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First draft of a short screenplay (five pages)

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It's rather predictable--abused boy/girl disillusioned at school drifts into dreamworld then kills their abusive mother/father. Not a lot of story or character development. Caroline is rather non-descript. You switch names, Otis and Oliver. Not much development there either. The lack of proper formatting makes it confusing to read at times. There are typos and grammar errors. It has the typical issue of first screenplays, you've focused on the "action" but neglected creating a story or develop audience interest in your characters.

My suggestion would be to go back and develop your characters a bit more. That's where your story lies. Right now, it's just a sequence of predictable events. You're filming this yourself, so go for it if you want.
 
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She looks tired and bored
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I'm sure you've heard of the "show, don't tell". I suggest that you show what a tired/bored person does instead of telling us she's tired and bored. Maybe using 'She yawns.' instead is appropriate though if you want to relay bored as well as tired, you may portray to the audience tiredness and miss the bored.

even though the day has only just begun.
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Once again.... How does the camera shoot this?

I'm sure there is no need for me to repeat this.

Caroline is framed in the same location as multiple shots show her in different classrooms throughout the day.
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Montage?

Several bike shots.
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Ok, so we see a dirt bike, a tiny abandoned bike that has been crushed by a truck and a unicycle bike in separate shots? I'm assuming this isn't accurate, so I suggest you describe so inaccurate assumptions don't creep in.

I'm sure this doesn't seem important to you. Let me assure you, it can be.

Get up off your fucking ass.
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INT. HOUSE PERCHED ON HILL. IT IS NIGHT AND NO LIGHTS ARE ON.
THE HOUSE IS SILENT, BUT THE SOUND OF CRICKETS IS AUDIBLE.
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umm..... Do I need to mention?

(Same setting and lighting as from her dream)
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Same setting? As in she's in the bedroom, not the kitchen? I doubt this is what you mean. You need to say what you mean or at a minimum, be clear.

Yes, I understanding the lighting... though, there is no description of the lighting from the last scene.

OLIVER
(Out of frame)
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OLIVER (OS)

CAROLINE
I'm sorry, I must've drifted off.

OLIVER
You have to show some respect. This
isn't a place to be lounging about.

CAROLINE
I'm sorry sir, I was just reading.

OLIVER
Shouldn't you be in school?
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Probably the first place where you'll think it's constructive:

Limp and an eyepatch and/or on the nose dialog.

I cannot tell if the characters are sounding the same or using on the nose dialog or a combination of both. If it's the latter, I'm sure that'll work itself out in the rewrites.

Here comes to where the technical is important. As a reader, I've been distracted by trying to work out what you mean and obviously misunderstanding. So instead of reading, absorbing and enjoying your story I'm lost and frustrated. I've been focusing on trying to figure out what you mean instead of empathizing with your characters.

There's a book. "Your Screenplay Sucks". it'll explain this way better than I possibly could.

Good luck with your shoot. I think you'll have fun with it.
 
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We all start somewhere. The script has lots of problems. A film script is a blueprint. A well formatted script helps you gauge film length, budget, shoot time, scheduling, needed locations, shots, etc. I would REALLY recommend you get a good book and properly format your script from the very beginning, even if you plan to shoot it yourself. There are several out there and everyone has their favorite. I think that Syd Field and Blake Snyder do a good job of teaching the basics and have worksheets you can follow.

A good script can be picked up by any producer or director and they can immediately make sense of the story, characters and the settings. Since you indicated you wanted to make this yourself, I allowed that you have a good idea what you intend to shoot. As a writer hoping to sell a script, this would never fly. Sweetie as a producer rightly points out the many deficits due in part to poor formatting. There are free screenwriting programs that can help.

There are three key elements to the script: format, story, characters. Characters drive your story. Story and format go hand-in-hand. The structural aspects of the story guide pacing and format. There is a fourth component that comprises the production value.
A script reader will evaluate a script on all four. I've seen high school students come up with some fantastic shorts. Just give some attention to each of those three elements. Since you're shooting this yourself, the fourth isn't quite as relevant for you. If you were looking to spend $10K+, you would want to evaluate the production value of the script--what will it cost to make this, who will watch it, what is similar, how much can it make back, etc.
 
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Since you indicated you wanted to make this yourself, I allowed that you have a good idea what you intend to shoot. As a writer hoping to sell a script, this would never fly. Sweetie as a producer rightly points out the many deficits due in part to poor formatting. There are free screenwriting programs that can help.
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I'd be careful with this advice.

(Not aiming at you directly) Formatting is important, especially if you're planning on directing yourself. When/if you're trying to attach talented cast and crew, their second impression is your script (first impression being yourself). Poorly formatted script usually screams ignorance or laziness.

Would you really want to risk giving an named actor the impression that you're a mess? Why should someone trust that you can make something as complex as a film when you cannot get simple script formatting right?

not an excuse for poor writing though.
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We're all learning here.

Screenwriting is hard and it's not very forgiving. If you're serious about screenwriting and want your material made, you'll learn this rather quickly. If not, you'll give up and find another task to occupy your time.

Once again, good luck and have fun with your shoot.
 
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Sweetie said:
Formatting is important, especially if you're planning on directing yourself. When/if you're trying to attach talented cast and crew, their second impression is your script (first impression being yourself). Poorly formatted script usually screams ignorance or laziness.
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Let me be particularly clear, there is never a reason for an improperly formatted script. My comment (NOT advice) echoes what many here have pointed out. If you are directing your own film, you have the freedom to write your script in crayon if you so choose. But as I have argued and Sweetie points out, your script is not just for you. It is for your crew and actors. If you decide to pursue film production, you need to know how to properly format a script if you want to attract actors, directors and investors who have clout. I'm sorry if I was not clear. That is why I encourage you to take advantage of free resources to format your script.
 
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ethanaugust98 said:
I'm looking to get some feedback on the first draft of a screenplay I wrote. It's the first time I've written a screenplay as I'm usual on the technical side of things. I'm not looking for formatting issues; I'm sure there are plenty and I know I shouldn't include camera moves, but because I plan on shooting this myself, I'm not concerned. Constructive crticism is encouraged. Thanks!

http://www.mediafire.com/view/cb3phwywtwpy7cl/ShortWorkInProgress.txt
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Every high school (and many college) student makes this exact
movie - the only difference is who is killed. So (for me) there is
no need to offer any story criticism. My advice would be to step
away from this high school cliche and try something more unique
to you.

I know you don't want any format advice. That's too bad. Because
a screenplay IS the format. You're usually in the technical side so
it's as if someone asked you for constructive crticism on a movie
and said they know it's out of focus and the sound can hardly be
heard but they are not concerned.

Even when you are shooting yourself you should learn how to
communicate using the proper format.
 
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