FEEDBACK: Scene 1: Hangover-type script

[LamWrites]

The script is nowhere near finished...it's barely a first draft.

I mainly want to make sure that it's funny.

Let me know what you think, any feedback is appreciated.

Warning: Very Raw.....and for Lamar think Kevin Hart and for Kevin think Anthony Anderson


INT. GLORIA'S RESTAURANT - BAR - NIGHT

LAMAR (30s)and KEVIN (30s), sitting at a dim lit bar in the center of*Downtown Dallas.*

LAMAR
Dude you got just over a month as a free man. That's just enough time to.....you know.​

Lamar makes a closed fist and motions it punching through his other hand simulating*sex.
Kevin looks at him with a blank stare.

Kevin
What...what's that? I don't know what that is.​

Lamar continues his quasi game of charades, still motioning with his hands, but thrusting harder and biting his lip.

LAMAR
You know, to get it in. You're gonna be stuck with the same pussy for the rest of your life.​

Kev lifts his hand to halt Lamar from continuing.

LAMAR
No listen bro, I've been where you're getting ready to go. You'll be engulfed in your perfect little fairy-tale life with a beautiful wife, with a nice ass by the way, I just had to point that out. Two kids and a dog named Rover. Living in a good white neighborhood and then out of nowhere.....BAM!​

Lamar stops there, takes a drink of what looks to be a scotch neat, leaving Kevin hanging.

KEVIN
Bam? What's bam?

LAMAR
She's going to cut off the pussy.​

Kevin stares at Lamar for a second then stands up to leave due to the absurdity. Before he can walk off, Lamar grabs him by the arm. Encouraging him to sit back down.

LAMAR
Listen bro, she'll cut you off and you'll realize, hell, i'm bored with this shit anyway. I need some new pussy.​

Lamar rambles on.

LAMAR (cont)
Maybe some white pussy or some Indian pussy. Maybe even some of that egg foo yung pussy.

Kevin
You've had way too damn much to drink.


Lamar
Maybe, but you know I'm right. We always think the grass is greener on the other side. So you might as well get it out your system before you sign the contract.​

Kevin dismisses Lamar's drunken rant and takes a sip of his beer that he's been babysitting all night.

KEVIN
We decided that i'm not going to have* a bachelor party and she's not going to have a bachelorette party. We're going to have a nice quant dinner party together. You'll get your invite.

LAMAR
FUCK THAT SHIT MAN! And you REALLY believe that she's not going to have a party? Of course she's going to have a party, she's not going to call it a bachelorette party. She'll call it high tea or a wedding shower or some shit with just her and her girls in a hotel room with some greased up muscle-bound thug flopping his twelve inch dick in their faces.
​

Lamar puts down his drink and get up close to Kevin's face.

LAMAR
In YOUR future wife's face....a twelve inch cock.​

Lamar gives Kevin a visual with his hands out wide showing how long twelve inches is.
Kevin catches the attention of the cute bartender and waves her over.

KEVIN
He's done, don't give him anymore.​

Lamar looks at the bartender very seriously, never taking his eyes off her and after about 8 seconds he breaks his silence.

LAMAR
I'm fine.

BARTENDER
Yea, he's done.​

The bartender walks off and Lamar directs his attention back to Kevin.

LAMAR
Let's get back to this bachelor party.
Don't divert. I'll set it up, I know you're new to Texas and have no friends....

KEVIN
I got friends.

LAMAR
Whatever.
I got you. My friends are your friends. Ill round them up and there....we're all set.Lamar, like a casino dealer going on break, he claps his hands and dusts them off. Feeling like he has accomplished a great feat.

KEVIN
I don't even know these cats man.

LAMAR
No worries, I'll tell you all about em right now.​

 

[FantasySciFi]

If this is a the first scene then you really want to do more introduction to the characters. More physical description in the script would help. The actor suggestions would not be in your script and so would be unavailable to anyone reading the script.

Second, you need to do more development of the characters leading up to this conversation. Is Kevin drunk? How do they know each other? Why are they together at the bar? I might mention how Lamar's actions are drawing the unwanted attention from other patrons. Kevin's character feels very lifeless. I'd inject more action into him and maybe make his responses more insistent. It felt like Lamar was talking at him so the scene felt rather lackluster to me. From a bystander's view, it could look like Lamar is gay and trying to pick up Kevin with the sexual gestures. If Kevin had tried to have him tone it down, show embarrassment, etc. that would have made the scene more energetic. Lamar might point to various women as he's talking.

I didn't find it particularly funny. After Kevin seems so apathetic, the sudden reversal at the end feels rather out of place. I think it would have been more the case that Lamar plans it behind Kevin's back which leads to the ensuing chaos. For the first scene, it has possibility but needs more careful development and consideration. Profanity doesn't translate to funny. What you need to drive this is Lamar's overzealous conviction that Kevin needs a bachelor party which he'll give him despite Kevin's objections. You need to make it clear why those plans steamroll Kevin into an awkward situation that spirals out of control. You need the audience to align with Kevin from the very start. I don't get that here. Anyway, my opinion. Good luck.