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critique Friendly Spirits, a short 2 page script – any critique appreciated

jsmithson

jsmithson

I originally wrote this story in response to a writing prompt, and adapted it for screen. I apologize for the wonky formatting, I couldn’t get Celtx to email the pdf to me. Thanks for looking! 🙂

docs.google.com

Friendly Spirits

FRIENDLY SPIRITS J.R. SMITHSON INT. JIM’S CRAMPED APARTMENT Jim Bartholomew sits at his kitchen table, working his way through yesterday’s crossword puzzle. He appears vexed. An insectoid voice flows through him, it is friendly. RANDALL Barrier. JIM Barrier re...
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INT. JIM’S CRAMPED APARTMENT

Jim Bartholomew sits at his kitchen table, working his way through yesterday’s crossword puzzle. He appears vexed. An insectoid voice flows through him, it is friendly.
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Not sure you want to describe the apartment as "cramped" within the Scene Heading; Use the Action section for that. Do we really need to know its YESTERDAY'S crossword puzzle as opposed to last week's or last year's? If vexed, show us, don't tell us. What does an insectoid voice sound like? Try being more descriptive if possible. Can we use a better word than 'friendly' to describe the voice?

INT. JIM'S APARTMENT / KITCHEN- DAY
JIM BARTHOLOMEW sits in his cramped kitchen, working through a newspaper crossword. He winces, taps his bottom lip with a pencil and looks up to the ceiling. A cheery, high pitched insectoid voice emanates out from Jim's body.

RANDALL (O.S)
Barrier

That's a start anyway... Also, if you want to get the free version of Celtx, you may download it here:

https://celtx.informer.com/versions/

2.9.7 is the last free version of Celtx
 
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Constantin said:
Not sure you want to describe the apartment as "cramped" within the Scene Heading; Use the Action section for that. Do we really need to know its YESTERDAY'S crossword puzzle as opposed to last week's or last year's? If vexed, show us, don't tell us. What does an insectoid voice sound like? Try being more descriptive if possible. Can we use a better word than 'friendly' to describe the voice?

INT. JIM'S APARTMENT / KITCHEN- DAY
JIM BARTHOLOMEW sits in his cramped kitchen, working through a newspaper crossword. He winces, taps his bottom lip with a pencil and looks up to the ceiling. A cheery, high pitched insectoid voice emanates out from Jim's body.

RANDALL (O.S)
Barrier

That's a start anyway... Also, if you want to get the free version of Celtx, you may download it here:

https://celtx.informer.com/versions/

2.9.7 is the last free version of Celtx
Click to expand...
Thank you for taking a look, and thanks for the link. I appreciate it very much!
 
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INT. KITCHEN - JIM'S APARTMENT - DAY [<--That's the correct way. Likely, you would precede this scene with an establishing shot of the EXT. of Jim's House]

A very brief description of the Kitchen goes here, including the Table and any other props that will be used.

Jim Bartholomew (age), DESCRIBE CHARACTER HERE, sits at THE kitchen table ["his" is subtext. How does the viewer know it's his? they don't have the script to read. NO SUBTEXT in Description or Action] working his way through yesterday’s[<-- SUBTEXT] crossword puzzle. He appears vexed [How? Does he bang his fist on the table? Give out a sigh of frustration?]. An insectoid voice flows through him, it is friendly.

NOTES: When you used the words "appears vexed" you lost the reader. You put them to work, and Readers hate that; now they have to use their own imagination, and your "vexed" could mean who knows what to someone else. Readers don't like to work, so tell them what they SEE, not what the character feels. Subtext is restricted to Dialogue.

"An insectoid voice flows through him, it is friendly," is a line from a novel, not a screenplay. Flows through him? What is that? If we don't see the source of the voice, it's either Off Screen (O.S.) or a Voice Over (V.O.).
Corrected:

From an unseen source, a friendly insectoid voice emanates.

INSECTOID VOICE (O.S.)
Whatever the voice says.
 
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jsmithson said:
Thanks gecko, yes this is directly from a short story, I’m still striving to learn proper screenplay formatting. I appreciate your help!
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I've got loads of free Screenwriting manuals, etc., in PDF form that I've collected over the years. If you pm me an email, I'll send them to you. That goes for anyone else, too.
Meanwhile, https://www.sergeyberezin.com/filmmaking . Check out the Beat Sheet Calculator and the Treatment Generator.
 
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