Feedback Request - "Icarus`Wings" [Film Noir/Drama] (now with in-post preview)
Good day everyone.
I`m new here, having just hatched from the registration-form
. My name is Ulrich Büch, I`m just a movie-enthusiast trying my best at screenwriting. The following is basically my second finished shortfilm script, so excuse me if some formating errors might have slipped in. Also note english is not my motherlanguage, so there might be an orthographic error either or two.
Enough of the boring stuff, let`s get to the meat of it:
I`m kindly asking for your feedback on my script for a short called "Icarus`Wings".
As the thread-title suggests, it`s at bottom a drama or film noir, I guess.
Note this is not meant to be a children`s movie. The script contains (little) strong language, violence, use of alcohol and cigarrettes.
If you`re into Riverdancing rather than Martin Scorsese, you might dislike it and are invited to look somewhere else.
The mis-en-scéne is somewhat leaned towards animation rather than life action. This means here, I actually often tried to get away with as little shots involving complex facial animation and lip sync as I could. Thus the script may read somewhat uncommon.
So one last thing: Here are some questions I`ve been asking myself and would particularly like to hear your views of:
Enough talk, here it is (PDF |25 pages): Icarus`Wings (Now on GoogleDrive.)
As a convenient preview for you guys, here`s the first 4 pages crammed into the post. Thx for reading.
I`m planning to eventually produce this as an animated short, though technically it might just as well qualify for life action. Animation is just sort of the corner where I come from anyway.
greetings, Kologe
Good day everyone.
I`m new here, having just hatched from the registration-form
. My name is Ulrich Büch, I`m just a movie-enthusiast trying my best at screenwriting. The following is basically my second finished shortfilm script, so excuse me if some formating errors might have slipped in. Also note english is not my motherlanguage, so there might be an orthographic error either or two.Enough of the boring stuff, let`s get to the meat of it:
I`m kindly asking for your feedback on my script for a short called "Icarus`Wings".
As the thread-title suggests, it`s at bottom a drama or film noir, I guess.
Log Line: said:
Note this is not meant to be a children`s movie. The script contains (little) strong language, violence, use of alcohol and cigarrettes.
If you`re into Riverdancing rather than Martin Scorsese, you might dislike it and are invited to look somewhere else.
The mis-en-scéne is somewhat leaned towards animation rather than life action. This means here, I actually often tried to get away with as little shots involving complex facial animation and lip sync as I could. Thus the script may read somewhat uncommon.
So one last thing: Here are some questions I`ve been asking myself and would particularly like to hear your views of:
- Do you think changing my characters (maybe just one of them) from male to female would add anything to the story (though I don`t think so, especially as to me this would only make sense if I changed the sex of both)?
- On the bottom of page 18, scene 02, shot 68: Do you think this (whole) shot even adds anything worthwile to the story?
- Do you see a way of shortening the story without considerable sacrifice?
Enough talk, here it is (PDF |25 pages): Icarus`Wings (Now on GoogleDrive.
)As a convenient preview for you guys, here`s the first 4 pages crammed into the post
. Thx for reading.
Code:
FADE IN:
1 INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
1|EXTREME CLOSE UP: BUTTON
next to an elevator‘s doors, as A MAN‘S HAND presses it.
MATT wears a night blue pin striped suit, white collared
shirt, elegant cuff links.
The edge of the button glows in a bright red-orange hue,
like the color of blood orange pulp, to indicate the
elevator is about to arrive.
CUT:
2|CLOSE UP: MATT‘S RIGHT HAND
as HE drumms HIS fingers onto the glass panel around the
button while HE waits. On HIS RING FINGER, MATT wears a
golden wedding ring.
Moments later, the typical little bell sound indicates the
elevator cabin has arrived.
CUT:
3|OVER THE SHOULDER: MATT
the hair of whom is short, accurateley cut and all black. As
is revealed to THE CAMERA by the large mirror at the rear
wall of the elevator cabin, MATT wears a silver-grey tie and
glasses.
The other two walls of the elevator cabin, as well as its
door, are all glass. So are the outer door in the lobby and
the whole elevator shaft.
The doors open in font of MATT, who enters the cabin. HE
turns to the control panel on the right wall, next to the
door.
CUT:
4|TWO-SHOT: MATT‘S & ANOTHER MAN‘S RIGHT HANDS
as MATT presses the lowermost button on the elevator‘s
control panel, while THE OTHER MAN uses a plant pot as an
ashtray, to stub out HIS cigarette.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
THE MAN:
Would you please wait for me? Sir??
CUT:
2 INT. ELEVATOR CABIN - NIGHT
MATT hestiates as HE hears THE MAN. HE leans back a little,
trying to see past the heavy concrete coloumn next to the
outer elevator door which prevents HIM from seeing the man
who talked.
CUT:
6|CLOSE UP: ELEVATOR CONTROL PANEL
as MATT keeps the door button pressed, to prevent the doors
from closing before THE MAN has arrived.
CUT:
7|OVER THE SHOULDER: MATT
looks for the man who aksed HIM to wait. Before THE MAN
comes into view as HE rushes to the elevator, a blindman‘s
stick does, reaching for the elevator‘s door.
CUT:
8|MEDIUM CLOSE UP: OPEN ELEVATOR DOOR
It now gets apparent THE MAN is in a wheelchair. HE‘S
obviously paraphlegic.
VIRGIL wears a well fitting light grey suit, white collared
shirt, black tie, a simple tieclip and black sunglasses.
HIS hair is wild and grey at the tips, HIS designer stubble
accurateley cut.
MATT hurries to step aside and make way.
MATT:
Uh... excuse me!
CUT:
9|EXTREME CLOSE UP: VIRGIL
takes off HIS sunglasses, looking up to MATT who‘d be
shorter than VIRGIL HIMSELF, if the latter was standing
rather than sitting.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
VIRGIL:
(smiles sarcastically)
Now before you overflow in
hypocrisy, I‘m not actually really
blind. I just use this thing at
times to pretend, for the fun of
it.
MATT:
(confused)
...the fun of it...
VIRGIL rolls into the cabin and turns towards the control
panel.
CUT:
10|OVER THE SHOULDER: VIRGIL
presses the topmost button, numbered 6. It‘s edge glows in
the blood orange hue as does the lowermost button MATT had
pressed before.
VIRGIL:
Oh... the basement garage. Not my
destination... quite yet.
(after a short pause)
You know, I pretend to be blind
sometimes, it‘s funny to study
people‘s reactions when they think
I‘m paralyzed and blind.
(laughs)
At times I add deafness into the
mix.
VIRGIL looks up to MATT who stands to HIS left near the
mirror at the rear wall, to see HIS reaction.
CUT:
11|CLOSE UP: PACK OF CIGARETTES
as VIRGIL fiddles one out.
VIRGIL:
I know, I know. You shouldn‘t make
fun of disabled people. But I‘m
crippled myself so I‘m free to make
fun of them as I please! Self-irony
is no crime, is it!?
(offers the cigarettes to
MATT)
No? ...wait a moment.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
VIRGIL puts away HIS pack of cigarettes and produces a white
marker instead.
CUT:
12|EXTREME CLOSE UP: CIGARETTE
between VIRGIL‘S LIPS as HE lights it.
CUT:
13|EXTREME CLOSE UP: VIRGIL‘S MARKER
as HE pulls off the cap.
CUT:
14|CLOSE UP: THE GLASS PANE
making up for the right wall of the elevator-cabin,
inbetween the door and the control panel. VIRGIL starts to
write onto it as if it was a whiteboard:
THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING.
In the foreground, swirls of blue haze indicate HE‘S not
adhereing to HIS own proscription.
VIRGIL(V.O.S.):
As we‘re just arriving in the
basement garage, may I ask you a
favour before you leave? Would you
mind getting to your car a minute
late and join me in riding to the
topmost floor? Two-three minutes,
that‘s all I‘m asking. One ride to
floor 6, and you can go to your
party.
CUT:
15|CLOSE UP: MATT‘S FOLDED ARMS
HE leans against the mirror behind HIM.
VIRGIL(V.O.S.):
(sarcastically)
Off course you can also choose to
violently push a helpless blind
cripple out the door.
CUT:
16|EXTREME CLOSE UP: VIRGIL‘S LEFT HAND
(CONTINUED)greetings, Kologe
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