as a child during a quiet, but happy time? Cut to it during the wedding. (Here I am concerned about bathos and suggesting something like this – Heh) Or not.

So – Daddy’s crying scene at the end. I’m of two minds. Part of me thinks it works, and part of me worries about whether it’s in character and whether it approaches and then crosses the bathos line I spoke of earlier. Maybe a lip-quiver and/or tears WELLING up in eyes. But a full-on weeping sequence maybe crosses the line? Think about it, anyway.

I don’t see why you couldn’t sell this. I doubt it’d be picked up by a major studio, unless you could attach an A-list actress, but a MOW or mid-size indie prodco, absolutely.

By the way, I also think you might be able to reformat this into a stage-play and go off-broadway with it. Just something to think about.

Thanks for the read!


-Charles
 
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I agree with the nice moments of character here and there.

I think there is a fine line of undermining the protagonist as written.
She starts off nice and all hugs and polite at times, but it’s also peppered with things like:

*Difficult with her father.
*Inconsiderate at times towards Maryellen.
*Doesn’t seem to respect the religious/social protocol/manners.
*Doesn’t excuse herself from the table to take a phone call.
*Is difficult at times with someone (Quentin) who is trying to help her.
*Tries to steal from him.
*Laughs when his car is broken into, his items stolen and he is rained on.
*Possibly deceptive as to her whereabouts.

I’m not saying she needs to plant daisies and paint rainbows, and I’m not saying every protagonist has to be completely likeable, but it’s not hard to almost say “F this rude B#@*h!” lol

Daddy has a few moments as well, like at the table saying the city smells like a public washroom as they eat, then shoving a huge piece of steak into his mouth is kind of uncouth, but maybe that is what you are going for in a Southern/East Coast thing hypocritical thing, I don’t know.

Grace isn’t exactly easy to get behind and care about either. (Her “Redemption” to me is too staged as well.)

You could give Daddy a change of heart about New York a moment before his words of the past (About the city) become prophetic as (due to her trying too hard (Or recklessly) to get what she wants) Lucy is accidentally (Of course) the ironic cause of the demise of Grace (By way of the red herring character (who could be someone Quentin was checking up on, like his own mom and that Lucy mistook for someone pertaining to her case) OR by way of Maryellen who is low on arc too) and loses what she wanted all along. (No ER reveal, just right there on the street bloody hands and a locket reveal) Then give Lucy the change of heart about New York and she wants to go home as the final line (at the cemetery). The End. (Skipping the wedding completely.) OR Daddy makes his own words of the past come true when HE is the accidental cause of Grace’s demise by way of judgmental misunderstanding. (Police drag him away, Lucy loses everything.)

To me that whole ironic tragedy set-up is there for the taking, but to make it work it seems a perfect puzzle piece (plausible red herring) to divert and/or manage the predictability would be needed, along with a twist that makes the timeless go down with a new spin on it.

-Thanks-
 
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Thanks for the notes and reviews. They definitely give me some thoughts, which is what I need.

I had to look up the meanings of Pathos and Bathos, and you're right the ending is a little over board. He's not just crying for Grace, but the fact he now has to tell Lucille that Queen is Grace. What I really wanted to convey is "Should he tell Lucille that Queen is Grace?" If he doesn't it's another lie. But, I just came up with a better ending. Instead of crying, he and Maryellen look at the ER doors where Lucille is behind. Cut to the wedding, and Lucille is wearing the entire heart.

I'm not sure if Buddy saw the characters the same as Charles. While I understand the overall feeling you got from Lucille's character, you have to put yourself in her position.
The photos she tried to steal were of her and her mother in NY. He didn't want her to see them, he certainly wasn't going to give them to her if she asked.
She was never terrible to Dad. But, he lied to her for so many years, she felt betrayed. She only confronted him when all else failed.
A few of the other things like getting up from the table, and prayer are all character traits. NY is a godless city, no one ever says Grace at a restaurant. But, I have seen it done in the south. Not holding hands, but a look down and crossing.
Also, if this was ever made, it's all open to interpretation. The director would smooth out the rough spots, and make inconsiderate things either cute or playful. She would be endearing.

As for Daddy and the public washroom... that's actually a joke. The first meal he had in NY was an upscale snob restaurant with tiny portions, which is not the way food is served in the south. The next was a Jewish smorgasbord, which really is an acquired taste. Then Stuart takes him out for a big old fashioned southern steak and daddy's delighted. It's good brownie points for Stuart who is a pretty nice guy.

Grace is not very likable, but when we first meet her, we know what she loves to do, dance. She longs to go to NY. Which she does. What makes her human and semi-likable is giving up Lucille instead of fighting for her. An outright awful person would do that.

The thing that bothers me about both your critiques was you both knew the secret to the mystery. But, at another site, the two people that have reviewed it, didn't. It might just be you're both better readers. Especially if you keep in mind, every word has to have meaning. Most people don't realize that.

Thanks again. I got work to do.

I saw Toy Story 3 last night EXCELLENT and MAGNIFICENT. The opening short Day & Night INCREDIBLE.
 
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To counter explain yet only to arrive at “..she would be endearing.” is kind of the fine line I mean. The perfect subtle upfront endearing (in the script) could go a long long way.

I think what is derailing things is that you start on a flash back where as if we 1st empathized with adult Lucy, then her quirks and individuality and plight would be our quirks and individuality and plight all along, and only be strengthened by seeing into her past. This would also likely invoke more curiosity into ‘what became of Grace?’ and despite her shortcomings, it would possibly make us want her to be found and to have a 2nd chance for the sake of what would be our Lucy. The overt endearing by way of Queen and King (besides being a vested interest story tactic wise) is (to me) too little too late.

As far as the “mystery”, that’s a mind blow that some are not seeing right through it.
(The locket, the goal, the amount of characters,, the past and past times and name (Song) it’s all right there… then later you allude to it even more with the cast and the waking. Weird.)

Please keep in mind all I offer is simply further creative consideration, it’s just alternate ammo one can amass for present or future or not at all use.

Did they get Joss Whedon back in on the writing of 3 (Toy Story)?


-Thanks-
 
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Buddy Greenfield said:
To counter explain yet only to arrive at “..she would be endearing.” is kind of the fine line I mean. The perfect subtle upfront endearing (in the script) could go a long long way.

I think what is derailing things is that you start on a flash back where as if we 1st empathized with adult Lucy, then her quirks and individuality and plight would be our quirks and individuality and plight all along, and only be strengthened by seeing into her past. This would also likely invoke more curiosity into ‘what became of Grace?’ and despite her shortcomings, it would possibly make us want her to be found and to have a 2nd chance for the sake of what would be our Lucy. The overt endearing by way of Queen and King (besides being a vested interest story tactic wise) is (to me) too little too late.

As far as the “mystery”, that’s a mind blow that some are not seeing right through it.
(The locket, the goal, the amount of characters,, the past and past times and name (Song) it’s all right there… then later you allude to it even more with the cast and the waking. Weird.)

Please keep in mind all I offer is simply further creative consideration, it’s just alternate ammo one can amass for present or future or not at all use.

Did they get Joss Whedon back in on the writing of 3 (Toy Story)?


-Thanks-
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I take all critiques into consideration. Then I pick, choose, and mold properly.

I don't know who wrote 3 (I never look at credits) but it's incredible. I know people are saying it's the best looking of the three. How stupid would it be for it not to be? But, everything about it is mind blowing. The story is great, funny, and sad like Puff the Magic Dragon.
 
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