Feedback wanted on a short scene

[Adeimantus]

This is a 4-page scene from my current WIP.

Genre: Fantasy/Horror

Brief Context: The archangel Uriel has manifest in the body of a young woman with amnesia. She's recovered parts of her memory and confronts her nemesis, the demon Dantalion, who has kidnapped the young man who found her, and who she has reluctantly fallen in love with.

My intention is to make the scene surreal without it being pretentious or stilted. It's difficult writing a conversation between an archangel and the Grand Duke of Hell. I'd like feedback on whether the tone of the scene does its job or if it's unintentionally comedic or, worse, melodramatic and boring.

Muchos gracias, amigos!

-Charles

http://www.politikonzoon.com/Uriel scene 27.pdf

 

[Filman]

I detect a delicious sense of humor in the dialogue. But your setup kills it. And it's hard to get a sense of their relationship, jumping into the story like this. The first time I read it I was like "oh my, this is weird". The second: "a-ha, okay".

 

[maz]

This is a 4-page scene from my current WIP.

Genre: Fantasy/Horror

Brief Context: The archangel Uriel has manifest in the body of a young woman with amnesia. She's recovered parts of her memory and confronts her nemesis, the demon Dantalion, who has kidnapped the young man who found her, and who she has reluctantly fallen in love with.

My intention is to make the scene surreal without it being pretentious or stilted. It's difficult writing a conversation between an archangel and the Grand Duke of Hell. I'd like feedback on whether the tone of the scene does its job or if it's unintentionally comedic or, worse, melodramatic and boring.

Muchos gracias, amigos!

-Charles

http://www.politikonzoon.com/Uriel scene 27.pdf

I'm probably alone in this opinion, but I think it does come across as stilted and a little pretentious. The dialogue reads to me like a couple of Dungeons and Dragons geeks in a role-playing game. I don't really get a sense of power, or danger, or threat, or age (or agelessness). But that may well just be me.

 

[Adeimantus]

Hey, Filman. Thanks for the read and your thoughts. I realize it's difficult to take something out of its natural context and try to give feedback. I was hoping for some dark humor, but it's not intended to be funny as such. If that's how it came across, then I do need to work on it.

Yo, Maz. Thanks for looking at it. I agree with you, I think. This was my first stab at it. The rest of the dialogue in the script is nothing like this. I wanted Dantalion to speak like a dissolute poet but it does come across as a teen role-play round. Heh.

Back to the drawing board.

thanks!

-C

 

[Jack Lynt]

If the longer passages of dialogue come off as a little stilted and pretentious, I would say it's primarily because of its context: being movie dialogue. It would be fine in a book. It might work in an independent film. But there too I would suggest a little more refinement. Even then, you're probably aware that you're pushing it with that much verbosity.

Regarding the dissolute poet versus the sophomoric teen thing, you know, I get that. And I'll bet the dialogue as is could be made to work with the right actors and editing, etc. In that regard it's difficult to be so sure. I wouldn't be.

For example,

URIEL

You’re burning through your chimney of skin, Soon, once more, you’ll be a ghost without a machine, dear
one.

That might work spoken by an actor like Cate Blanchett. If you can get her. But reading this and the other twenty page excerpt, I don't get the impression that Uriel is Cate Blanchett. But maybe if she spoke like Cate Blanchett in this scene...

On that note, I think I agree that you might be better off trying to convey that these are ancient, time-worn beings, since apparently they're supposed to be ancient, time-worn beings.
This probably reflects my own tastes which tend toward the minimilist when it comes to movies (not speaking of books here), but for example, let me offer my own pared down attempt at one of your examples of dialogue.

DANTALION

Ahhhhhhhh. Uriel has come home. My darling wraith; all this and that,etcetera. The delicate bones of your cheeks, the cool milk skin, even the west wind that kisses your hair, belongs to the chain that tongues from my skull. By the day,by the moon, by the hair on my chin you’ve come out to play, fair game, sweet plumb, ripe fruit of my everlastingness,I am here.

I might suggest something like:

DANTALION

Ahhhhhhhh. Uriel has come home. My darling angel. And this body you have chosen! Such a lovely face. What milky white skin. And the sweet, ripe breasts of rosy youth. How have I missed thee...

DANTALION (CONTINUED)

Come out to play, fruit of my teeming loins? Fair enough. But forget not what you already know; I am not this broken body before you; let not the mortal eyes you wear deceive you; I will ever endure.

Oops. That's fairly long-winded too. And maybe I'm making the mistake of trying to tell you how to write. I suppose in my suggestion you would lose the dissolute (and perhaps a little cheeky) poet aspect you want his character to have. But I hope on the other hand it loses that "pretentious" role playing teen feel it might possibly have. Hey, I threw in one of those "pretentious" thees, myself; I realize that But, I left it because it felt natural. I don't want writers or other artists to be too worried about their work being accused of pretentiousness, if at all. The artist must not live in fear of such things.



Edit: "beings," not souls, since I guess angels are usually said to not have souls, if that's right.

 

[Adeimantus]

If the longer passages of dialogue come off as a little stilted and pretentious, I would say it's primarily because of its context: being movie dialogue. It would be fine in a book. It might work in an independent film. But there too I would suggest a little more refinement. Even then, you're probably aware that you're pushing it with that much verbosity.

Regarding the dissolute poet versus the sophomoric teen thing, you know, I get that. And I'll bet the dialogue as is could be made to work with the right actors and editing, etc. In that regard it's difficult to be so sure. I wouldn't be.

For example,



That might work spoken by an actor like Cate Blanchett. If you can get her. But reading this and the other twenty page excerpt, I don't get the impression that Uriel is Cate Blanchett. But maybe if she spoke like Cate Blanchett in this scene...

On that note, I think I agree that you might be better off trying to convey that these are ancient, time-worn beings, since apparently they're supposed to be ancient, time-worn beings.
This probably reflects my own tastes which tend toward the minimilist when it comes to movies (not speaking of books here), but for example, let me offer my own pared down attempt at one of your examples of dialogue.




I might suggest something like:





Oops. That's fairly long-winded too. And maybe I'm making the mistake of trying to tell you how to write. I suppose in my suggestion you would lose the dissolute (and perhaps a little cheeky) poet aspect you want his character to have. But I hope on the other hand it loses that "pretentious" role playing teen feel it might possibly have. Hey, I threw in one of those "pretentious" thees, myself; I realize that But, I left it because it felt natural. I don't want writers or other artists to be too worried about their work being accused of pretentiousness, if at all. The artist must not live in fear of such things.



Edit: "beings," not souls, since I guess angels are usually said to not have souls, if that's right.

Hey, Richy

Thanks for taking a look. Cate Blanchett? Yes, please!

It's one thing writing dialogue between a god or demi-god and a human being. Trying to do so between two such characters is a real challenge. I was shooting for a Shakespearean thing, but with an ironic, contemporary twist or parody to it.

My instinct, like a lot of people, is to overwrite dialogue. When I revise, it's almost ALWAYS cutting dialogue down to bare minimum (it's easier to cut stuff than it is to add more when you're rewriting).

And the BIG rule is to always, always read your dialogue OUT LOUD. When I do that here, it sounds like crap. Cate Blanchett I am not.

Onward!

-Charles