First effort at a TV show

[NickClapper]

Right, I couldn't sleep this evening so I thought I'd sit down and bash out a pilot episode of a TV show. It's something I've never even tried before so I figured it couldn't hurt giving it a go.

I've been watching a lot (indeed, all) of Girls recently, which I think is great and whose style I kind of want to steal but applied it to a British university setting. Which is what I've done. And because Girls has inspired me to be all self-referential, there's a certain amount that I've drawn from real life and, shock horror, the main character is called Nick...

It's only 18 pages long, so it's not quite fleshed out as a full pilot episode but I was curious to know what people made of the tone of the piece, the humour and whether I've managed to plagiarise with any degree of success. If you are going to read it then please be aware that it contains bad language and content that wouldn't be appropriate in a PG-13. You have been warned.

But, yeah, I'd love some feedback. It was just an experiment and I wrote it super quickly so I'm not sure whether it makes sense (plus it's 4am).

Educated 'Pilot'!

Thanks

 

[NickClapper]

Ha! Thanks Richy, that 'Pretty' typo has got me flummoxed... I meant Fred, not sure what Freud would say about that ending up, somehow, as 'Pretty'.

Really good, useful feedback as always. I do worry that some of the passages of dialogue (even though I play them over in my head to try and make sense of them) are too wordy and hard to follow. I agree that it would be easier if it were being acted out but I want it to readable too, so thanks for the heads up.

Basically, the series starts in the aftermath of Nick's break-up and his attempts to become the 'new Nick' who's less neurotic about things. I'm kind of using anecdotes (like the hand job in the library) as a way introducing that cynicism and slightly disillusioned view of sex and relationships. I think you're right though that it could use some tweaking to make the significance, especially with regards to that first scene, more obvious.

All bedding will take place off screen but the dirty sheets might get their time in the sun again. Who knows?

Thanks a lot for reading and leaving the notes

EDIT: And do try and seek out Girls, it's really excellent.

 

[Jack Lynt]

You're welcome and my pleasure of course.

I definately have to check Girls out, if I get the chance.

=)

 

[idenitycrisis27]

I very much like the suggestions richy made concerning the contraceptive conversation. I, too, thought it was something I'd just understand when read aloud, and was only convoluted in a written context. But I have to say, calling Nick a prophylactic is especially funny to me, as well as the line about lacking a uterus.

The other thing that richy pointed out that I hadn't really thought of is giving that significance to Nick's ex. I'd love to see Nick struggle with her continuing to pop up in his life. Make her his antagonist, even if she's unwittingly doing so, and give him opportunities to overcome. Or fail miserably (to our amusement, no less) and put him in yet another situation he's hard pressed to get out of. I think my earlier comments about conflict would fit nicely with someone who's already been set up as a source of major frustration for Nick, and by extension, his roommates. Another idea: if none of them like her, and they all think Nick is better off without her around (which I know would be the case with my friends) force him to take her on as a roommate. Put him in a bind and then help him get out of it one hilarious step at a time.

I feel bad. I like Nick. I want to be his friend. You've hit the proverbial nail on the head with this character's likability, so bravo on that feat alone. But if the show is going to hold interest, we need to see him suffer, so we continue to have a reason to root for him. Whether the suffering is caused by his ex, or by his misadventurous blunders, or some other as-yet-unknown source, it gives me a character that I already love, and it gives me as an audience member, a reason to want to stick with them and be their friend.


All in all though, you've got a lot here, and I can't wait to see any future scripts you may want proofread! I'm certainly enjoying the repartee you've built and the world you've started to develop.

 

[Jack Lynt]

Page 1.

Cinderella is next to him, apparently unconscious, his face
buried deep in the pillow.

Should be "her" face, I think.


Page 2.

NICK
I don’t feel guilty about it. She’s
a consenting adult. I have the
paperwork to prove it.

Got a laugh from me. Not that others didn't too.


Page 3.

NICK
I’m just pleased that, for once, it
wasn’t me cock blocking you.

Another good, cute punchline that got a chuckle from me.


Page 4.

FRED
Won’t that be nice?

Another nice chuckle.


These aren't the only things that I liked, of course, or that got a chuckle from me. I'm just highlighting them.


Page 6.

SOPHI
Wow. I don’t understand what you
said and it still seems boring.

Love that.


Page 9.

NICK
Nothing, it’s nonsense. But I
reckon it should confuse Fred
sufficiently.

Heheh. Very cute.


Page 10.

Fred hands Jacob his phone and Jacob reads, a look of
confusion growing on his face.

Love that.


Page 14.

Jacob smiles and frowns concurrently.

Ha!


*****

Nice introduction of Sophi. Looks like it will be a cute relationship. She seems to be a good foil for Nick, and Nick needs a foil.

About the blood in the urine. I know this is my ignorance talking, no doubt. But without my googling or researching it/looking it up, your dropping that in there and then not addressing it quickly would likely hang over my head/mind for the rest of the show and likely distract me from enjoying it.

I'm wondering if this is something that happened to you yourself, and perhaps it turns out that there are common and trivial reasons for there to be blood in a person's urine etc. If so, so there! Nevermind me.

Cancer, I think, is the idea/fear.

Now, putting aside that Battlestar Galactica episode in which, apparently, blood in the urine and renal failure is not always such a dreadful thing if treated, like I said, it's really going to distract me that Nick isn't off to see the doctor asap. And his best friend (?), Fred, essentially tells Nick, forgetabouit. Huh?

Hmmmm.

Am I going to be paying attention to the cute, nascent, blooming romance between Nick and Sophi or between Clarence and Raquel or the rest, or am I going to be sitting there bummed out and worrying over the specter of the Big C and wondering why these &^%$# kids aren't taking it in an appropriately serious way?

But I don't know where you're going with it. I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for it, and it will all become clear in the next episodes. Right?

I suppose it's just a bladder infection?

*****

I enjoyed it muchly.

It has a very Tarantino...Ritchie-esque feel to it. (I hope you know that I'm teasing you. I know that you do not want to be compared to those two.)

 

[NickClapper]

It's been too long since I last posted on Indietalk but I hope y'all remember that I exist. Anyhow, in between being really busy with my university work and a number of other things, I decided to submit the opening episode of 'Educated' to a BBC writing program.

I've seriously revised the episode and, despite the fact that I'm going to send it off tomorrow, I could really use someone giving it a read and telling me if there's anything that can be improved in the next few hours.

It's only 30 pages, but I should probably provide the following warning: there's a lot of foul language, sex, slightly controversial issues raised...etc. It's very much in the vein (or the intended vein) of Lena Dunham's Girls so if that's the sort of thing that you're offended by then you might want to avoid! Also, there's a lot of British humour and references that might not be completely clear to Americans but that's all part of the fun, right?

Anyhow, would really appreciate some feedback. Had great feedback here before from Richy, identitycrisis27 and Dready, and that's definitely impacted on the way that this next draft turned out.

Please read here and try and enjoy!

Thanks everyone

 

[mad_hatter]

Hi Nick.

Not much I can say. It's really well written, no problems there. Your words paint a very clear picture. I'm just a little unsure of the tone. For a comedy, it's a little too serious, but then it's too comedic to be a serious drama. To be honest, some of the early dialogue about contraception and STD's was actually a little too much for me. But, knowing the tone of your other work, it seems very in keeping with your style.

It's good! Submit it, see if you get some feedback. Is it "writers room" you're submitting to?

 

[NickClapper]

Hi Nick.

Not much I can say. It's really well written, no problems there. Your words paint a very clear picture. I'm just a little unsure of the tone. For a comedy, it's a little too serious, but then it's too comedic to be a serious drama. To be honest, some of the early dialogue about contraception and STD's was actually a little too much for me. But, knowing the tone of your other work, it seems very in keeping with your style.

It's good! Submit it, see if you get some feedback. Is it "writers room" you're submitting to?

Hi Philip, thanks for reading- always really appreciate and respect your feedback.

The tone is a tricky one, but, once again, I'm basically copying 'Girls' here. Sometimes, you can watch an episode of that show and just be like 'that was really depressing', whilst, at other times, it has a more optimistic, comedic feel. The series, as I plan it, gets darker than it is in this first episode, so it's probably good to throw people into something like the real world. Was there a particular part that you thought was too serious?

When you say 'a little too much' do you mean too much 'filth'? That was intentional and I don't want it to seem forced! I'm worried that you think it's in keeping with my style though! FOTF is very sweary, but none of this candour

Yeah, gonna send it off to the writer's room. I've no idea what the response is, but I saw that they were accepting new work and figured that, since I'd already written it, there was no harm in sending it in. We'll see what happens.

 

[mad_hatter]

Unfortunately, I've not seen "Girls", so I can't compare the two.

The first half, before the club, where all the filth lies, is the bit that I found too serious. Thinking about it now, serious probably isn't the correct word... but I don't know what is! It's obvious you're going for a very dark humour, as apposed to jokes and puns, but, although some of the dialogue is amusing, I didn't find it "laugh-out-loud funny". And it is the filth that I find a bit too much... Even in real life, I find people talking explicitly about sex a bit uncomfortable. That's just a personal thing though. I don't mind seeing sex, swearing and extreme violence in film, but I find that type of dialogue a bit uncomfortable.

Oh, and the toilet scene in the club... is that neccessary? If anything's too serious, I'd say that is.

I think writers room is open to submissions year round. You can submit as much and as often as you like, but they don't except revisions of scripts they've already seen.

 

[Dreadylocks]

@Dready: I know that some people have been offended by the lack of multiculturalism in Girls but I'm not sure that I think that's a particularly good reason to not watch it. Where's the multiculturalism in Friends? How I Met Your Mother? Seinfeld? Apparently they're going to address it in season two.

I haven't been around in a while I guess, I completely missed this (very old) response.

Yes, the shows you mentioned have the same problem. Though I admit I've watched those since I was younger (minus How I met your mother) and frankly didn't notice, but when I realized the monochromatic-ness of them, it really blew my mind and made me think. You're probably right that it's not a very good reason not to watch the show, but fuck it. When has anyone doing or not doing something 'on principle' ever had to make sense?

Actually, if I'm honest. I mainly don't watch it because I think it represents everything I hate about my own generation and I'm afraid I'll end up liking it and have to start hating myself, too.

 

[slackerfilm]

I only honestly guffawed aloud twice wile reading script one the bit where nick "unintentionally" glanced at fred's crotch got me i could really feel the split second of awkwardness and it was only made funnier by the fact that they just continue in their convo as if it did not occur.That in my mind cemented the closeness of these two characters without forcing it or making the script to bulky because of it

i also liked the end scene i think that most human beings would find buzz lightyear throwing up in a gutter extensively funny...(probably 90s baby's in particular)

overall i applause you on this script the characters were interesting and it feels streamlined and simple to read which usually translates to good on screen tonality.I also love the idea that you have a gay guy as one of you're main characters when reading it felt refreshing. i feel like you could get away with more obnoxious homosexual jokes and premises without offending to many people or making that character the ass end of all your distasteful jokes a somewhat serious advantage in my opinion considering the world of tv comedy seems to ask itself how far can i really push this joke or how many people will actually be offended Ever pushing the boundaries on whats ethical for tv

keep up the good work ill eventually get to reading ep 2 and i look fwd to seeing this produced. I'm always open to read more

 

[Jack Lynt]

On page 3 that first stanza(?) got a laugh out of me. The rewritten stanza(?) got a laugh-snort.

FRED

This is why you get no work done.

That's cute. The convo and this line got a chuckle.

I don't mean to keep score of all of the laughs, or something. I for one do not think that comedies or comedy/dramas even need to make me laugh. Is that weird? I just think, as long as they are amusing, that does me. I simply like making note of some of the laugh-out-louds; might useful to the writer.

JACOB

In no way do you stop me getting
herpes.

NICK

No, I know. That ship has sailed...

And that's still a great exchange and a great line.


I for one enjoy the raunchy (now even raunchier), catty banter.

NICK

Please do, nobody else has been
interested in my idea about
privatizing abortion.

Oh that's excellant. Like it.


Page 15. You've left the Freudian Slip.

SNOW WHITE

Are you ok? You look like you’re
having some sort of fit?

SIMBA
Mate, that’s Pixar, not Disney.

NICK
It’s post-merger.

That's a great line/exchange.

And of course there are others!

So, with this Writer's Room, is it something where, if they like it, they might pick it up and produce it, or something? If so, I hope they do. I'm sure I'd enjoy this show. Good luck!

 

[NickClapper]

I agree with a lot of what you say Richy (maybe that's why I like your feedback so much). I don't need to laugh out loud to enjoy a comedy, especially the edgier stuff that's less focused on set piece jokes. Stuff can be funny without needing a punchline.

I sent it off without removing the Freudian slip. Fool.

As for the Writer's Room scheme, I actually have no idea how it's done really. @mad_hatter they've actually changed the process so they no longer have a rolling submissions process, and just have a couple of month long windows over the year. I just thought it'd be useful to put my work out there and see whether anyone is interested in it.

Thanks for the feedback guys