Feedback Request - The Simpsons - Episode

[JonasGruber]

FIXED LINK Feedback Request - The Simpsons - Episode

Hello.

I wrote an episode of The Simpsons. I would appreciate it if anyone could read it and share your thoughts. It is my first time writing a screenplay, so there might be some formatting errors. It's a rather quick read (21 pages).

I wrote it in about 6 hours longhand, but it took me 3 days to type it into a word file.

WORKING LINK:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B4A_rnik1DsmY3RRV3lnN1JFWU0/view?usp=sharing

Thanks for your time! I hope you're going to have as much fun as I had when I was writing it

 

[FantasySciFi]

Welcome to the forum. You really want to learn how to properly format a script. Reading this is difficult. It wasn't clear where the story starts--a desk in Homer's house? Mr. Burns' office? Homer's office at work? The parentheses are incorrect and immediately throws a reader off. Lines are not simply centered. I'm not trying to be overly critical but FORMAT is a VERY important part of a script.

Second, the dialogue is very stilted and uncharacteristic. I didn't believe them as the characters. There were snippets but they felt forced and unhappily wedded to the scenes.

Third, the structure was off as the scenes felt largely disjointed. Where did the blue-black smoke fit in? Not sure why he summoned them all instead of just one. Didn't seem to remember giving Homer the secret file assignment. It felt, again, like you had images that you wanted and you made half-hearted bridges to join them. The scene with Bart and Milhouse was rather flat.

It has some of the wry humor but those problems really detract from the reading experience. After reading 5 pages, it becomes pretty disorienting. I'm sure you put lots of time and thought into the visual elements but you're neglecting the more important features that connect the scenes. You need to clean up the formatting and really develop the scenes more with better characterizations. As it stands it just feels like a mash-up of Simpson quips. Setting up a dating profile for grandpa could be funny but it made no sense in the context of what preceded it. There needs to be some sense of storyline continuity and relevance.

As a first screenplay, I think you made a valiant effort with a first draft. Now you need to go back and do the revisions, which can sometimes be tough. What I find sometimes helps is to have a title for the episode. It helps to keep in mind how all the scenes need to tie together. Ask your self to explain the elements

Why is the file important/top secret? Develop that out. Why is there black smoke? Develop that. Make a better reason for them coming to Burns' office. Why jump to Milhouse's house? That flittering disorganization is what hurts the script. However, it's quite fixable. Good luck.