First short, quirky comedy, notes anyone?

[salazar]

pdf file format out of Final Draft (14kb)

Into hearing any feedback. Basic premise: Husband wants something, wife won't give it, Husband angry, wife about to give in, husband blows it, wife doesn't

8 pages (5 minute short for class). check it out please. open to all comments! be honest. WGAw registered so read it please. Shooting in 3 weeks. Want to tighten it asap. Any help/ideas ?


I originally, didn't show what the man wrote, people asked what was on the note, i caved in and popped in a stupid gag, i think i should have left it unknown, ala tarantinos briefcase you know? what do you people think?

 

[Robert]

HAHA, that was really good... every man's plight

A few minor things:

While he's getting her drunk, she mentions that she can't have sex for a "few days" because it's that time of the month, and he reacts like he didn't realize. But, maybe he did realize... maybe have a shot of him in the beginning referring to a secret calander he uses to keep track of her cycles, and he knows that today is the optimal day to get her to agree to perform that act she otherwise would rather skip.

Also, I think it would be funnier if Adam is shown making more attempts to try and coerce his woman into doing the special deed. The first one is he tries to get her drunk, adding another two quick scenes where he tries other tactics (each one getting a more extreme and elaborate) to make it happen, but fails, would build up his frustration and the payoff/funny twist at the end would be much more effective.

What makes her decide to finally give in to Adam's specific desire? It's not because she caught him in the shower -- her reaction to that was to say, "Gross". There needs to be a moment when she makes the decision to grant his wish, and there needs to be a reason why she decides to do it.

As for the note/drawing, I think it's important to show what he drew or else the end when she pushes him down doesn't really make sense, no?

Just my two cents.

 

[salazar]

good idea

Thanks for the comments, keep em' coming (no pun intended)

the calandar idea is vile and way over the top. i love it. He could say, "really?? and then a look and a quick cut to him at his office desk with the dates circled and something like "Me Time" written down on those days or something like that, what you think? Or, to cut into the beggining, he gets out of his car tired, sits for a minute, then his phone goes off with a preset alarm!!

Oh picture this

CUT TO: INSERT: of CELLPHONE w/ the a message flashing "PRIME TIME! 3 DAYS & COUNTING" or come crap and then he gets excited and thats also why his tie gets snagged, because he's in a rush! That would set up his NEED early and present the CONFLICT when she refuses to have that happen, right now she has sex w/ him- that would change obviously....hmmmm.......ideas......



I had more ideas of setting up how much this guy wants it, one was where he came home, had a bit of the drink and crudely just started pushing her downward but that needed to be cut for time constraints, the idea is to get this down to a five minute short but the more i think about it, the more i say screw it, it'll be the length it needs to be to be funny right?

i like the quick cuts idea of him trying different ways to get her down there, maybe little booby traps or something, i dont know, have to think about it.

I was toying with the idea of setting up a quick minute office scene where he essentially gets provoked into seeking this satisfaction out but i didnt find it neccessary you know...

Instead of showing the picture, i could not show it and have the wife say something to the effect of :

"what's wrong with you? why would you even write- blah blah blah " then go into the "not such a bad idea" thing. So the audience winds up using some part of their brain for this you know. What ya' think?

 

[salazar]

OH! i got it!

i'm working on something right now....

any ideas while i redo some things?

 

[salazar]

Okay, how's this?

done.