For the first time in 17 years, I defended myself. Is something wrong with me?

shockimpulse

shockimpulse

Ever since birth I was abused by my mother. I'm Asian so it's expected but my father left us so she took that anger out on me and escalated usual asian leg whippings or hand punishments. Over the years she would smash the gameboy into my head, hit me in the head with a log from the fireplace, knock me down with a steel stick mop, etc etc. The first time she ever went off from usual beatings, she was beating me with her fists (she's very husky) and I was screaming because this was a pain I had never felt before. And I was 10. So she took off her sock and shoved it in my mouth and continued. Up until 8th grade it was like that. I've had many bruises and they're now all healed and some of the scars have faded away with only one major one remaining. In the summer of 8th grade, my mother disowned me and moved to korea with my sisters and stepdad. So for the next 4 years I've had to live alone, with my stepdad secretly sending me some money to get by.

And last week I arrived in Korea because my mother said that she's now a devout christian who would never hit anyone anymore and so I agreed to come. In a couple hours it would have been one week with my mother and no abuse...but then an hour ago she told me to get ready for church. I told her that I wasn't Christian and that I wasn't for any of the Christian values and that I couldn't bear to step foot in a church. Then, she just exploded on me, calling me the devil, saying that only devils talk and she kept yelling how I never go to the temple or church (which by the way are two separate religions so i don't what she's getting at). This is coming from the woman who NEVER went to church until a year ago.

So finally she came at me and scratched me and then stabbed me in the eye with her finger. Nothing deep or major but enough to make me cry in that eye and go blind for a couple seconds. So I pushed her arms away and punched her in the neck. Now when a 17year old punches a 49year old in the neck, that's like a 1 hit k.o. I promised myself that I would never let her push me around again so I defended myself. And the thing is: I don't feel guilty. I'm just on Skype and FaceBook continuing to talk with my friends and posting this thread here to make sure whether or not I belong in a straight jacket.
 
I just don't know what to say but I had to post a comment because what you've been through is very unfair and painful. I'm amazed that you've kept yourself together.

Unfortunately none of us can go back in time and change our past nor change our family members.
The only thing we can do is to keep positive and look forward...

I've got a couple of suggestions:

- Please don't lose self-esteem.
What happened wasn't your fault and you're not the one with the problem.

- Please keep making films (or keep doing something creative).
Feed your anger and frustration into your films. If you get stuck you can always ask questions in a forum like this and you'll find most filmmakers are very helpful.
I've once heard advice from a film director who said that you should always shoot from your own POV. In other words use your own life experiences. Because you've been through a lot you've got a lot to inspire you.

I know it's difficult, but don't let the dark forces take you away. Let the positive forces of filmmaking take you away.

All the best
Itsuka
 
wow interesting story but you have to do whats right and if that means teaching your mum a lesson then so be it. By the way I assume its South Korea your from?
 
considering your mom is horrible.
I think defending yourself was the right thing to do.
As a 17 year old you are different from when you were 10.
first off puberty, second off more consciousness of free thinking, third off
you can defend yourself now.
I personally think in this extreme case you should just live by yourself,
find yourself a boyfriend who would care for you emotionally and physically, unlike
what your parents could provide.
I've also had experiences similar to yours. I found that living with a replacement
for the role of my parents makes life easier and less painful.
People are herd animals, they can't be lonely.
I hope everything goes well for you.
try to smile once in a while. :)
 
i hate my family so much and they have never laid a hand on me, my friend the other week was punched by his dad so i punched his dad in the face and then the next day my friend wouldn't even look at me. so i don't know sometimes defence can lead to repercussions. do i regret hitting my friends dad. fuck no
 
shockimpulse, i am so so so very sorry for what has happened to you.

Growing up, my mother was the same (Im a girl but that didnt stop her). I remember having this fear over featherdusters! (That was her weapon of choice - she'd use the long plastic handle and would whip me with it on the back of my knees. I couldnt walk properly for days after that).
Or she'd throw plates. Push me. Call me horrible names, making fun of my appearance and telling me how "ugly" i was (which is probably the worst thing to say to a young girl).
This went on for years.

I think when I was 16, I finally stood up for myself. I broke the rules, I disobeyed her, I stayed at friends houses for days without telling her, etc. Basically, I gave her every reason to punish me. But she didnt.
Because it was then that she realised that Im not uner her thumb anymore. I am my own person. She realised that hitting me wouldnt stop me. I think it really knocked her off her pedestal. To realise that I could do whatever I wanted (I was a good kid, I didnt go around vanadalising or anything) made her see that she had no control.

Does that make sense?

And no, youre not crazy for defending yourself.
 
Hypnotic, now that is something I wanted to hear. Unfortunately my mother thinks violence is the only answer...she won't mature out of that phase.
 
She wont, but you will.

Infact, you already have. Putting a sock in your mouth to muffle your screams is a very dominating act. She's excercising her power.
But now that youre older and wiser and realise how wrong her treatment is, you're making the violence stop.
I am not saying to use violence to stop her violence. I would actually think the best thing for you is time apart . Actually, I think you two living apart was the best thing for your wellbeing.
I dont know what your family traditions and expectations may be, but please, consider living away from her for as long as you can. And above all, feel no guilt. You have done nothing wrong.
 
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