critique First 10 pages TV pilot

Title: Bypass
Genre: Crime/Dramedy
Logline: After randomly saving the life of an aspiring mobster, an unlicensed doctor is thrust into criminal medicine.
 

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Alcove Audio

Business Member
indieBIZ
Got your series Bible all set up? That's just as, if not even more important than your pilot script.
 
I read it... I think it reads well except for some minor problems that I'd clean up at some point before sending it out.

Nothing major. Consider changing your use of passive voice to active voice... You'll get more impact out of your words.

There's some parts in there where your character asks a question but no question mark. May seem like a small thing but if you keep doing that throughout the rest of the pilot? It bogs the reading down a little.

One of my own pet peeves is WE SEE or WE HEAR. I personally get taken out of the story when I read that. You've obviously got a HANDLE on screenwriting so why not make it even more powerful without using WE SEE or WE HEAR?

You had a couple of words in there that bogged down my reading as well...

I've never seen 'offguard.' I've seen 'off-guard' and 'off guard.'

Same with 'infront.'

You wrote:

We see the music coming from the tv, a black and white Egyptian movie, 'The Empty Pillow'

How do WE SEE the MUSIC exactly?

Finally? You don't need any scene numbers... And using CONTINUOUS usually stems from whatever software you're using as the default configuration. We don't need to keep reading that.

Last but not least? Have you ever seen the movie, PLAYING GOD? Not a huge deal but be aware of IT and try not duplicate anything in that movie.

Otherwise? Great job. Loved the dialogue. It really flows and feels effortless.
 
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Hi, thank you so much for the feedback!
These 10 pages are from a redraft, which is why the grammar still needs a fix up.

Will definitely change the we see and we hear to make it read more immersively.

Have not seen playing God. Read the premise on Wikipedia. Sorry to sound so ignorant, but how's it related to bypass?

One last thing, did it feel funny? Was the tone consistent?
 
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I'm not saying yours is related to PLAYING GOD at all. But because PLAYING GOD exists? You may want to watch it and just make sure you don't accidentally duplicate anything in it because based on your concept logline in the first post? They SOUND similar. All I'm saying. You never want anyone walking away from your material thinking its DERIVATIVE of something else if at all possible.

There were some funny moments... Tone was consistent... Definitely. Like I said, GOOD JOB.
 
I'm not saying yours is related to PLAYING GOD at all. But because PLAYING GOD exists? You may want to watch it and just make sure you don't accidentally duplicate anything in it because based on your concept logline in the first post? They SOUND similar. All I'm saying. You never want anyone walking away from your material thinking its DERIVATIVE of something else if at all possible.

There were some funny moments... Tone was consistent... Definitely. Like I said, GOOD JOB.
Ah gotya, will do.
And thank you!
 
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