feedback?

[insert_cliche_here]

okay so i'm gonna be that annoying person and do this and i hope people don't mind. i wrote a screenplay. it's only a few pages long so i guess if i filmed it (which i intend to do) it'd only be a couple minutes long. i don't know what it is really, just an experiment. anyway, this is the link and if anyone wants to read it and tell me what they think that would be awesome

http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=...k3Y2ItMDM1ZGQ0MTI5OWYz&hl=en&authkey=CO_Yz68F

thanks <3

 

[Adeimantus]

Hi, Cliche

Not annoying at all. Hell, I post a script up every other day.

I can't seem to find the script. All I get is a Google sign-in form. I don't really want to join Google...

Any other way to view it?

-Charles

 

[insert_cliche_here]

lol sweet.
omg. fuck. you. google. docs.
it specifically says that privacy setting does not require people to sign in >
i changed it anyway. try it again and if it doesn't work i'm going on a vendetta again google docs

 

[Adeimantus]

K, I forgot I had a Google account from a few years ago. Got in.

Hmmmm... Interesting.

I could be dense, but I'm missing the pertinence of the "itch."

Soliloquies are hard to write well. I don't have a problem with an emo-rant (not a put-down), per-se, but I think you need to reach beyond it, further than the "itch" gimmick. As it stands, it reads like a million other teen-angst, "the world is agin me, I've been screwed by everyone, I'm gonna kill myself" monologues.

If it was handed to me, here's what I'd do with it.

1. I'd open with your protagonist talking on the couch, but WOULDN'T MENTION THE FACT

Spoiler

she's dead

.

2. FLASHBACK to the scene with her boyfriend. Write the actual scene, don't have her just describe it in the monologue.

3. FORWARD to her talking on the couch.

4. FLASHBACK and SHOW

Spoiler

the dead body, blood seeps out slowly around her

.

5. FORWARD to her talking on the couch (NOW we realize

Spoiler

she's dead while she speaks)

.

This would be more cinematic and dramatically effective, IMHO.

Good luck with it!

best,

-Charles


(p.s., wish I was back in the penal colony, enjoying a roo-steak on the barbie)

 

[insert_cliche_here]

i see your point
i wa trying to write something that would only require one place and one actor, but it would definitely be better with your suggestions.
i think the itch thing is kind of just meant to be a physical representation of her frustration if that makes any sense.
thank you so much for your feedback much appreciated
<3
ps if your penal colony comment was meant as a reference to my being an aussie, now might be the appropriate time to mention i'm vegan

 

[Cracker Funk]

i wa trying to write something that would only require one place and one actor

While reading it, I kind of assumed as much. And, I perfectly understand your reasoning. However, from the perpesctive of a director, I must say that, in my opinion, adding one more actor to the mix does not make things that much more difficult. Also, I assume you'll be using a bare-bones light-kit, and the silver-lining in that is that they are relatively quick to set up, compared to the expensive stuff. So, adding another room to shoot in won't amount to that much more work. And finally, the visual of the blood seeping out from underneath -- should be a relatively easy effect to create.

I wonder -- is there a way to have a second twist? Okay, so let's say you take Charles' recommendations, or something close to them. So, the audience learns, late in the story, that she is dead. What if the FINAL revelation is that she's not just dead, but in hell? I'm trying to figure out in my head, how this could be shot on a nothing budget, but is there something the camera could reveal that would give us the indication that she's in hell? So that she doesn't just tell us? Hmmm, sorry I've got this rough idea without any concrete ideas -- not much help.

And lastly, I don't remember where I saw this, but somewhere I recall seeing that you have no equipment. In my opinion, if I'm correct to assume funds are limited, I would recommend something like this --
http://cgi.ebay.com/SHARP-VLZ3U-Min...rofessional_Video_Cameras&hash=item3a5c87b417

I'm not recommending that particular model, per se; I'm just pointing out that used miniDV cameras are ridiculously inexpensive. I'd make sure to find one that has manual exposure and manual white-balance. For manual focus, a focus-ring might be difficult to find, but if you can, it'd be very helpful.

Best of luck!

 

[Adeimantus]

There are actual Aussie vegans???

When I was in Melbourne, I had the best lamb I think I've ever had anywhere.

I thought it was illegal to be vegetarian down under.

 

[Adeimantus]

I wonder -- is there a way to have a second twist? Okay, so let's say you take Charles' recommendations, or something close to them. So, the audience learns, late in the story, that she is dead. What if the FINAL revelation is that she's not just dead, but in hell? I'm trying to figure out in my head, how this could be shot on a nothing budget, but is there something the camera could reveal that would give us the indication that she's in hell? So that she doesn't just tell us? Hmmm, sorry I've got this rough idea without any concrete ideas -- not much help.

Good idea from CF. You need a second, deeper "twist" than just the reveal that she's dead.

What would hell be like to her? Maybe that's where the itch comes in. Show her pull up her sleeves and have her arms covered in hives (don't know much about make-up, but some kind of nasty rash-looking thing would be cool). Have it get worse and worse as she talks.

Her final words, while scratching frantically:

"Shakespeare wrote 'Hell is empty and all the devils are here.' I'd add that hell is an itch that never goes away."


Cheers!

-Charles



on edit: I know this is going way beyond what you'd originally envisioned and I'm assuming you wrote it with your limitations as far as equipment and available actors in mind, BUT...always try to push things at least one step further than you thought you could go.

 

[Kosh]

I'm with Adeimantus and Cracker on this for the most part. We need more that just WOMAN ranting on and on.

I do like the itch. It's a nice visual queue and it could serve the story so much better if it wasn't so on the nose (no pun intended). In Adeimantus' flashback scenario you can have the itch symbolize WOMAN's reaction to the break up. Where I disagree with Adeimantus is that the flashback requires dialogue. We've all seen and/or been part of a breakup before. We know how to describe it. So for me dialogue for a break up is overkill and too on the nose (not unless something is said during the breakup that holds key information to the story which we'll need to have repeated later - which does not seem to be the case for your story as it is just a short and the breakup is a rendered scene to emphasize WOMAN's state-of-mind). I would also have the itch in another flashback of her being alone and crying. Then the itch makes its third and final appearance in her dead/ghost state (you get your magic 3 in there and don't whack us over the head with the "itch").

This could all be shot in the same room. Some minor set decorations, costuming, make-up and camera angles that can help emphasize the differences in time. You can even have a death scene that shows the blood that Cracker talked about (which I likey). Speaking of which...

[put's on director hat]...This is where I would have fun with this short. I am not sure what low budge means to you, as it means something different to everyone on this board. For some it just means equipment, for others it means that and getting talent and so on. But if you have the basics - camera, tripod, some form of basic lighting set, computer and editing software - you can shoot all of this in the same room and have the ghost in the flashback shots. WOMAN's ghost can relive the breakup, relive the pain of being alone and relive the death, oozing blood scene and the ghost can itch when the living WOMAN itches too. Some split screen magic or better yet composting work and you can pull this off...but I digress [takes off director hat]

In the end though you can still do this in the same room and keep the itch (which I like) but you will need at least another actor/extra to play the boyfriend and give us more stuff to see. Movies are a visual medium and the mantra for all scripts is "show more and tell less". You can beef up the visuals with descriptions and cut down on WOMAN's rant. You can help us identify better with WOMAN's state-of-mind by showing us, by helping (or forcing us) to emote with her, to identify with her by enhancing the necessary visuals (like I said we have all tasted the sting of the breakup and alone time). This way we will enjoy the ride that the story takes us on, instead of hate a complaining character.

This was by no means an attempt to berate your script. I liked it for a first draft and like your concept. It just needs a bit more work. I hope this helps.

SSK

 

[insert_cliche_here]

i like your ideas cf, i'm throwing them into my idea cauldron. and you are correct, i have no equipment and my funds are limited. so limited one might even go so far as to say they are non-existent. *sigh* hence why i'm just trying to work on my writing skills at the moment and am not really involved in any other forums on here.

charles, i love that shakespeare line, that's gold

kosh, cheers for the props on the itch thing i'm diggin the whole having dead her watching herself, i think that could work really well. thanks man.

i just generally love everyone on here. there's so many awesome ideas and helpful suggestions. *so much love*

thank you thank you thank you <3 i've got my thinking cap on now

ps we're not all mindless bogan deadshits down here

 

[sebru]

Hi Angela! The concept is good. I would suggest you let her do the talking as if she's still in this world. Example: this was my house! is in fact 'this is my house'. and since you decide to keep everything no budget, then you might as well just stretch it up a bit. A lot of people think less is better, and that is true. However in your story I want to know more about the background, who is she, what's she done. Get to the boyfriend part, a bit later.

All the best

 

[insert_cliche_here]

thanks sebru

 

[jammer]

script

not bad, you could put how she reacts when she scratches her nose. maybe it starts out mild then becomes more of and obsession, fade is always first. what does the room look like? what is she wearing, could you do flash backs to the men in her life leaving, fighting her or her angry?i dont care for the title remember your readers and viewers can be turned off rather fast by a anti religious rant, and in someways you seem to be doing that, just under the surface. this could be a very fine film. Do what you think is best..

 

[insert_cliche_here]

yeah i sorta didn't put much detail in lol, but you're right, i probably should. it's not specifically anti-religion, the character has just been abused by religious people.. the whole thing is kind of generic and self indulgent really. i dunno. it was late. lol