Hello there! First off, let me say that as an American reading a Brit's writing, there are probably a few of the nuances I won't understand right off. However, I will say I watch a somewhat significant amount of British television for an American, so I think I understand the feel of the show well enough.
Second, I've been working on my own group's television pilot nonstop for about two and a half weeks, getting it ready to pitch to a network. I just sent the final grammar edit on the Pilot to our co-creator last night, and may I just say, it is incredibly refreshing to read some new material, after having looked at nothing but our own show for that long.
So, without any further delay, my thoughts.
I give what's been written an 8 out of 10.
Things I didn't understand:
-The whole contraceptive joke. I had to go back and reread a couple of lines, and even then I'm still not sure I understand it. It probably would be much easier if I heard it read aloud, or if I heard an actor's particular delivery, but maybe it's just me.
-Nothing happened between the first and second scenes. It felt like there was a section of time missing from that spot, something that might have expanded the world of the show a little bit. My suggestion would be to add something to introduce another character or two from another side of Nick's life, such as coworkers from his job, or a second set of friends that may not be acquainted with the rest we see at the party, or possibly something to show how Nick's life isn't going too well outside of his own existentialistic episodes at home. Anything extra to help establish or flesh out Nick's character right away would fit right at home in that spot. Maybe a scene involving the costumes being vomited on, or the handjob in question during the quad scene.
-The party before the party. It seemed strange that everyone would be at Fred's, drinking mango drinks before going to an actual party later. It seems like that conversation would fit better during the walk to the main party. That way they can have drinks in hand, but they're already in costume and on their way to the next scene's location. As it sits, in Fred's room, it almost feels like a scene where they would be gathering to plot a heist, not talking about their costumes and a party they don't seem to be interested in going to. If they're going, they would be going while drinking, not drinking at home, then heading out. And maybe that's a cultural hurdle that I'm not seeing over, being American. That might just be how it is across the way, and I don't know. So take this one with a few grains of salt, if you will.
And that's really it for criticisms.
Things I loved:
-The Pixar joke.
-Drunk Nick. He seems to gather quite a bit of confidence after his vodka leaves and Cinderella arrives, much to my amusement.
-The pacing. This is extremely well paced for someone who hasn't ever tried writing for television before. Most people don't realize how incredibly different Television writing is from any other kind of writing. You seem to get it, which, once again, is refreshing. The scenes flow well, and apart from the extra scene that seems to be missing (and that might just be me), the timing seems right between lines of dialogue, each character gets an even amount of lines, and characters enter and exit at the right times.
-A spectacular lack of grammatical/spelling errors. My own group has trouble staying away from ugly grammatical errors in the stage directions, which I spent an hour and a half fixing last night, so good on you for not having any yourself. (Especially for a script written around four in the morning.)
Other thoughts:
-Conflict. Where is it? I mean, I know that it's only 16 pages long, so it's understandable that it hasn't shown up yet. But you really can't judge this piece any further until there's some good, meaty, unjust, brick-to-the-face Conflict. I really feel that Nick needs to have some bad luck soon, so he has something to overcome. Like I said earlier, writing for Television is monumentally different than any other visual medium. Television needs more conflict than anything else, and that's why sitcoms flourish, being so formulaic. You have characters and then you find something for them to fight about for a half hour, and then resolve it so you can do it again in the next episode. Shows like Lost have twenty conflicts going on at any given time, and while Lost tended to get confusing, it was very engaging because of it. The only episodes of Lost I lost interest in were at the start of season 3, where there was nothing but dialogue for about 3 episodes. It got very boring, very fast, and it was a letdown after the finale of season 2.
Overall, like I said, a very solid 8 out of 10. I would very much like to read more, and that's key. You have me hooked all around, on a set of solid, genuine-feeling characters with loads of potential for development, a relatable setting, and hopefully soon, some fantastic, nail-biting, irritating, juicy conflict.
I can't wait to read more!
This bit made me laugh a lot.
