Feedback, should be a quick read.

[Lowxposure]

I'm really happy with this. The idea came to me while listening to George Jones and four hours later this is what I have. The format got a little skewed in google docs, and I'm not a subject matter expert anyway (why I'm here).

Some things I intentionally left out, character and location descriptions for example, only because I am filming this and I know who will play which parts and where we will film.

The names are actually the names of people I intend to use as actors, and not the names of characters. I always have the hardest time naming people (my wife named our daughter) so suggestions are more than welcome here.

Mainly let me know what you think about the story, the dialogue, and just overall writing ability. Anything you feel may improve my writing ability please chime in I just don't want to get completely lost in formatting.

Thanks in advance!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JwWdD_I4fnytTl35mUa9mEAuM7nu0USiCg5A6o4OA3A/edit?hl=en_US

 

[a.p]

I like it overall, but I think at the end it needs a tie-in to something that happened. I get that the hat thing kinda does, but it seemed to me like if you shot it and I watched it, it would be like a movie that ended too soon.
You should make another reference to greed or something. maybe make a comment that, like Buscuit, they'll have to go after their boss/employer because he's just as greedy.
generally when writing a script, you don't want to make a big deal of something (the crane story), and then not have it play a bigger part than just saying Buscuit is greedy.

sorry if that's vague, hope it helps.

-A.P

 

[Lowxposure]

That's not vague at all, I appreciate the response.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about it, and I decided that it does need something else. It almost feels like the two men traveling would be the first act, the second act is the fight with Biscuit, and it's lacking a third act. Something quick to tie the ends together.

I'll have to think on it for a bit, and thanks for taking the time to read it.

 

[Lowxposure]

Added to the ending. It feels a little more like a third act. I really like this short, but I'm begging for some feedback, and I'll take the good and the bad. I appreciate anything you have.

I'm terribly sorry about the formatting in Google Docs. For some reason my computer will not let me edit it at all online.

 

[a.p]

iight, i reread it and it looks pretty good now. i would watch it more than once and that's what you want to happen when you write something that you plan to film.

good job man.

-A.P

 

[Lowxposure]

Thanks for reading it AP.